“Your grief doesn’t get to dictate the name of my baby”: Father insists son name his baby after his late stepmother instead of his late mother, bringing up past wounds when he refuses

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Jan 19, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Grief is one of the only ubiquitous human experiences. Everyone experiences grief in some form. It can be the death of someone you know and love, it can be breaking up with someone you thought you'd be with forever, and it could be anything else under the sun. It could be grieving your wedding day if it had to be pushed back. Everyone knows grief, but it's difficult to understand and cope with. Everyone deals with grief differently, too. Some people choose to ignore it, to repress it, push it down so that no one can see it and the person doesn't have to deal with it. Some people go to therapy, or take a trip to reset themselves, understand what's going on, and how they can help move on from it. 

In the story below, the protagonist is a man who lost his mother when he was only 5-years-old. His parents were already divorced and his dad had a new wife anyway. But for a child, this is a huge loss. The protagonist feels as though his father never gave him a safe space for his grieving, he felt as if he didn't get to acknowledge his grief. Years down the line, the protagonist is getting married and his father insists he name his baby after his late stepmother.

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  • 01

    AITA for telling my dad his grief doesn't get to dictate the name my wife and I chose for our children?

    "He accused me of invalidating his grief"
    via momnoi from Getty Images Pro / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    My dad and I (28m) have a complicated relationship. He was divorced from my mom when I was only a baby and she di d when I was very young (5). He was already remarried and had another child when my mom passed away and I think he expected with time that I would forget about my mom entirely
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 03
    and assimilate into his new family like they were the only one. There was also a big effort to ignore my grief and to expect me to move on like nothing happened. The only time this was ever truly mentioned was when I was 13 and he sat me down and asked me to ask his wife if she'd adopt
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 04
    me. He told me she wanted to adopt me but didn't want me to get angry at her for asking because I still had a photo of my mom in my bedroom and I talked about her still. During that little talk he made a point of saying his wife had raised me far longer and had done everything a real mother should, so it was time for
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 05
    me to acknowledge her in that role and position in my life and make it official. When I said no he threw a little tantrum, stomping his foot and pouting before he left the room and he never mentioned it again. But that strain could be felt.
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 06
    His wife di d 3.5 years ago. I was engaged to my wife at the time and we were planning our wedding. 6 months after her death dad asked how I could move forward with the wedding planning. I told him I still wanted to get married. He said he couldn't understand it and he
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 07
    thought the wedding would be. delayed for years. I told him that wasn't happening.
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 08
    Cheezburger Image 10455697408
    via ozgurcankaya from Getty Images Signature / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Why would they delay their wedding just because his stepmother passed away?

  • 09
    He never said anything about it again but I now know he held it all in. And now it has come to the surface again. My wife is pregnant with our first child, our daughter, and we have agreed to name her after my mom. My wife wanted a nature name and my mom had a nature name so it worked perfectly for us. We haven't announced this yet.
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 10
    During a family dinner with my side one of my siblings asked if we had a name yet. I said maybe. We weren't saying for sure until she was here. My dad said we all know the baby will be named after his late wife and there's no point in hiding it. I told him he didn't know that at all. He lost his
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 11
    temper and told me if I had any respect for our family that is exactly what I'd do. He told me he's grieving, my siblings are grieving and I should take that into consideration. I told him that has nothing to do with what we name our child.
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 12
    Cheezburger Image 10455706880
    via y_seki from Getty Images / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 13
    He wanted to talk 1:1 and I agreed to do so. He told me if I'm hiding the name like that then I must be naming my daughter after someone else, likely "that woman" and how I was inconsiderate to consider such a thing when his wife had raised me and his wife had died in the
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 14
    last four years. He told me a good son would take this into consideration and honor the woman his father loved, the woman who raised him as her very own. I told him his grief does not get to dictate the name my wife and I choose for our child. I told him my grief didn't seem to matter when I was 5 so why was I
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 15
    supposed to put his adult grief first now? I told him there was going to be no more talking about baby names because it was none of his business.
    via u/Known_Marketing6374
  • 16
    He has since accused me of invalidating his grief and being insensitive to it. AITA?
    via u/Known_Marketing6374

  • It seems like the father is incredibly immature, and he's projecting. He ignored his son's grief when he was only 5-years-old, and now expects him to respect his. 

  • 17
    Accomplished_Mu... NTA he never respected your grief so now you don't respect his grief either and unlike him, he doesn't deserve any respect... What a great twist.
    via u/Accomplished_Mu
  • 18
    Nervous-Commiss... NTA your father is extremely self centered and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings but his own. I highly suggest you distance yourself from him.
    via u/Nervous-Commiss
  • 19
    GhostShadow... "Because I'm going to the toilet, you'll have to wipe your own a as well" lol. NTA, you're free to do whatever you want OP!
    via u/GhostShadow
  • 20
    lookingformiles NTA. Your dad's nuts.
    via u/lookingformiles
  • 21
    True-Device8691 NTA, if someone called my mother "that woman" | would've lost my sh. If I were you I'd limit contact during your wife's pregnancy and while the baby is young, he definitely doesn't seem stable or like
    via u/True-Device8691
  • 22
    he'd handle the name of your baby well.
    via u/True-Device8691
  • 23
    Sunnyasshh NTA. It's your kid, your choice. His grief doesn't trump that.
    via u/Sunnyasshh
  • 24
    Broad-Ad-3300 Your Dad needs counselling - NTA. He's showing no understanding towards you at all yet is demanding a higher level of understanding that he gave you. He's obviously not thinking clearly and is too wrapped up in himself.
    via u/Broad-Ad-3300
  • 25
    little_light223 Nta. I think from the sound of it, that you should put a bit of distance between him and youre Familie. He dosnt seem reasonable enough to
    via u/little_light223
  • 26
    keep his Frustration away from a newborn or a fresh mother
    via u/little_light223
  • 27
    Zealousideal_Use... NTA, he seems completely out of his mind
    via u/Zealousideal_Use

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