Dad refuses to allow his second wife to adopt his 8-year-old daughter against her wishes, wife threatens divorce if he stands his ground: ‘I told her to divorce me then’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Jan 21, 2025 10:00 AM EST

Being a child of divorce is hard, it's that simple. Even when the divorce/separation is amicable, there still might be some lasting effects on a child's psyche. Split families are unconventional relative to the American nuclear family, so it only makes sense that kids might be confused as to why mommy and daddy aren't sleeping in the same bed anymore.

In other cases, one parent is simply unfit to care for their child, and the marriage fizzles out that way. Then, when the custodial parent remarries, there's another person in the mix causing confusion (unintentionally or not) and the kid gets even more confused.

The father who wrote this story has been with his second wife since his child was very young. There's never been any indication that she is anything more than her stepmother, especially because the child's biological mother is loosely in the picture. The bio mom suffers from a myriad of issues, which makes her unfit to take care of the daughter. The father's second wife knew that his child came first before all, but after many years together, she is now insisting she legally adopt his daughter so the bio mom can be out of the picture. What does the father say? It's up to my daughter. What unravels is a sad story of ultimatums and possible divorce. Scroll to read.

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  • Cheezburger Image 10456314112
    via Unsplash+ (Brooke Cagle)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • "AITA for telling my wife to divorce me because I'm not forcing adoption on my daughter?"

    I (33m) have an 8 year old daughter Ella with my ex and I have full custody of her. I'm married to Laura (30f) and we have two kids together. Ella's mom is a train wreck, alc ol,
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • d gs, multiple arrests and a lot of personal issues. She has not seen Ella for around a year now. She did have supervised visits ordered by the court but she didn't always make
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  • those due to hospitalizations, arrests and such. I've been dating Laura since Ella was 2. So she's very familiar with Laura. But she doesn't call her mom and she still
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • loves her mom and wishes her mom would get better and be a real mom to her. I have her in therapy to help her process everything.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • Laura knew how things were when we started dating and she knew how it was when we got married. I always made it clear that my priority was Ella's safety, health and
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  • happiness and I told her I understood if it got to be too much and she didn't want to commit. But she said she was on board for it all.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • Only now she's tired of my ex reappearing every so often and she wants to adopt Ella so my ex can't have any access ever again. She does love Ella and sees her as hers just as much as mine. But the
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  • main reason she's being so forceful is severing my ex's rights would get her out of the picture until Ella's 18 and chooses to look for her mom on her own. Laura says this is
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • what's best for her and for all of us. But Ella doesn't want to be adopted by Laura. Even if her mom never gets better, she doesn't want to be adopted.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • I respect this and I won't force it. But Laura isn't happy. She said we have the other two kids to think of as well and how Ella might pull away from us if
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  • her mom causes more trouble in the future, she might choose her over us. I said that could happen even if she adopts her. And I said it will definitely happen if we force this.
    via GamingDadx9x1

  • The father has always let his wife know that Ella's happiness comes first, period. After years of being okay with that, his wife suddenly flips the script. I don't blame the father for having whiplash after he thought he'd made himself clear.

    His daughter will always have her father in her life to protect her from the chaos that might ensue as a result of her biological mother. However, his daughter is also old enough to know exactly what she wants, including adoption. Her stepmother is already in the picture, isn't that enough?

  • Laura and I have discussed this numerous times now and she told me she doesn't see our marriage surviving if I won't talk Ella around or let her do it, or get a therapist who will. She
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • said she will not keep being just the stepmom when Ella's mom won't put her first, while she has been and doesn't get the benefit of legal stability of adoption. She said I only
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  • had two options and needed to decide which I wanted. I told her to divorce me then because I'm not forcing the adoption on Ella.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • Laura didn't expect my answer and she told me she thought I'd offer to speak to Ella more. That I clearly don't care about our marriage. I said I do
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • Cheezburger Image 10456314368
    via Unsplash+ (Blake Cheek)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • but she gave me two options and one option never happening. And I can't control if she divorces me for it. AITA?
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • Entire-Complex-7... Honestly, you're not the ah le. Ella's feelings matter the most, and you're respecting her wishes. Laura's being kinda pushy, and forcing something on a kid isn't the way to go. If she can't respect that, then yeah, maybe it's not gonna work. You're doing what's best for Ella.
    via Entire-Complex-7087
  • Proof-Escape9451 NTA. You're putting Ella first, as you should. Forcing her into something she doesn't want is just gonna hurt her more. Laura knew the deal from the start, so if she can't handle it now, that's on her. Ella's happiness comes first, always.
    via Proof-Escape9451
  • LindonLilBlueB The danger with giving ultimatums is that sometimes the person chooses the option you didn't want. NTA.
    via LindonLilBlueB****

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