Absent father doesn't spend time with son for 11 years, worries he is trying to bribe him into living with him when he is 14: 'His stepdad treats him worse than the other kids'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jan 22, 2025 4:00 PM EST

You only have to have a short conversation with any therapist to realize that there are a heck of a lot of parents out there who are not particularly good at the job of parenting. There are plenty of ways to screw up a kid, and not all of them enable a redemption arc as they get older. 

Still, often being a truly reformed parent is better than a child having no parent at all. This can be especially true in the case of families where fathers were not aware of having children until later in their lives. While there is no guarantee that a surprise kid will suddenly turn a man into a model father, those who actually make the effort can have something to offer. It may not be an easy situation, but it can be made easier with the help of a positive attitude and some thought.

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is what one dad has agonized over while trying to be a better parent to his 14-year-old son. He only found out about his existence when he was six and proceeded to spend the next five years having minimal contact with him while paying child support. At his son's request, they then began spending more time with one another.

    Over this time period, his son had gained a stepdad and stepsiblings alongside his mom, and the father was led to believe that this home environment was not the best place for him. As a result, he began ‘bribing’ his son by adding some improvements to his house in the hopes he would want to spend more time there and maybe move in. He wondered whether what he was doing was wrong after his son's mom argued with him over this behavior.

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    While this feels like a scumbag/sleazy way to go about things I do not know what else to do. I was not a good parent when my son was young. I didn't know he existed until he was like 6 and by that point I felt it was too late to try and integrate myself into the family dynamic, so I just paid child support for the years I'd missed and the coming years, and largely ignored him. Again, I know this was ridiculously scummy and I'm not trying to excuse that.
    via Natural_Goose473
  • 03
    When he was 11 his mother got married and for some reason this prompted my son to reach out to me, and complain about my lack of presence. I had no excuse for my behaviour, and hearing his anger knocked some sense into me. After that day I've been involved in his life, he comes to me whenever he feels like it. This actually reasonably often, and so i gave him a kind of taxi account so he can use my money to get a cab to me any time he wants.. He's started doing this pretty frequently, and even s
    via Natural_Goose473
  • 04
    He's 14 now and he talks to me often about his mother, stepfather and step siblings. At first it seemed extremely sweet and I was glad he was part of a functional family but innocuous statements started piling up. He does most of the chores, his step siblings order him around, his mum has grown distant (I feel this is partly my fault, he looks a lot like me) and his step dad treats him worse than the other kids. Despite this, he doesn't want to upset him mum by complaining and is ok with just su
    via Natural_Goose473
  • 05
    This got the attention of his mother and therefore tonight I and his mother got into a large fight over this bribery, and she accused me of exploiting our son, I accused her of neglecting him and she told me that was rich, (which fair) and she called me a rich and pompous a h le who was trying to steal her son. AITA? I know I'm not the best father, but I think in this case bribery could be helpful for his wellbeing.
    via Natural_Goose473
  • 06

    Most people thought that he was just trying to make things right.

    Magic Builder_21 INFO: This is entirely dependent on one thing: WHY are you bribing him? Is it genuinely 100% because you feel your son wants to live with you, and you're just encouraging him to choose himself over mother/stepsiblings or is it because you want a relationship with him and this is a way of furthering your own ends. While i understand you feel guilt over your past actions, guilt isn't going to help your son in this position. Yes, you hurt him, but frankly, thats irrelevant right no
    via Magic_Builder_21
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    Natural_Goose473 OP I don't know if he would be better off with me or in with him mother. Honestly the main point here is to give him a reason to get through those slightly awkward conversations with his mother, and make him feel welcome here. I want him to be able to choose whichever home is best for him on the specific day and be able to move back and forth freely according to his own wishes. And yeah, I guess you're right, my guilt is irrelevant. I do think what I'm doing is providing the bes
    via National_Goose473
  • 08
    rikaragnarok Your son has become the family scapegoat to his mother. He's been othered in his own mom's home. You just gotta be the parent and protect him from that. It sounds like you are, but your mental ideal of how his family life has been has gotten in the way. What you think his life has been like is not the reality of what his life has been like. Keep asking questions and keep listening to his answers. Keep being a safe space for your kid. Add: I was that child. My dad left, my mother got
    via rikaragnarok
  • 09
    Where WeretheAdults NTA. This isn't bribery. This is accommodating your son's wants and needs. Something parents do. Children decorate their rooms. Children have input into their furniture. He's 14. He should have input into these things. He should have an expectation of privacy and control over his personal spaces. Do not listen to his mom. She hid an entire son from you for six years. Now she's upset you're doing parent things for your son. She's accusing you of trying to steal your son. That,
    via WhereWeretheAdults
  • 10
    KaliTheBlaze Is it really bribery, though? The bunk bed and room decoration especially sounds like a very innocent sort of indulging in a little wish fulfillment. Building him a space in your home that is his and decorated to his tastes and desires so that it feels like it belongs to him is normal parenting stuff. My younger sister and I both got to choose the paint and wall decor and bedding in our bedrooms every 3-5 years growing up (she got to do it more extensively and more often than I did
    via KaliTheBlaze
  • 11
    Kinda sounds like maybe you ought to spend some of that money you've got on therapy for you and for your son. He needs to manage an uncomfortable and delicate balance between you and his mother who it sounds like resents you. You need to figure out how to find your own balance on parenting and figuring out how much indulging him is healthy and how to set good limits and help him grow into a happy, balanced, good adult. His mom also sounds like she may need some therapy, but that's her responsibi
    via KaliTheBlaze
  • 12
    creamsodapoo He's your son. Getting him a bunk bed and some games to make him comfortable is fine. Taking everything at face value, esp the part about step-dad treating him worse, there's nothing wrong with wanting your son to do well. Keep in mind, if he stays more often, your responsibility will increase beyond being the fun/generous parent.
    via creamsodapoo
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    Natural_Goose473 OP Yes! I am preparing for that! I I've been reading books and manuals and blogs and talking to people. I have a lot of free time
    via Natural_Goose473
  • 14
    wish1wasacat I feel bad for your kid. I'm gonna say NTA...right now. Obviously yes in the past but if he's over it and happy to have you in his life now just move forward. At 14 could he start advocating for himself if he wants to change his living arrangements (maybe depending where you're based?) Do you have any custody rights if you pay child support? If he's expressing issues to you it may be worse than what he's letting on, especially if he won't stay over too often so he doesn't have to go
    via wish1wasacat
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    Natural_Goose473 OP We never went to court no, she reached out to me when he was 6 as there was a lack of funds, there was not much doubt that he was my child but we got a dna test anyway. I paid child support and extra money to put them in a good position, but the court was not involved. If this becomes an issue, I will get a lawyer.
    via Natural_Goose473
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    Competitive-Mud3047 Whatever you do, I beg you to not listen to the comments telling you to minimize or brush off your child telling you that he is being treated poorly.
    via Competitive-Mud3047
  • 17
    christyd20 NTA - you shouldn't have to NOT buy your son stuff because it makes people feel insecure. Buy him whatever you want, it's your money. So what if you missed some years, at least you're there now, make the most of every single day cos we might not be around very long, do whatever you want!
    via christyd20
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    Camomile Tea123 NTA. I don't understand why giving your child something that seems reasonable (a room that's set up to his liking) and trying to be a better father as bribery? Isn't this what parents are "supposed" to do? Shouldn't the mother be happy her child has a father that is trying to do good?
    via CamomileTea123
  • 19
    nerdy3000 NTA. You know what got her attention? Staying at your house more often, because they had him doing all the chores at hers. She's probably upset/concerned because you're taking the person who was doing the chores and now likely she has to, and if you're son spends significantly more time at your house or moves in with you, she doesn't get child support or gets less. Since it sounds like you are very well off, I'm assuming it's a hefty sum, and I strongly doubt it's all been going toward
    via nerdy3000
  • 20
    dieumica Hey man, first of all, your relationship with your son may have started off on the wrong foot, but it sounds like you genuinely regret it and have been doing everything possible to make amends. So, when are you going to stop beating yourself up over it? Second, no, it is not your fault he looks like you. Finally, this is not bribery; it's called being accommodating. You're being a good dad and creating a comfortable and welcoming place for him. You're not promising him a new PlayStation
    via dieumica
  • 21
    Puzzleheaded-Salt278 NTA. I don't see it as bribery. It's a difficult situation as you didn't know of his existence until he was 6. You reacted badly to this but you are trying to correct that and your son is willing to let you into his life By getting him bunk bed and decorate his room as he wants you are giving him space in your life. You are telling him his welcome. You are creating an environment just for him that is the opposite of what he has at his mom's. I think the mom is seeing the dif
    via Puzzleheaded-Salt278
  • 22
    Njbelle-1029 Has anyone ever at all thought to get the boy some counseling? Individually and family? You all have collectively royally fed up his life with abandonment and lack of prioritizing him, possibly emotional ab e. These are major concepts that for an emotionally developing young person cannot be solved with bribery and can have lasting traumatic impacts on his future relationships. If you have the money, this is what he needs! ESH honestly.
    via Njbelle-1029

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aita parenting bribe dad family step father reddit thread Reddit mom son
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