17-year-old alienates best friend with new boyfriend, flips out when she asks her parents to cancel trip to see her: 'I explained that he crossed a boundary'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Feb 4, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Few friendship situations are more common and more disheartening than the realization that someone only wants to be your friend when they are single. While new love is always going to change how a person spends their time, there is a balance to be made between your partner and all your other relationships that a significant minority who are coupled up completely disavow. All of a sudden, the only thing that matters is what their boyfriend or girlfriend thinks. It rarely ends well.

This issue is often worse among young people, which makes sense considering they have the least experience with romance. Almost everybody has experienced the adolescent annoyance of a friend getting into a relationship and then disappearing, or bringing their partner to every hangout and engaging in PDA in the corner. Love is blind in more ways than one, and the way it can affect other connections in somebody's life is not always positive.

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • One young woman recently had the misfortune of experiencing this with her best friend, with whom she had had an increasing number of arguments after she started a long-distance relationship several months ago. The 18-year-old was planning on visiting her for her birthday but was then told that her friend expected to spend most of her trip on the phone with her boyfriend. 

    This news prompted her to ask her friend's parents to cancel her plane tickets, which led to the boyfriend texting her and accusing her of putting her in a bad mood. This prompted a further disagreement with her friend, and she wasn't sure if she was in the wrong or not.

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    Cheezburger Image 10463238400
    via Eugene Chystiakov

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for having my best friend‘s parents cancel my plane tickets to visit her for her 18th birthday

    I'm an 18-year-old female. My best friend, Sarah, started dating someone online a few months ago, and it has changed our relationship dynamic. We've been arguing frequently due to misunderstandings. I asked her parents if I could fly up to see her for her birthday, and they paid for the tickets despite my offer to cover it myself. However, Sarah told me she planned to spend most of her time on the phone with her boyfriend and might kick me out of her room. This made me reconsider the trip, as I
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    After a misunderstanding, she clarified that she would call him during downtime and spend holidays with him, which seemed fair. We hung up, but then her boyfriend texted me (he already had my number) about Sarah having a bad day and said my uncertainty about visiting made it worse. I felt this was inappropriate and told him to mind his business. Sarah then told me I couldn't speak to him that way and that she had given him permission to text me the message.
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    I was shocked and explained that he crossed a boundary. She responded that her business was his, which made me feel disrespected. I had her parents cancel my tickets, but I expressed gratitude for their support. I felt uncomfortable visiting, especially with the potential for further arguments and disrespect for my boundaries. Sarah defended her boyfriend, saying he was just trying to help and that she really wanted me there for her birthday. She was upset that I won't be there, expressing that
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    She said it will take a long time for her to get over the hurt of me choosing not to visit. I think I might be the a h le because at the end of the day it is her 18th birthday and I don't want her to hold this over my head. I don't want to be in an environment where I might argue again, and I'd rather focus on my own life and obligations. Given the situation, do you think I did anything wrong? AITA for canceling my trip to see my best friend for her 18th birthday?
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    Commenters did not have a high opinion of any of the relationships involved.

    SantasBigHelper 1225 ? Her business is his business? If that's how she feels, fine. But giving him your number without your permission was YOUR business. She gave him permission to text you, but YOU didn't give him permission or give her permission to give him your number. Block them both and go about your life
    via SantasBigHelper1225
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    VegetableLeopard 1004 And why exactly would some random internet weirdo have your number in the first place? How old is this guy? Has she even met him in person? I don't know where you're at in the world where this is normal, but this whole situation is bizarre and suspect.
    via VegetableLeopard1004
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    Equivalent-Bluejay52 OP No, neither of us have met him irl. I do think he is who he says he is but I agree, being cautious is very important and I can see that this might be bizarre. With technology being so prevalent and online dating becoming common, I feel as though while not completely normal, this isn't the craziest situation either. I mean exceptions don't always make rules but an example of a relationship that started entirely online and became successful is Pewdiepie and his wife. I know
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    ScaryButterscotch474 OP this is crazy. Online dating doesn't mean having a relationship that is 100% online. It means meeting people initially online but then taking it to real life.
    via ScaryButterscotch474
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    Independent Tie_4984 NTA She has made it clear it will s k for you if you go and that she expects you to go anyway. Saying "No, I'd rather not" is a super power when everything about a situation is telling you not to do something and the boyfriend texting you with her permission is super cringe. I kept in contact with only one person I knew when I was your age and have no regrets Friends come and go throughout your life and you'll make more friends that are better by focusing on people that resp
    via Independent_Tie_4984
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    LighthouseonSaturn So there are going to be times in life where you outgrow people. And I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is actually a good sign. You have self respect and boundaries that you are enforcing. You are reading and seeing the signs of an unhealthy friendship. You are being strong about it, and standing up for yourself. This shows personal growth on your end! That being said, it's never easy. It hurts losing people that once meant the world to us. I still miss my bestie of 15
    via LighthouseonSaturn
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    kittytailstory Many (most?) of us aren't still best friends with the people we were friends with at 18 because people grow in all sorts of crazy directions. Sometimes, we need to step away to assess how our friendships will fit into our growth. It's so mature that you said "This doesn't sound like a really welcoming visit, and I think you will be better off just with your family and calls to your boyfriend. Maybe next time." Good on you for figuring out that when friends start putting blatant ro
    via kittytailstory
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    III-Product7553 nta she clearly is not keen on welcoming you but she is gonna be "hurt" if u dont come? she could have just not mentioned him and whenever she wanted to talk to him she could have stepped out at a reasonable time to talk while still being mindful of the fact that she has a guest. ur friend does not care about how her actions could affect you but still expects you to keep up your side of the plans
    via Ill-Product7553
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    PMmeurfishtanks It seems like she's just going out of her way to start a fight honestly, OP will be better off without her.
    via PMmeurfishtanks
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    No_Philosopher_1870 NTA. She wants to have it both ways: ignore you at her pleasure if you visit, punish you for not visiting if you don't visit.
    via No_Philosopher_1870
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    mydudeponch Put another way: she clearly doesn't want you there for her birthday--she just doesn't like the feeling of being rejected. You made the right decision not to go, and it would have been one of the worst trips in your life if you had.
    via mydudeponch
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    PersimmonBasket NTA. You are both still quite young and she is clearly head over heels with her boyfriend, but she needs to learn that she can't just shove you onto the reserves bench, and worse, give your number to him so he can have a go at you. You did the right thing.
    via PersimmonBasket
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    webshiva NTA - Your friend wants you as the back up for when her boyfriend isn't around. If they are getting along well, you won't see her. If they are fighting, she'll force you listen to her problems and then tell her boyfriend that you were hating on him. It's a no win situation. Don't go. Put your friend on a hiatus until she knows how to balance having both a boyfriend and a best friend.
    via webshiva
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    Natural_Garbage7674 NTA. She just wants an excuse to be the victim. First she's hurt that you don't want to go and just sit around waiting for her to be done with her boyfriend. Then she's hurt that you don't understand how important her boyfriend is. Then she's hurt that you don't understand her boyfriend. Then she's hurt that you won't go for her birthday. When what's actually happened is she flat out told you she wasn't particularly interested in you being there, that her boyfriend is her mai
    via Natural_Garbage7674
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    Ririkkaru You should tell her parents whats going on. He sounds controlling. At best he's an immature teenage boy, at worst he's an older guy exploiting her.
    via Ririkkaru
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    Equivalent-Bluejay52 He's 18 and she's 17. No, she hasn't met him in real life, we have seen him on video calls before. I'm very cautious of online relationships but he seems to check out. No, her parents don't know about him. They know of him but not to the extent
    via Equivalent-Bluejay52
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    Ririkkaru You should tell her parents whats going on. He sounds controlling. At best he's an immature teenage boy, at worst he's an older guy exploiting her.
    via Ririkkaru
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    BarbieBellaDoll NTA. You made a reasonable decision for your own comfort. Sarah made it clear her boyfriend was the priority, and his involvement in your conflict crossed a boundary. Canceling the trip wasn't malicious—it was about avoiding unnecessary drama. While she's hurt, she didn't do much to make you feel truly welcome. You have every right to prioritize your peace, and if she values your friendship, she should understand that.
    via BarbieBellaDoll
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    MasterpieceNo5217 NTA, she wants you there for when he's too busy to spend time with her that's all. She's shown her priorities it's time to move on from this friendship.
    via MasterpieceNo5217
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    Resident-Positive-87 Nta and to be honest you are 18, friends will come and go some may stick around and be of value but most won't and sounds like this is a friendship that has run its course. I wouldn't necessarily say you have to completely ghost her but it's probably time for the friendship to be more of a check in maybe once a month maybe once a year type of relationship.
    via Resident-Positive-87
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    SapphireFarmer 18 year olds tend to be idiots when it comes to balancing romantic relationships and friendships. Often times they are so new to the feeling of being "choosen" and "this is true love" they will throw their long term friendships away for the duration of the relationship only for them to come running back when they break up. Your friend is doing just this- and wants to have you conveniently waiting for her while she puts her focus on her boyfriend and when he's not available she can
    via SapphireFarmer

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