32-year-old single woman refuses to date any man unless he's an 8+, makes at least $100K, attends church weekly, is taller than her, and doesn't have children: 'I am trying to tell her she's looking for a one in a million guy'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Feb 6, 2025 12:00 PM EST

It's sad to admit, but dating truly is a numbers game. There are so many people in this world, and no matter what way you swing it, the majority of them don't want to date you, and you don't want to date the majority of them. When you whittle it down to your preferred age group, gender, and city, it gets even smaller. It doesn't matter if you're good-looking, smart, funny, or have all the virtues that make a good partner. If you don't put yourself out in society and give dating the old college try, you won't find a life partner. 

The difficulty of finding a partner is why I don't have a specific "type." Imagine if I met the love of my life, and I never knew it because they looked a certain way or had some flaws. Having dealbreakers is one thing, but quitting before you begin is inadvisable. 

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  • The woman at the center of this story has a laundry list of standards (one of which is truly jaw-dropping) a man must meet to even go on a first date with her. She got angry when her best friend told her this level of gatekeeping might be unrealistic despite her being 100% correct.

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    Cheezburger Image 10464354816
    via Ahmet Kurt (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.


     

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    AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?

    My best friend-let's call her "Elle" and I have been close for 10ish years, and during that time, she's been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now. Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one. She's made it clear that she's
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    unhappy with being single, sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship, and get married sooner rather than later. I can understand her frustrations, especially since she's the only single friend, wants kids someday, and so on.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to. Unfortunately, I don't, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy (who I happen to have met before) who's single, and looking for something serious.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    Elle was introduced (via text) to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone. Elle says he has a lot of "good attributes" (e.g. very educated, high salary) but she finds him completely unattractive because they're the same height (he's 5'7" and she's
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    5'7") and because of his darker skin tone. I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn't take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    Elle told me that she's only interested in men who, in her words, is an "8 or better" (looks- wise), taller than her when she's wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, making over $100k/year, doesn't have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    Cheezburger Image 10464356096
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she's unwilling to date a man (like...go out on dates) who won't commit to waiting until marriage for s . Yes, she's religious but she's not a virign and has had sin all past relationships.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn't firmly agreeing, it's a no-go. When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    I told her that I think she's asking for a very tall order, making "dating" harder than it should be. I'm not saying she should compromise on her religious values, but I am trying to tell her that she should be more open- minded about her criteria because she's looking for a one in
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    a million guy, while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    Cheezburger Image 10464358656
    via Andrej Lišakov (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Elle is now furious at me and says I'm not being a supportive friend. She says that I don't understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer. AITA?
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    1962Michael NTA. Her criteria are unrealistic, but there's no use in telling her that. I'd say if she's serious about "waiting for marriage" then she needs to drop ALL the other criteria and only talk to men AT church. If she's using it as a filter tool, it's set too high.
    via u/1962Michael
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    My wife and I met on Match back in 2007. We were both divorced parents. On the second date, she explained her "6th date rule." I had no problem with that. We hit it off obviously, and by Date 4 we were re- categorizing "visits" as "dates." Later she told me about her "year of first dates" where she went on a bunch of first dates with guys who she either wasn't interested in, or who lost interest in her over the 6th date rule.
    via u/1962Michael
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    AdoraNadora OP I asked her why she isn't looking for prospects at church, and she said all the men at church are already paired off. shrugs
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    1962Michael Of course. Single men don't go to church, except with their moms. There's a reason that the 3rd highest church attendance (after Christmas and Easter) is Mother's Day. And Father's Day is one of the lowest. Husbands go to church for their wives, and wives stay home for their husbands.
    via u/1962Michael
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    aislyng99 Not necessarily. It's because ppl who grew up in church and then STAY in the church marry quickly. Usually before/during/immediately after college (depending on how "modern" your family is). I went to a religious HS and then a religious college. At least 25% of people were married already and then 99.9% were married or engaged by graduation. If you weren't you were basically considered a failure or that something is wrong with you. (This is mostly for women. For men, it might be a bit
    via u/aislyng99
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    Fartin Scorsese NTA. Just nod and smile at her and reassure her with "I have NO IDEA why you're still single!!"
    via u/Fartin_Scorsese
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    Danominator The morally just thing to do is to not help subject her to some unfortunate guy.
    via u/Danominator
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    These-Target-6313 Yes, I will say, now that you have said your peace, that her standards are unrealistic, you dont ever need to mention it again. Just smile at her, "support her" ("Oh, there's a special guy out there just for you").
    via u/These-Target-6313
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    That way, she cant accuse you of being unsupportive. And if she ever asks if you have someone in mind, just tell her how a possible candidate fails to meet her standards. Unless you find it too annoying, then just stop hanging out with her.
    via u/These-Target-6313
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    Inner-Nothing7779 NTA I'm a man, a regular dude. I pay for all my own stuff, support my family, and generally try to treat everyone I meet with respect and dignity. She is asking too much. Her standards are astronomically high. Her dating pool my be 1% of men in the US alone. In your area it could be 0.01% of men. She's simply not going to find what she's looking for. Period. If she doesn't alter her high standards, she will live her life alone and be miserable.
    via u/Inner-Nothing7779
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    alana_r_dray I swore up and down I'd never date a hairy chested bald guy. Turns out the love of my life is a hairy chested bald guy. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I think dating should have dealbreakers (e.g., wanting kids, being gainfully employed, etc.) and then preferences (e.g., not being bald, being over
    via u/alana_r_dray
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    6 feet). Figure out your list of wants in a partner. Determine what on the list you absolutely cannot live with or live without (dealbreakers). Then determine what on the list that if everything else was met, you could be flexible on. That's your preferences list. But if you make all your preferences dealbreakers, you're setting yourself up to fail.
    via u/alana_r_dray
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    Adora Nadora OP I threw out statistics to her, too, and basically said this sounds like a 1% kind of dude, but I felt like she brushed it off. Idk if she's in denial or straight indignant at this point. I really don't know.
    via u/AdoraNadora
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    mmavcanuck The dude she is looking for isn't going to be single.
    via u/mmavcanuck
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    Gracieloves Is she in the 1% of women? Does she meet her own criteria if roles are reversed? 1. 8 or above 2. Advanced degree 3. +100 k salary 4. Her specified skin tone and fits the western European beauty standards
    via u/Gracieloves
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    Inner-Nothing7779 She's likely a mix of both denial and indignant as well as the general human trait of doubling down when shown to be wrong.
    via u/Inner-Nothing7779
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    TemptingPenguin369 NTA. How shallow of her. Oh, and r cist. And with ridiculous height standards. She's awful.
    via u/TemptingPenguin369
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    HuntMiserable5351 Like!!! How is everyone skipping the complexion thing?
    via u/HuntMiserable5351
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    Legal-Law9214 I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find the racism comment. She wants someone "of a certain complexion" and rejected a guy for having dark skin? She's r cist. That's what that means. The fact that OP isn't calling out the racism specifically is a whole other problem. I say ESH based on that.
    via u/Legal-Law9214

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Dating-Relationships first date 30s dating fails single men woman single ladies double standard dates high standards standards women dating dating advice
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