Mom pressures her 15-year-old daughter to change last name from her late father's last name to her stepfather's last name, can't understand why she refuses: '[My mom] doesn't think I should be hurting because of it'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Feb 21, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Changing your name is a huge decision. It seems like more and more young women are sticking with their given surname after marriage instead of automatically changing it to their husband's, and I'm totally here for it. I really like the name I was blessed with, and I probably wouldn't change it unless I got a sick, hyphenated name in return or my partner's last name was objectively way cooler than mine. That might sound like a selfish way of approaching names, but why shouldn't you be greedy about your name? If you're an adult, you should be allowed to be called anything you want! Even if you're a kid, you should have input over which name/nickname is used for you! You can legally change your name to just about anything, so if you change it, it really should be your choice! While your parents initially give you your name, there's no rule saying you've got to stick with it. 

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  • It's one thing for your mom to pick your name when you are fresh out of the womb, but if you're 15 years old, she doesn't really get that much of a say in revising her initial choice. The mom in this story wants her daughter to change her last name to her stepdad's last name, and the teen is unsurprisingly unreceptive to this. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10470678016
    via Volodymyr Hryshchenko

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 02

    AITA for telling my mom to stop acting like I have my stepdad's last name?

    My mom and stepdad started dating my stepdad when I (15f) was 7. My dad did a year before that but two years ago I found out that my parents were heading for divorce when dad di d and she wasn't happy with him so moving on faster was easier for her and that was why she wasn't as sensitive to my feelings when she was dating my stepdad.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    I like my stepdad and I'm glad my mom's happy. I have a good relationship with my half siblings. There aren't any issues between us all. The only thing is I have a different last name to them. My mom took my stepdad's name when they got married. They
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    Cheezburger Image 10470685184
    via Jeremy Wong Weddings

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    asked about changing my name and maybe adoption but I said no. It was dropped when I said no. But my mom on and off will use my stepdad's last name when talking about me instead of my last name.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    Like sometimes she'll say I'm M Smith instead of M Jones. Or she'll tell people I'm a Smith too. When my aunt was planning her wedding she listed us as Smith- Jones family and mom said it was just Smith. My aunt pointed out I was Jones and my mom stopped fighting it but said we could just be Smith.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    There's also times when she full names me but instead of using my actual full name she'll use my stepdad's last name instead.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    It has always bothered me and I did correct her a few times but I tried to not to turn it into a fight. I'm not even trying to fight my mom now but it sorta became one.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    What happened is my mom ordered this family by heart tree which is basically something that lets you include whoever. She used full names and put me down as Smith instead of Jones. I told my mom a mistake was made with my name and she said it wasn't. I told her I didn't like being called a Smith when I'm a Jones. Mom asked what the big
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    deal is and she said I'm still a Smith regardless. I said I'm a Jones or a Johnson (her old last name) but not a Smith. She asked me why I didn't want to use the family name and I said I do have the family name, my family name and I told her she needs to accept it and stop acting like I have my stepdad's last name. He
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    walked in on us talking/fighting about it and he was hurt that | wanted the name changed and he asked if we couldn't talk about it when things were calmer. I agreed and mom was like fine.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    It came back up a couple of days later and my mom and stepdad were talking about it. Mom started off by saying I'm the kid and I don't get to tell her what to do. I told her I don't see why she keeps trying to act like I have a different last name than I do. I said it might be dad's last name but it's mine too and I don't want to change it. I said I thought they
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    Cheezburger Image 10470679808
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    accepted it. My stepdad said he had but it hurt a little that I was so against using his. My mom said I was making it a bigger deal than it is and that she's not hurting anyone by doing it. She told me Jones still goes on everything official but I am a Smith too and she thinks I should want to be. I told her I just want
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    to be able to keep my name the way it is. I told her I don't like when she uses Smith for me specifically. I said if she wants to call us the Smith family that's fine, that I don't see why she's bothered by Smith-Jones but at least say I'm a Jones.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    Mom wanted me to apologize for telling her what to do and I said I couldn't because I don't feel like I'm wrong to say that when I had already told her how I feel. AITA?
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    AllyKalamity Ask your mum how she would feel if she did and your stepdads new wife adopted your younger siblings and erased her existence. Or how he would feel if he di d and your mums next husband changes his kids names??
    via u/AllyKalamity
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    KaetzenOrkester This right here. The OP should ask her stepfather how he thinks his children would feel if he were to di and their mother tried to change their last name to that of her new husband. She's done it once. She'll do it again.
    via u/KaetzenOrkester
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    un-affiliated Make sure to specify the name change is against their will.
    via u/un-affiliated
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    Giraffe-gurl I doubt she'll see it this way but it's worth a try. It sounds like the mom wants to di on this hill, and the stepdad is way too sensitive to this, especially considering she was nearing double digits when they got married. Her parent's marriage was maybe a disaster, but that doesn't give the mom the right to pollute OP's feelings. I feel for OP.
    via u/Giraffe-gurl
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    cgm824 I agree, u/MeadowsPlushyy. You're young, so let me explain this. As you move into adulthood, you'll learn that you can only be so nice and polite so many times. Eventually, you have to draw a line and set a firm boundary. You've already tried being polite, and as you've seen, it hasn't gotten you anywhere. In this case, your mother is mistaking your kindness for weakness. She thinks
    via u/cgm824
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    if she keeps nagging you, you'll eventually relent and give in. Your mother is a hard learner; she only learns the hard way. You need to take a firm stance and set a very clear boundary with her. You need to change your tone. No more being the nice girl, it's not working. You don't need to be mean, but you need to be stern!
    via u/cgm824
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    agnesperditanitt ΝΤΑ "My mom said I was making it a bigger deal than it is and that she's not hurting anyone by doing it." She is hurting you by doing it, obviously. Why are your feelings disposable to her?
    via u/agnesperditanitt
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    MeadowsPlushyy OP She doesn't think I should be hurting because of it. To her most kids wouldn't want to feel "left out" by having a different last name. But it happens and it's not the big deal she's making it out to be. Does it let people know I have a different parent? Probably. But I do. My stepdad isn't my dad no matter how long he and my mom have been together.
    via u/MeadowsPlushyy
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    TootsNYC um...mom.... "feeling left out" is not a matter of having a different name. Feeling left out comes from being treated differently, singled out. Which is actually what she's doing. She's currently creating any sense of feeling left out, by making a big deal about this.
    via u/TootsNYC
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    Also, she's ignoring all the feelings about changing your name―erasing your de d dad from your world; being disoriented by having a new name. changing your name is not simple; you'll have to run around constantly reminding people that your name is different now. Every time, going through the twinge of regret, of sorrow, and of annoyance. Repeated!
    via u/TootsNYC
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    Imaginary-Angle-42 And multiple times as an adult. "Have you had any other name/last name" is a question my husband or I get asked several times a year. His birth certificate has a different last name on it and there's no paperwork really officially changing that. I took his name when I got married. If OP changes her name when she gets married then that's another name change. She's 15 not 5. Keep her name.
    via u/Imaginary-Angle-42
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    Cute-Profession9983 How about mom apologizes for trying tonerase your father. Honestly, I'd play the de d dad card HARD. "It's fine if YOU hate my de d father, but I don't and he's the only father I have." Then ask the step-dad how he would feel if he did and your mom remarried and tried to get his kids to change their name because she didn't care about him anymore. Because neither of them have considered your feelings at all.
    via u/Cute-Profession9983

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family drama surname crazy things parents say teenagers last name parenting dad names family stepdad daughter last names mom Parenting Fail Parenting FAILS
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