20-year-old son accrues $15,000 of credit card debt, dad refuses to help pay it off with his retirement fund: 'Every time, he swears it’ll be the last time'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Mar 17, 2025 1:00 PM EDT

A lot of parents say that they are willing to do anything for their kids, but even the most doting of moms and dads can have their limits. While many will agree that it's understandable for somebody to continue supporting their children as they find their feet in young adulthood, there can be a fine line between help and indulgence.

The reality is that there comes a point in everybody's life when they have to take more responsibility for their actions and not expect their close family members to take the brunt of it for them. This can prove to be a more difficult lesson for some people than others, not least if their lifestyle and spending habits don't match up with what they can afford by themselves. Annoying as it can be, the majority of people have to learn to budget if they want to live within their means.

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  • This is a lesson that one 20-year-old man was facing after his dad was at his limit with helping him financially. Previously, he had helped him cover things like rent or unexpected car expenses, but now he had racked up $15,000 of credit card debt that was going to be a struggle to pay. 

    The dad was reluctant to help out, as this would mean taking from his retirement savings, but he also worried about his son's future financial status, and his duty as a father. He wanted to know if he was doing the right thing in refusing to help.

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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for refusing to bail out my only son from $15,000 debt?

    My only son, who is 20, has racked up about $15,000 in credit card debt. He has a decent job, but he spends way more than he earns―stuff like designer clothes, eating out all the time, and weekend getaways. Now he's struggling to even make the minimum payments and has come to me asking for a loan to wipe out the debt. For context, I've bailed him out before with smaller money problems. I've covered his rent when he couldn't pay, or I've handled unexpected car repairs for him. Every time, he swea
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    I love my son to death and want him to do well, but I'm scared that if I keep rescuing him, he'll never learn to handle his finances. Also, I'm not rich-giving him $15,000 would mean pulling from my retirement savings, which I've been building for years to secure my own future. I'm stuck. I hate the idea of him facing big consequences like wrecked credit or even bankruptcy, which could haunt him for a long time. But I also don't want him to keep overspending and relying on me to clean up the mes
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    There's also this family thing-my parents always said you help your kids no matter what, and they bailed me out when I was younger. It makes me feel like I should step up for him too, but I'm starting to think that might just enable him more. So, tell me: Would I be the a_h_ le if I say no to giving him the money this time and let him face the fallout of his choices?
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    Outsiders wholeheartedly supported him in his decision, and gave some advice.

    sanityjanity NTA Absolutely do not extract your retirement savings for this. Instead, sit with him, and ask him to sit down with you to figure out the problem. He can download 12 months of bank records and credit card charges. The truth is that, in addition to living beyond his means, he is likely paying 30% interest on his cards, but doesn't really understand how much that is per year, especially as it is compounding monthly.
    via sanityjanity
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    Permit-Extreme-117 He needs to go to the bank and consolidate his debt into a personal loan. Make him pay if off, with bank interest (but lower than credit card interest would be), so he actually starts to learn to live within his means. If people keep bailing him out he'll refuse to change; he has no respect for the people he takes money from.
    via Permit-Extreme-117
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    Goannagoingtogetyou NTA But has he ever paid you back in the past? He is acting incredibly spoiled and immature by ignoring you or refusing to take responsibility for his massive overspending. He doesn't get to do that and still expect handouts from you, tell him that the only way he is going to get even a single dollar more of support is to go through a forensic and adult exploration of his annual finances and apply a strict budget that he lives by.
    via Goannagoingtogetyou
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    Broad Programmer_203 OP Nope. Just two months ago, he dented his car on a trip with friends and borrowed $650 from me to get it fixed. When I asked for the money some days later, he brushed it off, saying it's not about judgment because he gives me rides in his car. I get that he's my son, and as his dad, I don't really expect to get the money back when I give it to him. Still, I can't help feeling strange about it. It's frustrating that he acts like giving me rides once or twice in a month canc
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    Mmm_Lychees NTA Now is the time for him to face the consequences of his actions, especially while he doesn't have others dependent on him. parents always said you help your kids no matter what You done your duty bailing him out before. He didn't learn his lesson. Not bailing him out again will be a learning experience for him.
    via Mmm_Lychees
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    Broad Programmer_203 OP yes I am also thinking same this time.
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    20eyesinmyhead78 He's only 20. There's plenty of time for him to rebuild his credit. But there's never a better time for him to learn about consequences than right now. Protecting him is only going to make things worse. NTA
    via 20eyesinmyhead78
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    gringaellie NTA he clearly sees you as his back-up plan. Get him a meeting with a debt advisor about consolidating his credit cards into a loan with lower interest. And then step back. Tell him to start selling his designer gear to pay his debts too.
    via gringaellie
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    Broad Programmer_203 OP Yes, I told him to sell some of his sh gears and watches. He can get 9 to 10k for them. Then I'll manage the rest. He said I don't care about his emotions about these items.
    via Broad_Programmer_203
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    ItxWasxLikexBOEM Of course, you don't care about his emotions for those items. You are not an ATM. He needs money, those things are worth money, easy peasy. You should care about your retirement. 15k is a lot of money. Your son will not pay you back, you know this. & It's not like they're heirlooms. That would be different IMO. This is just stuff. Your son has issues. If you bail him out now, you will for the rest of your life.
    via ItxWasxLikexBOEM
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    Cheque-Plz NTA - he clearly needs to learn that HE is responsible for the consequences of his actions. He could likely sell some of his designer goods to help bail himself out.
    via Cheque-Plz
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    Vegetable-Cod-2340 ΝΤΑ Op you help your son by teaching him to solve his own problem. If you're in the states each state has an debt consolidation program. They'll contact his creditors and get him on an affordable payment plan. Then you get him in contact with a financial advisor and they help him build a budget and teach him to leave within his means.
    via Vegetable-Cod-2340
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    Prechrchet NTA: I would make any future help I gave him predicated on him taking a money management class of some sort. There are several out there, I can recommend Financial Peace University, as it did wonders for our finances. Bailing him out only kicks the can down the road. He needs to learn how to manage his money, and its going to take more than just "talking to him about budgetting and planning."
    via Prechrchet
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    redneckerson 1951 ΝΤΑ (1) Offer to help him lay out a budget that will allow him to pay down his debt. But do not pay his bills. And do not touch your retirement funds unless you need them for critical financial shortfalls before you retire. (2) Check and see if he can qualify for a Zero Interest balance transfer credit card. If he is current with his cards and his credit score is above 670, then Capital One has a card that allows transferring another card balance to their car with no interest c
    via redneckerson1951
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    (3) If you help him (by helping guide him through this financial mess, do not hand him money (let him pay it off himself with his earnings) and insist on him providing access to his credit reporting bureau accounts so you can watch with him for changes in his credit rating. It also allows you to see any new accounts being opened or closed. (4) Mandate he come to the house with his credit cards in hand. Then take the cards, put them in a plastic container, fill with water to cover the cards and p
    via redneckerson1951
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    (6) Be sure to cross check the open accounts listed by the credit bureaus against the credit cards he places in the ice block in your freezer. Periodically recheck to make sure no new accounts are opened and that accounts are being kept up-to-date. (7) Have him focus any money left over from his budget to pay down the card with the smallest balance. That will accelerate the pay off of that card. Then focus the amount that was being paid on the now paid off card, on the next card in his list of d
    via redneckerson1951
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    IncredulousPulp NTA. He's facing difficult consequences because you've always bailed him out before and he's never had to learn better. You've got to let him deal with it himself. This will be life changing in a good way. He'll have to make a financial plan and stick with it. And it's no worse than any other young man who bought a new car and crashed it before insuring it. Let him swim through his own turds, it's the only way.
    via IncredulousPulp
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    Mailywoman You mentioned that he has a car and designer clothes. If he wants the sum to be covered, he can give out his materialist needs and start sustaining himself. Don't bail him out, even if it makes you SEEM like an a_h_le. He needs something to make him realize the way he's living isn't going to take him far
    via Mailywoman
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    Party-Department9074 NTA - I fully support the saying that you help out your family no matter what. But that doesn't mean to bail them out just because. Helping would mean that things get better in the long run and for that, your son needs to grow up. If your son doesn't learn to budget his own life and understand that his actions have consequences, you're probably gonna spend your ehole retirement on him. He's gotta learn this, either with your help through budgeting and saving money or without
    via Party-Department9074

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