'I've always felt like an outsider': Woman refuses to spend $4000 on father-in-law's 60th birthday trip since they always ignore her, husband is torn over her decision

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Apr 8, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

Using your vacation days on something you don't want to go to is definitely not how you want to live your life. At least it's not how most of us want to spend our lives. We probably want to be choosy about who gets our time and who gets our money, seeing as there's not an infinite amount of it to go around. You most likely have places you'd like to visit, friends you'd like to see, and stuff you'd like to buy, so spending time and money on someone else's vacation is not at the top of your list. 

It's hard to be around people who you don't get along with. It can take it out of you, mentally and emotionally. You might bend over backward trying to be their friend and then end up wishing you hadn't. It's better to know to choose your battles and let some things go. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10491247360
    via Unsplash+ (Polina Kuzovkova)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • That's what one woman tried to do when her not-so-nice in-laws invited her on a trip. She considered just going in order to smooth things along but thought better of it when she considered the cost (emotional and financial). Her husband was torn, though, about her decision. Read on for the details and see what happens.

  • 02

    AITA for refusing to go on a week-long vacation with my husband's family for his dad's 60th birthday?

    My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been together since we were 16. In all the years we've been together, his family has never really made an effort to get to know me or build any kind of real relationship. Meanwhile, my husband and I are both very close to my family holidays, birthdays, - casual hangouts, all of it.
    via u/No-Air6311
  • 03
    After we got married a couple of years ago, not much changed. His family still has very limited contact with us (months go by without a call or text) — mostly just showing up to - dinner for birthdays and major holidays. I've always felt like an outsider, and it's hard for me to show up and pretend like we're one big happy family when the truth is
    via u/No-Air6311
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    they've never really included me or made me feel welcome. Some examples: 1) his mom's birthday is just two days away from mine, and she refused to acknowledge my birthday until we were married. 2) I have always passed on gifts for holidays, anniversaries and mother's day etc. even though if I was not invited or included, but the gesture has never been reciprocated until after we were married and my husband had to make a point to his mom to get me a Christmas gift.
    via u/No-Air6311
  • 05
    Now, his dad is turning 60, which I understand is a big milestone. I'm happy to celebrate with them and attend any kind of party or dinner. But here's the issue: his mom wants to plan a week long trip to an all- inclusive resort to celebrate and expects us to join.
    via u/No-Air6311
  • 06
    I've already voiced to my husband that I'm not comfortable with this. Aside from the obvious cost (around $4,000 for both of us), I really don't want to spend 7 days of my limited vacation time making small talk and pretending to be close with people who've never shown real interest in getting to know me. I feel like I'm being asked to fake a relationship that doesn't exist, and honestly, that feels draining and disrespectful to my own time and emotional energy. It just feels fake.
    via u/No-Air6311
  • 07
    My husband understands how I feel, but I can tell he's torn. I told him I support him going if he wants to, but I personally don't want to go. So... AITA for not wanting to spend a week on vacation with my in-laws?
    via u/No-Air6311
  • 08

    Commenters backed up her right to say no.

    Enidan2 3h ago NTA • Your reasons why you don't feel like going on this trip are totally valid. It's understandable, that your husband is torn between you and his family, but it would be a different story, if you told him not to go either. You don't have a close relationship with his family, it's a lot of money and no matter why you don't feel comfortable with this, you just don't, and therefore should not be forced to go.
    via u/Enidan2
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    CatsAreTheBest68 3h ago Why not go for just 3 nights? You don't have to go the whole week.
    via u/CatsAreTheBest68
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    . Moto_Hiker 3h ago NAH No harm in them asking but a week of PTO wasted in forced company and in an all-inclusive? That's a hard pass from me
    via u/Moto_Hiker
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    • 1962Michael 3h ago NAH. This is between you and your husband. If you decide to go, it would be to support HIS wishes, not MIL's. Has your husband ever gone along with you on a vacation with your family? If so, then it would seem only fair for you to go with him on this one. IF he wants you to.
    via u/1962Michael
  • 12
    You've "never been" close to your in-laws. It seems to me that if you WANT to be closer, even if only for your husband's sake, this would be an opportunity for you to get closer. And for sure if you DON'T go, then you will be firmly cementing the wall between you and MIL.
    via u/1962Michael
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    Cheezburger Image 10491249152
    via Kelvin Zyteng
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    HootblackDesiato 3h ago • NTA. You are an adult and you can engage, or not, as you see fit. No rationalizations or justifications are necessary. Also: 60 is not any more of big deal than any other birthday, and birthdays are way overdone.
    via u/HootblackDesiato
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    • WanderingGnostic 3h ago NTA. They've shut you out at every point and made it clear where you stand. I mean, they've had since you were 16 yo to get to know you.
    via u/WanderingGnostic
  • 16
    I don't know about other parents, but we always tried to get to know our kids' partners no matter how long the relationships lasted. H I, some of them still consider us bonus parents and we're fond of them, too.
    via u/WanderingGnostic
  • 17
    It's really kind of sad that your husband doesn't really have your back on this, but the practical solution is that he deal with his family (gifts, events, everything) and while he's gone you go spend time with your family. I have a long time policy of never going where I'm not welcome and if that involves family, so be it. It makes for less drama and bulls in my life.
    via u/WanderingGnostic
  • 18
    A warning, though, they might decide to change all that when grandchildren begin arriving. Just watch how they treat them. If they are still ignoring you, you may have to put an end to their nonsense.
    via u/WanderingGnostic
  • 19
    RandChick 2h ago . Not at all. He should go. You should stay home. They really just care if he attends, I'm sure.
    via u/RandChick
  • 20
    RadioSupply · 2h ago • NTA. You are going to pay thousands to be ignored and deal with tension you haven't done anything to create. For what? A man who barely speaks to you and has no reciprocal relationship with you? Your husband can go alone. You have work to do.
    via u/RadioSupply
  • 21
    ParisianFrawnch Fry • 2h ago NAH I don't blame you for not wanting go, but maybe keep an open mind towards it?
    via u/ParisianFrawnchFry
  • 22
    Jerseygirl2468 2h ago NTA they don't treat you like family so why would you want to go?
    via u/Jerseygirl2468
  • 23
    Additional_Bad7702 1h ago NTA but who said you had to spend much of that week with the in laws? Plenty of opportunities to go do your own thing.
    via u/Additional_Bad7702
  • 24
    k23_k23 1h ago • NTA simply don't go. "I told him I support him going if he wants to, but I personally don't want to go." .. that's great: Support him by letting him go on his own.
    via u/k23_k23
  • 25
    alisonchains2023 • 2h ago NTA but don't be surprised if your husband opts to go. And since you already told him you support him going, you can't really back out of that.
    via u/alisonchains2023
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    teresajs 2h ago NTA They've never invited you for a holiday. Of course you wouldn't spend your limited PTO with them! Your husband can ask around to see if there's another family member who wants to split accommodations with him.
    via u/teresajs

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