Doug the doggo drops steaming payback on out-of-line neighbor’s driveway, teaching him a pungent lesson about neighborly manners: 'This was two days ago and I haven't quit laughing since'

There are certain social contracts we all honor: pick up after your dog, wave politely at neighbors, and, above all, avoid flinging insults at friendly strangers armed with biodegradable "doggy" bags. But one grumpy local didn't get the memo. Enter Mr. Crankypants, a man religious about his lawn and sporting the temperament of a goose defending a bread crust.

Our dog-momma was on a peaceful suburban stroll, earbuds in, with her loyal doggo pal Doug happily sniffing his way through new territory. Suddenly, the serenity is shattered. Out pops Mr. Crankypants, who greets you with all the warmth of a parking ticket, barking about grass and canine conspiracies. Before you know it, you're in a verbal tug-of-war, bags of dog doo swaying like the world's weirdest trophy.

But here's where the story turns from neighborhood drama to pooetic justice.

Author image for Etai Eshet Etai Eshet
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  • Some people send birthday cards. Others, like Doug's mom, show their commitment to karmic stability, hand-deliver a lovingly curated sampler of fresh doggie delights from three canine contributors, personally gift-wrapped with Easter confetti and a sprinkle of revenge glitter.

    There’s something undeniably sweet (and, okay, a little stinky) about watching a suburban villain meet his just desserts. Because in this quirky slice of suburbia, sometimes the best way to say “happy birthday” is with a special, squishy surprise and a lesson in neighborly love.

  • "A special gift for a neighbor who insulted me and my dog."

    RESERVED for* THE DOG
    via SuZiee_Q

    Doug the doggo

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  • 1 (44f) live in an upper-middle class neighborhood that's pretty vast. 75 or so homes, built between 70s-90s. No HOA, but a neighborhood association and crime watch org, neither of which
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  • I am a part of. We purchased the home in '21. Everyone we've met have been very friendly for the most part. My children are teenagers, so we haven't explored
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  • much of our neighborhood. We often see other people that I assume live elsewhere, park in front of my home or near it to walk our neighborhood as well.
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  • Cheezburger Image 10497147904
    via webphotographeer
  • A couple of years ago, we adopted a puppy. I checked out the distance of the bordering streets of our neighborhood (one of which our home sits on) and found it is 3.20 miles, so walking
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  • the outer edges of the neighborhood became my normal dog walking route. A few weeks ago, our local park was closed for renovations, so I began exploring all the connecting
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  • streets inside my neighborhood to give him new things to see and smell. This of course gave opportunity to meet new neighbors. I have in ear buds on
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  • Cheezburger Image 10497138944
    via welcomia

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • walks, so it's mostly simple pleasantries, sometimes a quick conversation. It's been largely lovely until a couple of days ago.
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  • Walking in about the middle of a new street we had not been on before (there isn't much through traffic) I noticed a (60ishM) in his yard by his garage. I gave a
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  • Surprise! Happy birthday!

    Cheezburger Image 10497138176
    via Rob Byron's Images

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • cursory smile and wave but noticed he was speaking. Taking my earbud out as I walked towards his yard I asked "what was that"? He replied; "keep your dog off my grass". I was a lil
    via SuZiee_Q
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  • shocked by the rudeness and tone so I replied with a sort of giggle" he wasn't near your grass, but ok". I'm shaking my head, walking away. Louder now,
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  • he yells "I don't give a it's my grass and I don't want the f I on it". I was almost too stunned to speak but I managed " well, I don't wanted strange
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  • bloated men barking orders at me, so when he in your yard, you can say something, until then go f yourself"!
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  • dog. I'm about two streets over when I see a black suburban creeping past a stop sign. It's him. I recognized it from his driveway. He's speeding up to me, I think to
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  • We hop into someone's yard off the curb. He speeds by and yells "f b you "while giving me his fat, red finger out of the window. Now,
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  • I'm smoking with anger, my dog is confused but, he just let me know that no one is home at his house. I circled back and opened my steaming bag in the center of
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  • gauge where his tires would hit. It was a heavy load too, about 4 turds. But, it wasn't enough, I'm still angry.
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  • I go home look up his address, find his name, socials, all that. His birthday is in two days- I smile cause I know I'll have a special present for him. I called my most unhinged friend that happens to have two dogs, she's happy to collect samples for me. At home, I
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  • do the same and in two days time, have a ripe pile of sh from three dogs. I purchased a manilla envelope, grap some Easter crinkle confetti paper and some gloves to get working his birthday present. I'm sure to grab the envelopes with bubble wrap on
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  • the inside. I address it to him and write "happy birthday" in large letters underneath, stuff it with dog sh and fill just the top with enough crinkle paper that's it's hard to see what's inside. I walk it, alone, to his home on his birthday and put it in his paper box very
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  • early then I come back at mail time and wait on the nearest cross street, hidden. I see him come out directly after the mail truck, he grabs my manilla envelope! Yessss! I can taste the revenge on my tounge. I'm about to walk the opposite direction home but I see him opening the envelope! A front row seat, this is
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  • beautiful. He is half way up his driveway when I hear "what the fu" followed by "goddamnit to h!" as he trying to fling sh from his hand. I start running I know he was going to instinctively look around. I'm out of there, my heart was jackhammering in my chest. I'm out on a main road before I slow down to a normal walk and made it back home without incident.
    via SuZiee_Q
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  • This was two days ago and I haven't quit laughing since and I think I'm satisfied - for now anyway. Thanks for reading ETA: Dog tax post link in comments
    via SuZiee_Q

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