Child refuses to attend grandmother's funeral because she didn't treat them like a ‘real grandchild’, then calls father out on hypocrisy when he remembers her as a good person: ‘She treated us with a lot of toxicity’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
May 4, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings regarding different people. At the end of the day, your best friend Sally can be completely devoted to you and refuse to look in the same direction as someone else. Now, this might say something about the nature of Sally's character, which is a different conversation, but you see what I'm getting at here.

In terms of family, members are not obligated to be equally kind to everyone who shares their DNA, even though they probably should—at least, to children who obviously don't deserve maltreatment otherwise. All families are different, though, and the one in this next story proves that DNA means nothing and parents aren't always looking out for their children.

The child, who did not share their age, explains that they and their sibling decided to skip out on their grandmother's funeral because she never treated the two like "real" grandchildren. This toxicity was exclusive to them, and they believe it's due to their grandmother disliking their mother. Their father, on the other hand, refuses to acknowledge this mistreatment and goes so far as to remember her in a picture-perfect manner. The kids feel like their father doesn't care about the late grandmother's mistreatment, and they tell their father off once and for all.

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  • Some commenters insist that the children could've attended their grandmother's funeral to support their father, but I disagree. If their father turned a blind eye to the grandmother's ill behavior, why should they soothe their father's heartache? Years of mistreatment and exclusion weigh on their backs, so it's only right that they avoid another uncomfortable situation.

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    "He doesn't just rewrite history. He completely gaslights us."
    via Pablo Merchán Montes For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    "AITA for refusing to go to my grandma’s funeral and telling my dad it’s hypocritical to pretend she was a good person?"

    My grandma passed away three years ago. When it happened, my sibling and I refused to attend her funeral. The reason is simple she never treated us like her real
    via Fluffy-Temporary-745
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    grandchildren. In fact, she treated us with a lot of toxicity and hate, mainly because she disliked our mom.
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    Growing up, we hated being. around her and eventually stopped visiting her altogether. Despite all this, my dad always criticized us for how we felt about
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    her. He was furious when we refused to attend her funeral, but after a few weeks, things calmed down and it wasn't a big topic anymore.
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    Until yesterday. Out of nowhere, my dad started talking about how "good of a person" my grandma was. I interrupted him and told him that she wasn't a good person, at least not to us, and
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    reminded him of the way she treated us growing up. I also said that people shouldn't be hypocrites pretending someone was great just because they've passed away, when the reality was the complete opposite.
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    Cheezburger Image 10500005632
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Now my dad is mad at me again, saying I was disrespectful and out of line. But I honestly don't think I was wrong for speaking up. So, AITA?
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    Arorua_Mendes NTA. Your experiences with your grandmother were real and valid and no one gets to rewrite that history just because she d d. Your perception of her is based on how she actually behaved toward you. Family dynamics are messy as h I. Your
    via Arorua_Mendes
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    father probably has his own complicated relationship with his mother thats different from yours. Your experiences matter just as much as anyone elses. The truth can be uncomfortable but pretending helps no one. Your honesty isnt disrespectful its authentic to your experience and that deserves respect too.
    via Arorua_Mendes
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    Fluffy-Temporary-745 He doesn't just rewrite history. He completely gaslights us. He acts like she was this loving, caring grandma who always adored us, and even says she prayed for us all the time during her last years whenever he visited her. Honestly, if I didn't already know he lies without even thinking, I might have actually believed it and even felt sad for her. Lol.
    via Fluffy-Temporary-745
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    When she first passed away, I tolerated a lot of his nonsense out of respect because he had just lost a loved one. I tolerated him being mad at us for not visiting her and not attending her funeral. I even put up with him trying to guilt-trip us into thinking we were the bad grandchildren who abandoned her.
    via Fluffy-Temporary-745
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    But now, after three years, I think it is time for me to draw a line. He needs to start respecting how we feel too.
    via Fluffy-Temporary-745
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    Dr_JoJo_ NTA for not going to the funeral. NTA for reminding him that his own children were treated extraordinarily poorly by his mother. He can "recall" what he wishes about her, but he shouldn't speak of her being a saint in front of the people she terrorized. Nor should he be surprised or feel her memory is being betrayed when it's brought to his attention. FAFO Edit for grammer.
    via Dr_JoJo_
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    dzarumazh NTA It's tricky because your dad just lost his mother and grief can have a big impact on how he's thinking about things his life, his own - experiences and memories, his own mortality. Perhaps his own feelings are conflicted and he's just in denial, or he's trying to control his environment or project something onto you to cope with whatever he's experiencing right now.
    via dzarumazh
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    But you and your sibling had the experiences you had with your grandmother, and that is valid and shouldn't be brushed aside just because she passed. You and your sibling were pretty brave to take a stand that reflected your values, and I think you both will benefit from that kind of authenticity and courage in your lives.
    via dzarumazh
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    iheartwords NTA I'm sorry, OP; it stinks when a parent doesn't put his kids first. I'd ask him point blank, why are you okay with someone treating your children badly.
    via iheartwords
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    Confident_Nav6767 Nta. He doesn't get to rewrite your history because she's his mom and he had a different experience than you do. Especially if he didn't defend you from her toxic behavior. That would make him almost as bad as her for not protecting his children from her even if she was his mom. Children outweigh the grandparent in responsibility. I hope you and your sibling are able to heal and your father wisens up.
    via Confident_Nav6767
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    introspectiveliar NTA. Just become someone dies their past misdeeds aren't forgotten and they aren't suddenly eligible for sainthood.
    via introspectiveliar

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family drama entitled parents grandma reddit story family feud parenting funeral dad family reddit thread Reddit grandmother Parenting Fail parents children Father
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