40-year-old Stepmother refuses to pay 20-year-old stepdaughter's college rent despite paying for her own 19-year-old daughter's rent and being married to the stepdaughter's father for 12-years: 'My husband has no idea I'm paying my daughter's rent'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
May 5, 2025 12:00 PM EDT


Blended families are tricky, and there's no set rulebook for when a stepfamily relationship should or shouldn't or will or won't be the same as a biological one. It depends on the people, their pasts, their stage in life, their compatible personalities, and their willingness to accept new family members. Still, when you've agreed to a marriage with another person, you've agreed to split everything, including finances and the care of your now shared children. It wouldn't really make sense to make a secret arrangement without one child without telling your spouse unless that child had money from another parent or other side of their family, exclusive from your own blended family's situation. 

Generally, the stepmother, and original poster of this topic is in the wrong here, simply for making a commitment to a large ongoing expense without consulting their partner. The very fact that her husband was kept in the dark about her agreement with her daughter puts her squarely in the wrong here. Besides, she's been the other girls stepmother for 12 years, since she was 8 years old and for the majority of her life, that's more than enough time that she should well and truly consider her stepdaugher to be her own and the woman and her husband together should be giving bother the olderst girls the same arrangement. 

Sure, if she wants to go through the same process with the stepdaughter as she did with her own daughter in order to get the cost down and teach the stepdaughter the same lessons about concessions and budgeting, then go right ahead but by keeping her husband and stepdaughter in the dark, she has willfully created the issue here. What she frustratedly refers to as a "whole 'thing'" that she resentfully blames her husband and stepdaughter for is actually entirely her own fault. 

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  • 01

    "AITA: Am I the a**hole for paying my daughter's rent in college, but not my step-daughter's?"

    My husband (44M) and I (40F) have been married 12 years. He has custody of his two girls, I have custody of my two girls, & we have a son together. Our oldest two girls (my daughter (19F) & my step-daughter (20F)) were in the same grade and are finishing their freshman year at college. They attend two different colleges about two hours away from each other.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 02
    Cheezburger Image 10501558016
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 03
    My husband randomly says they are grown and he's not paying for their stuff, however he often acts hard & then softens up when we get to the actual crossroad. At the beginning of this school year, my bio daughter began contacting me (I never once initiated her to do anything. She's an adult and it's her responsibility
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 04
    to take the initiative) about looking for places to live next year after she moves out of her dorm. She originally wanted me to sign a lease for $1100/mo which I told her was crazy. So I started looking at apartments all over the city (via internet) with her and we went back and forth and I came up with a budget that I could afford and where she could live somewhere that was safe, on the bus route to school,
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 05
    was furnished, had individual leases for each roommate, and wasn't overpriced. She found a place living with four other roommates (instead of one roommate like she wanted) & she signed a lease (they ended up allowing her to do that since shes a student). I am not on her lease, but I did agree to pay the rent and she is supposed to pay her utilities, groceries, car insurance,
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 06
    and any other misc expenses. During this process, she was diligent, thorough, and made an effort to communicate frequently. We worked out a plan together over 4-6 months until she finally found a place we both agreed on. Note: I make enough without my husband to pay what I agreed to.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 07
    During this time, my step- daughter never talked to me about her future plans for living arrangements. I assumed she had been talking to her dad and he would discuss it with me later.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 08
    Well, about 2 months ago my husband called me and said his daughter had called asking him to sign her lease & pay the deposit bc she had found an apartment within the budget I had given "them". He called me FURIOUS asking what she was talking about. My mind was absolutely blown. I informed him
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 09
    that I had not spoken to his daughter about her getting an apartment, nor had I given her a budget, which was 100% true. My husband told her that he wasn't signing the lease or paying for her place and that she would have to figure it out. Now its a whole "thing". My husband has no idea I'm paying my daughter's rent, and if I tell him he will demand we pay his daughter's to be "fair".
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 10
    I DIDN'T have an issue paying my step-daughters rent, but now I DO because she has cheaper options, she only has 1 roommate, it's unfurnished, and she doesn't have an individual lease. So, am I the a hole for not wanting to pay my step- daughters rent?
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 11
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ah le: 1. I'm refusing to pay my step-daughters rent. 2. It might make me the ahle because I agreed to pay my biological daughters rent.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 12
    Cheezburger Image 10501558272
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 13
    Practic... NAH...yet. You're allowed to provide expenses for your daughter as you see fit without providing expenses for all of the kids, especially when they can't talk about it upfront. But your stepdaughter hasn't done anything wrong by hearing,
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 14
    presumably from your daughter that there was a budget related to apartment expenses for next year. "I know you don't feel like paying for things now that the kids are grown-up. But I don't parent that way and my daughter discussed with me for the last 4 to 6 months which she was going to do in college and we compromised. She worked hard to ensure she was safe and
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 15
    protected in an apartment lease for next year. I worked hard to make sure the budget was in line with something I could pay for individual individually out of respect for your stance. I didn't realize that (Jane) wasn't having similar conversations with you until you called me. I didn't discuss anything about housing next year with her, but I'm paying for (Sarah's) apartment next year because that aligns with my parenting philosophy,
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 16
    and she worked hard to meet the requirements I set out. She's also still responsible for several expenses 100% on her own. (Jane) is welcome to stick to the same budget as long as you're willing to cover it. Just know that she's going to have additional risk because the apartment is not furnished and she has less roommates and the lease was signed at an apartment level and not an individual one."
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 17
    BlondDee1970 ESH. Your husband has no idea you're paying your daughter's rent? How have you not discussed any of this? It feels like you went behind his back knowing he would not approve. Meanwhile it sounds like your daughter has been communicating your plans to your step-daughter and now your secret alliance has been
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 18
    exposed. Both you and your husband should have had all these discussions before the girls went to school especially with 5 kids to support.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 19
    Mommy-Dearest15 Is this a real question? Yes, YTA for paying for your bio daughter's rent and not extending the same offer to your step daughter, which you say is 20 and you have been married for 12 yrs so you've been this girls mom since she was 8! it's
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 20
    not like you just married and all kids were already adults. You helped raise your step daughter FFS. This behavior is gross. Also your husband is an AH for not wanting to help out his college age daughters.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 21
    ThrowRa_throwaway22 I think people need to stop creating blended families if you aren't willing to show the same love and care to every child you're forcing together. Sure the bio daughter showed initiative but that comes down to personalities. You can't play favorites and then excuse it because a child acts a certain way. The thing about being a
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 22
    parent is teaching all of your children how they can be successful in life. Too many grown adults are making excuses because they themselves have trauma and are still working through it. Big deal! We all have consequences to our actions. But in no way should you revere a child for not doing
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 23
    something you are not trying to help with in the first place. Stop forcing children to deal with your bad habits all in the name of "finding your life partner"
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 24
    He_Who_Is_Person These are all your children and have all been your children for 12 years. YTA for playing favorites, and "big time" doesn't cover it. Lying and hiding things from your spouse in order to continue paying favorites only makes it worse.
    via BlendedFamilyUSA
  • 25
    ike7177 When you're married, all financial matters should be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. I don't understand how you thought it was okay to make such a large decision like that without a discussion and agreement with your partner. And yes, if you aren't willing to give the same exact amount to your stepdaughter, you are totally in the wrong
    via BlendedFamilyUSA

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family dynamics teens family drama stepmother aita AITAH kids teenagers blended family siblings stepchild moms family feud parenting family stepsister reddit thread parent raising kids Parenting Fail parents children stepsibling
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