26-year-old employee faces pushback after refusing HR request to teach coworker in 40s emotional intelligence: 'I don't want to deal alone with his outbursts'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
May 11, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

Not everybody likes to acknowledge it, but being a good team player is something that usually makes most jobs a heck of a lot easier. You can have the most indispensable skillset in the whole of your workplace, but if you are not a reasonable person to work with, it is likely that you will still run into problems at work. Those soft skills are often just as desirable as the more "practical" stuff, especially when you have a lot of coworkers.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of individuals in the working world who seem to have bypassed this particular lesson, and it is their colleagues who suffer for it. It is never pleasant to work with somebody like this, as often it is not just that they are unfriendly, but also that you are expected to pick up their slack. Sometimes, appearing to be personable can act as a punishment.

Add as a preferred
source on Google
Advertisement

  • This is how one woman felt when the HR department of the company that she worked for approached her with an unusual request. Her older, more senior male colleague had recently been singled out as a poor communicator in a company review, and they hoped that she would offer some mentoring to him when it came to emotional intelligence.

    She refused this request on the grounds that she felt it was unfair and that this help should come from somebody with specific training. She got some pushback from her coworkers in response, and she wanted to know if she was in the wrong.

  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10503642368
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 02

    AITAH for not helping my (26F) male coworker (40sM) with “emotional labor” after HR asked me to?

    I work in a mid-sized tech company (I've worked here for 2 years). I'm in a non-managerial role but have a reputation for being organized and socially aware. Recently, one of my coworkers (Jake) was flagged in a company-wide review as having poor team communication and creating a tense environment. He's great technically, but it was noticed that people avoid working with him. After HR did some soft interventions, my manager asked if I could help mentor Jake a little, specifically to "model emoti
    via fomogirlyunite
  • 03
    I said no as I don't think it's fair that because I'm a woman and emotionally competent, I should be expected to guide a grown man who makes a lot more than me, can't read a room and still do my own job. And I don't want to deal alone with his outburts... I said if he needs coaching, it should come from his manager or an actual coach, not me doing unpaid invisible work. Now I'm getting a bit of pushback. One colleague said I could have helped make the team better and that, using his words, "this
    via fomogirlyunite
  • 04
    Cheezburger Image 10503642624
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 05

    People reassured her that she had been right to refuse the request.

    WTH_JFG NTA. This is an inappropriate ask. HR should be handling any ongoing employee interaction. It is inappropriate for them to ask you to do this. You may want to start updating your resume and do some networking for a position outside of this company.
    via WTH_JFG
  • 06
    Otherwise-Shelter 130 Asking you too emotional labor for someone else, especially when it's not even in your role, is totally unfair. It might be a good idea to look at your options outside this company, there are better environments where your time and energy are respected...
    via Otherwise-Shelter130
  • 07
    BeautifulDeparture 19 So they think that this middle aged man who "creates a tense work environment" and has outbursts, will just happily accept being mentored by a younger person? What exactly do they expect you to do? I'm sure he knows his behaviour is not acceptable, he is choosing to be unprofessional. You can't force him to be polite to coworkers, I doubt he would react well to you telling him how to behave.
    via BeautifulDeparture19
  • 08
    VFTM Oh, this is exactly like old-fashioned grade school, where the troublemaker boy would be sat with a nice good girl and she would have to fix him (and deal with his BS!) It was inappropriate and misogynistic back then and it still Is.
    via VFTM
  • 09
    SteamyJohanne This is the kind of sh HR should smack bosses for doing, that they ask YOU to do it is so inappropriate I fail to have proper words for it. >One colleague said I could have helped make the team better and that, using his words, "this is why women never get promoted, we don't know to play the game" Ask the dude that if he thinks he will get promoted for it why he is not volunteering?
    via SteamyJohanne
  • 10
    MaeSilver909 NTA and it's inappropriate for HR and any management team member to expect you to coach a colleague who's in a leadership position. If Jake cannot supervise his team professionally then the company needs to let him go. I would also file a grievance with HR regarding the harassment your coworker is giving you.
    via MaeSilver909
  • 11
    NTA. datapicardgeordi Rule number one is never do work you aren't being paid for. If it isn't in your written job description it isn't your job. As for the ah le who made the comment about why women never get promoted, REPORT HIM TO HR. It was a completely inappropriate statement aimed at your credibility and competence. It has no place in a work environment.
    via datapicardgeordi
  • 12
    Nta OkStrength5245 It is a trap. If he doesn't do better, it will be your fault.
    via OkStrength5245
  • 13
    Smarmy82 NTA, I'm a 42M in tech for reference. First, fork that guy who said "this is why women never get promoted." Why aren't all these other chomping at the bit to coach this emotionally inept person. It's not enough that you are competent at your job, that you should be promoted? I'd report him to HR as well. Also, fork those HR idiots who tried to make it your problem. This is well beyond your job description and if they are so invested in this person, they can send this person to a profess
    via Smarmy82
  • 14
    Away-Understanding34 ??? NTA. Unless your job description specifically says this is part of your job, it's not your responsibility. Are they making other people help him too? It seems like there would be no extra compensation too. The colleagues pushing back on you? Ask them why they aren't jumping in to help for the good of the team. They should be setting up workshops or insisting on him getting therapy. Honestly if you think this is going to affect your future there, start looking for another
    via Away-Understanding34
  • 15
    burndmymouth NTA, something similar came up at my work, and they approached me, I looked my boss in the eye and said, "Sure, but I get an extra $5 an hour to babysit" never asked me again.
    via burndmymouth
  • 16
    maxthecat2720 If the weird vibes continue or escalate, document everything. And if HR ever does follow up, you can calmly explain that you're happy to support team success, but not by taking on informal responsibilities better handled by trained professionals or direct supervisors.
    via maxthecat2720
  • 17
    Kampungmonyet 100% NTA. If they want you to do this kind of work, they promote you and pay you accordingly. They would never have asked a man to do this and tried to massively take advantage of you.
    via Kampungmonyet
  • 18
    Otherwise_Degree_729 NTA. That request is so inappropriate and illegal. Coming from HR makes it so much worse. I honestly would start looking for another job.
    via Otherwise_Degree_729
  • 19
    No_Aardvark_8318 NTA and that's not even playing the game to get a promotion, it would work against you as its not even a valued skill, hence why this dude is earning more money and 0 social skills. Ask the colleague to take it on board as part of his game playing. This also should be done by someone qualified with the strategy on how tocoach someone like this, it just doesnt rub off because of your good vibes.
    via No_Aardvark_8318
  • 20
    blueberryseli NTA. that guy should get coached by HR or get therapy. why would they even think to ask a coworker to deal with his issues?? honestly i would look for another job. seems way too unprofessional
    via blueberryseli
  • 21
    Altruistic-Tea7709 Nta and well done for saying no too. He clearly needs an appropriate intervention and they should be promoting people who can do the job as a manager and technically.
    via Altruistic-Tea7709
  • 22
    AdviceMoist6152 "As HR and training duties are not currently in my job description, will my compensation be increased with this expanded new role? Can I get a management title and salary bump if I am doing management and staff development tasks?"
    via AdviceMoist6152
  • 23
    Lollipop279 NTA, there are courses for that sh, HR should not be asking you to deal with that.
    via Lollipop279
  • 24
    NTA MadHatterine Not necessarily because of the unpaid emotional labor part - in pretty much all of my jobs you helped other people out with things and the team got better. He could also help you with stuff. But you don't want to deal with his "outbursts" alone. That is a very valid thing. He is creating a tense environment. That is not an environment you put a lone woman in. (Or a lone man.) They do need a superior or an official coach for that. Because he will not listen to you. He will put st
    via MadHatterine

Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.

Tags

emotional support employee coworkers emotions aita hr work working teamwork feminism workplace reddit thread Reddit
Scroll Down For The Next Article