30-year-old husband leaves 29-year-old wife stranded at the hospital after surgery, goes on a hike with his mom instead: “She was here for support, not vacation”

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
May 13, 2025 3:00 PM EDT

Recovering from surgery is no simple feat. Even minor surgeries can leave you with pain and discomfort that you are not particularly used to. Everyone is different in their needs when they are experiencing new and uncomfortable sensations and need varying levels of support. Some people prefer to be left alone when they are recovering, but others need more active assistance from their loved ones in order to make the process easier.

In our story today, our protagonist's mother-in-law comes to visit with the intention of helping her recover after a minor surgery. However, when the time to discharge from the hospital arrives, neither her mother-in-law nor her husband are anywhere to be seen; they both seem to be totally unreachable. Left abandoned post-surgery, her sister offers her a ride home, where she finds her home in a total mess – a far cry from the help she was promised. Scroll down to get the full story. 

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  • 01

    AITA for refusing to recover at home after surgery?

    Cheezburger Image 10504628224
    via Monkey Business Images
  • 02
    I (29F) am really disappointed with my husband (30M) and furious at his mother (hag-aged F). Sorry this is so long. And throwaway for privacy.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 03
    For context, my husband is from the West Coast, where his mother still lives. He moved to the East Coast for college and that's were we met (after graduation). In the start of our relationship, she
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 04
    would visit 3-4 times a year and make him take PTO so he could entertain her throughout her visit. After 2 years of this (while we were still dating) I asked him how we are ever meant to go on a vacation together, if his PTO is spent at home with his visiting mother?
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 05
    We agreed to save PTO for a trip to Europe we took in 2023 and he agreed to tell his mother he couldn't take off from work every time she visited.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 06
    13 7 8 OFF! 15 ᎠᎪᎩ 21
    via pixelshot
  • 07
    In my last job, I was able to work from home 4 days a week and every time she visited, she sulked all day like a puppy who's had her toys taken away. But once my husband came home, a switch flicked and she was happy (and clingy) again.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 08
    So here's the issue now: Husband and I moved states about 6 months ago, closer to my family. I have a new doctor who recommended me for a surgery that my old doc kept putting off. It's not a complicated procedure and it will greatly increase my quality of life for decades.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 09
    My mother-in-law decided she's due for a visit and wants to explore our new town and she'd come "to help around the house while [OP] recovers." I'm going to be out of surgery and in pain and I really
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 10
    don't want to put up with her energy. However, we agreed, with my husband saying this isn't a sightseeing visit, she's here to help out (cook, clean, laundry, etc) so I can rest and recover. She can come for a proper visit later in the year.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 11
    My husband dropped me off at the hospital on Wednesday. It was meant to be surgery, then one night overnight at the hospital for observations. On Thursday, the doctor told me my labs were not where
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 12
    he'd like them to be and I should stay another night for observation and new lab work in the morning. I called my husband and told him that I'd hopefully be home the next day over the phone early afternoon. He did not visit on Thursday at all.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 13
    On Friday I was discharged and called my husband to tell him that I'd be ready in about an hour. It went straight to voicemail and I figured he's probably in a meeting and I'll try again in a little bit. After calling a few times over the course of over an hour, I called my
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 14
    sister, who was lucky enough to be excused from work for the afternoon (many thanks to her understanding boss). She drove 90 minutes to get me and took me home and the house was in
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 15
    shambles. Laundry baskets on the dining room table, the litter box not cleaned since Wednesday morning, days of dirty plates in the sink, etc. I just broke down crying. She packed me a bag and took me to her apartment to recover for two weeks.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 16
    Cheezburger Image 10504627200
    via brebca
  • 17
    On Friday night my husband called me asking me where I am and that the hospital said I was already discharged. He had been on a hike with his mother and there was no cell phone service so he missed my
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 18
    calls, which also meant he took PTO for his mom's visit again. Obviously, I can't ban him from taking PTO, but wouldn't you rather spend that freed up time with your wife at the hospital instead of on a date with your mom?
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 19
    I told him that I no longer feel comfortable recovering in our house and I won't be returning until it's thoroughly cleaned and his mother is gone. He's calling me the AH because his mother just wanted to get to know our new area and I was wasn't able to
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 20
    leave the hospital, anyway, and that I was making a big deal out of this. I yelled that he essentially abandoned me at the hospital and entertained someone whose being here was to help make recovery easier, not more stressful, and that she was here for support, not on a vacation.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 21
    Maybe it's just the pain and pain meds, but am I in the wrong here? Is this a stupid hill to di on? There's a part of me telling me to see a divorce lawyer just to see what my options are because I'm not sure this will ever change. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I want kids but I now
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 22
    don't see myself having any with my husband in the foreseeable future. And if this isn't going to work out, I don't want to spend the next 5 years of wasting time and money on therapy and missing a chance to find someone I actually can start a family with, someone who can be a committed father and husband before he's a son.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255

  • Usually, a man with a close relationship to his mother is very much a green flag. However, our protagonist's husband is consistently prioritizing his mother over his own wife – a very big red flag. 

  • 23
    Cheezburger Image 10504627712
    via Kampus Production from Pexels
  • 24
    Working-Dependent33 NTA mommy's boy could even be bothered to visit you in the hospital? This is DEFINITELY the hill to di on. Cut your losses and leave him to his mommy.
    via u/Working-Dependent33
  • 25
    DragonCelt25 Exactly! Didn't visit and then went out of contact when there had already been a complication. What was his plan of those labs that needed to be watched had turned to needing to contact next of kin?
    via u/DragonCelt25
  • 26
    Puzzleheaded Tooth255 OP He kept saying it was a simple procedure and there wouldn't be any emergencies. It was a simple, but invasive surgery. It's not like I had a mole removed.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255
  • 27
    Heavymetal73 Could you imagine if this was flipped? I'm a man and we can be baby's at times. This guy would be losing his mind if OP wasn't caring for his a the whole time he was in recovery.
    via u/Heavymetal73
  • 28
    Op this guy is an idiot. To leaving you by yourself the whole day before discharge and then not have himself available when you are discharged is irresponsible and selfish. NTA. obviously "there for in sickness"did not register for op's hubby.
    via u/Heavymetal73
  • 29
    Sufficient-Lie1406 You're right... the not visiting in the hospital, the not picking you up, and THEN the house being a disaster area... this is divorce-worthy. I'm so sorry OP. Your husband is an a . NTA obvs
    via u/Sufficient-Lie1406
  • 30
    MsBaseball34 Your husband DROPPED YOU OFF?? NTA. My mother had 95 surgeries in her lifetime - my dad was at the hospital for all 95. Stay at your sister's house and have her get your stuff. This is the mountain to di on.
    via u/MsBaseball34
  • 31
    AuntieKC Throw the whole man away. Seriously. My ex husband STAYED with me when I had surgery. He offered to be my ride and ended up staying in case I needed anything. Brought his laptop and worked from the waiting room.
    via u/AuntieKC
  • 32
    Fluffbrained-cat Exactly!!! I've been unfortunate enough to have had several stays in hospital as an adult. Where was my husband? At my bedside every possible minute unless he had to work.
    via u/Fluffbrained-cat
  • 33
    ceredwin Possible disagree here-- I've had a couple of surgeries, and I prefer to just be dropped off. I don't see any reason for my husband to just sit around when there's nothing he can possibly do to influence the outcome. BUT, that is my preference, and OP's preference might be different.
    via u/ceredwin

  • Sure, everyone has different preferences and expectations from their loved ones after a stay at a hospital, but our protagonist communicated her needs very clearly. 

  • 34
    However, I do want/expect my husband to visit if I'm going to be in the hospital overnight, and from OP's tone it seems like she does too, so that's a red flag. The point is: it's not staying or visiting or picking up... it's knowing what your partner wants and doing that.
    via u/ceredwin
  • 35
    OP didn't seem super-upset about the dropping off part, just the visiting and picking up part. I will say that going somewhere without cell service on a day you know your partner will likely need you is a d*ck move no matter WHAT the circumstances.
    via u/ceredwin
  • 36
    Puzzleheaded Tooth 255 OP Possible disagree here-- I've had a couple of surgeries, and I prefer to just be dropped off. To be fair, that's me, too. I didn't want him to take PTO for the whole day, but I did expect him to visit me after work at least to check in.
    via u/PuzzleheadedTooth255

Tags

family drama marriage AITAH toxic mother wife married life relationships parenting husband couples mother in law family red flag surgery relationship drama
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