Mom flips out when ex-husband asks her to identify 16-year-old son's best friend at his birthday party: 'It was another year of painful reminders that she is so hands-off'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
May 28, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

When both parents are present in a child's life, it is inevitable that they end up taking on different roles within it. For example, it is very common for somebody to be more lax and the other disciplinarian, or to share different hobbies or types of quality time. 

These differences often become even more pronounced when a couple has separated, with some kids leading completely opposite lives when they are with their mom versus when they are with their dad. Sometimes, what caused a rift between the parents in the first place continues with shared custody.

So long as a child feels cared for by both parents, it shouldn't be an issue when parenting styles are different. However, problems can arise when this isn't the case. It is all too common for one parent to be far more involved in the lives of their children than the other, causing issues. 

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  • 01

    AITAH for giving my ex wife a quiz on our child?

    My ex wife, "Melissa" (37F), and I had our son, "Matthew" (16M), really young. I was only 18 at the time - now 34. The few years following his arrival were a whirlwind. I was in college, tackling as much as I realistically could each semester (summers included) so that I could start my career as quickly as possible. Melissa and I divorced pretty much immediately after I secured a steady position for myself post-university. Throughout it all, my little village was there for me. There were a few p
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  • 02
    elless
    via Jasper Bennett

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is how one dad felt when he interrogated his teenage son's mom at his 16th birthday party. The couple had divorced young after he graduated from college, and he had gone on to marry his best friend instead. 

    Ever since the pair had shared custody of their son, the dad had had an increasing feeling that the mom was uninvolved in their son's life. 

    Things came to a head when she didn't recognize his best friend at the party, and he began to ask her more questions about their child. She got angry at being quizzed about him, and the dad wanted to know if he had gone too far.

  • 03
    Mine and Melissa's lives look very different from one another's these days. It really doesn't sit well with me, how uninvolved she is. We have a week by week custody agreement, but it doesn't seem like Matthew is allowed to have much of a life at her house. His birthday was last Saturday. I'm always in charge of throwing the parties and I enjoy that. But it was just yet another year of watching the painful reminders that she is so hands-off. At one point, I asked her to hand something to Matthew
    via Cool-Instruction-833
  • 04
    Later that night, I pulled her aside and was just talking about how sad it was. I asked her a few questions, like what video game is he interested in right now. What's his shoe size. Who are his close friends. Just basic questions a parent should know about their kid, and she struggled to answer any of them. She left pretty soon after, claiming I had no right to "give her a quiz on her own child." AITAH?
    via Cool-Instruction-833
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    via engin_akyurt

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 06

    People had mixed opinions on the issue.

    ERVetSurgeon NTA. You are absolutely right, she should know all that and more about her own child. Why not go for full custody? It would signficantly improve Matthew's life.
    via ERVetSurgeon
  • 07
    Cool-Instruction-833 OP Trust me, if I had it my way, he would be with us full time. It's an ongoing discussion we have, and he says he doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings and leave her alone. This situation has been an exercise in empathy and patience for me. I understand where my son is coming from. When he isn't here, his little brother and my husband still are. When he's not with his mom, she's by herself. I'm trying to find the balance of allowing him to make his own decisions vs knowin
    via Cool-Instruction-833
  • 08
    Witch-of-the-sea Crazy question, have you offered to be "the bad guy"? "Buddy, I love you, and watching you come home from her place so upset is hurting everyone who loves you. If you want, I'm more than happy to be the reason we move forward with changing the custody arrangement. Either you can have some weekends over there, or whatever you want, but I'm more than happy to take the blame if you need." He might need to hear that you are willing to take his mom's ire instead of him, and that he c
    via Witch-of-the-sea
  • 09
    angelicak92 I remember quizzing my parents on who my friends were, my favorite colour and favorite band when I was his age, they couldn't answer a single thing. Kids know who's interested in their lives and where they're safe. His mum is in for a ride awakening when your kid is 30, has his own children, and she's alone for the holidays. Nta
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    coolexecs NTA. I'm glad that you, Matthew and Vincent all have each other. It sounds like you have a beautiful family. And soon, Mathew will be able to make all his own choices about who he spends his time with.
    via coolexecs
  • 11
    el_grande_ricardo NTA. Ask Matthew if he wants the custody arrangement changed. Maybe he could do one weekend a month with Mom.
    via el_grande_ricardo
  • 12
    Substantial-Seaweed6 Playing devil's advocate here. Just because she doesn't know those things doesn't necessarily mean she is a bad mom. It could mean they just do different things together. Instead of asking her things you know he does at your home the better question should be what do you guys do together/talk about? My kids father grills and is outdoorsy with our kids and I'm the one aware of my kids friends/parents and video games interest and school life in general. I don't think my ex is
    via Substantial-Seaweed6
  • 13
    Netherite Tiara I agree. Also, I have a parent who I see all the time who definitely does not know my shoe size. I just usually shoe shopped with different relatives and that parent was raised to be more concerned about the price than if they fit, so they hardly even knew their own shoe size. We would need more info in this situation to truly know.
    via NetheriteTiara
  • 14
    Silvermorney Ask him how things are at his moms and what their relationship is like. Just casually feel things out not like you're trying to imply that anything is wrong with their relationship. Thighs could just be different not necessarily bad. UpdateMe!
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  • 15
    CryptographerLost760 At 16 years old, I'm certain a judge would allow your son to live with the parent of his choosing. Does YOUR SON actually have any issues with his mother being less involved in his life?
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  • 16
    Osinuous So wait, you had a baby basically in or right out of high school with this woman. She did most everything for the baby/toddler as you were going through school, at some point you realized you were not into women and married your friend. Then you had her over to your place for your son's party and started grilling her trying to make her feel like cr p, when she probably already does when she's around you because of your history? In your eyes she may not be the best mother, but in this si
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  • 17
    LoloCold Medina Have you spoken with Matthew about his mom and how he is feeling over there? How is it impacting him, what are his thoughts on it? There was a point and time when my oldest (I think she had just turned 17) decided she wasn't going to her dad's anymore. It was a place she was punished and ignored and she felt she had no quality of life at her dad's home. I understood and gave her a safe place to stay. I was the horrible enabling mother who was spiteful and relished the pain this c
    via LoloColdMedina
  • 18
    Kayleigh_56 You have a week by week custody arrangement, so why do you feel he "doesn't have much of a life in her house"? He's there 50% of the time. You make no mention of his feelings or worries, which leads me to believe this is a chip on your shoulder for whatever reason. YTA for putting her on the spot at a birthday party to ask these questions. I don't think your intentions were good.
    via Kayleigh_56
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    Astyryx Lol my ex couldn't pass that test with any of our kids for most of our marriage and he lived in the same house as all of us. Ergo, why he's an ex. But look. Maybe let that dong relationship just di, and focus on creating a great current family?
    via Astyryx
  • 20
    BLoseit This feels like a reading comprehension quiz. So, you got your ex pregnant young. You mention you were in college, but was she as well when she became pregnant? Did her pregnancy result in her having to leave college? You then went full tilt at graduating, which, admittedly is a good thing. Was she stuck withe the brunt of child care? Could she work during this time, or was she relying on 'your village'? What was her support system looking like in this time? Then, once you had job securi
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  • 21
    Evil RubberDucks YTA, because she is right, you had no right to quiz her on her child at their birthday party. You took what was supposed to be a happy celebration and turned it into a chance to be vindictive, and for what reason? To feel like you are the better parent? Were you intentionally trying to make her upset so she'd leave? Could you really not have picked a better time and place for that kind of conversation, or were you just trying to stir up drama? Your entire story is very one-sided
    via EvilRubberDucks
  • 22
    I could maybe fault her for not knowing his friend, but again, with the lack of information given, it's hard to make a judgment. Maybe she knows he is a friend but not his name. Does this friend live closer to your home? What's the schedule like at his moms? Maybe she doesn't allow friends over on school nights (a rule I had to follow as a teenager), so she's not as familiar. That doesn't mean she's a bad mom or completely uninvolved, though. At 16, he's old enough to decide how much time he wan
    via EvilRubberDucks
  • 23
    Nervous_Resident6190 Okay, I get that you are p ed off. But you really don't need to quiz your ex wife. She already was married to a closeted gay man. I think she is done with quizzes. I mean seriously, I am a widowed mom to a 12 year old boy. Go ahead and ask me what size of shoes he wears. All I can tell you is that we go to the shoe store and start with size 11 men's and go from there. Last week his best friend was buddy x, this week his best friend is buddy y. I get dizzy just thinking about
    via Nervous_Resident6190
  • 24
    Hey-Just-Saying Soft YTA just because you're asking the wrong questions and just trying to play "Gotcha!" without having a plan to then do something about it. At 16, my kids had their own car and were picking out and buying their own clothes, including their shoes. They did not want my opinion, which is pretty normal for a teen, therefore I didn't know their sizes. So what? Knowing your teenage kid's shoe size doesn't make you a good parent. Neither is knowing their favourite video game which co
    via Hey-Just-Saying
  • 25
    Taymoney_duh Honestly it was r de of you to quiz her knowing she wouldn't know the answer. She showed up so there's that. I think quizzing her is going to push her farther away from him.
    via Taymoney_duh

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aita best friends birthday teenagers ex dad family reddit thread Reddit mom son
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