Dad forces 21, 23, and 27-year-old children to call his wife "bonus mom," refuses to let them call her anything else even though it makes them uncomfortable: 'Our dad says it “makes her happy” and to just do it.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jun 8, 2025 8:00 PM EDT

There's always a lot of discussion about the nickname a grandchild will call their grandparent. It seems like there are very few families where "grandma" and "grandpa" will suffice. You're either Pee Paw, Gigi, Mee Maw, Gammy, Gran Gran, or who knows what. I think many of these nicknames arise because grandparents don't want to feel old, so they think being called "Gigi" will conceal the fact that they are, in fact, a grandparent. 

As much planning as goes into these names, it's often the grandchildren who come up with them. My grandma was supposed to be "Grammy," but I couldn't pronounce my Rs, so we went with "Gammy." The name should be something the kids like, rather than what the grandparents insist upon. This same logic can be applied to the names/titles step-children call their stepparents. The comfort and opinions of the kids matter more than the adults' feelings. 

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  • The step-mom in this story is insistent that her adult stepchildren call her their “bonus mom.” The eldest son thinks it sounds sophomoric and weird, and his two younger sisters aren't big fans of it either. Their dad, however, desperately wants them to humor her and doesn't care how his kids feel. 

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    via Nikolas Noonan

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITAH for not wanting to call my stepmom my “Bonus-Mom?”

    27M, I am the oldest of 3 kids. My two sisters are 21F and 23F. Our parents got divorced in 2010, and my dad remarried in 2017. We like our stepmom overall. She's nice and caring. In 2019 when one of my sisters graduated high school, my step mom went to her graduation and introduced herself as our "Bonus Mom."
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    via Steven Abraham

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Ever since then, my sisters and I have NOT liked the name. And it's nothing against her, we just don't have a bonus mom. We have a mother, a father, and two step- parents. Which is fine! However, our dad insists that she be called "Bonus Mom."
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    Every time I bring it up, our dad says it "makes her happy" and to just do it. However, I've been in therapy recently and one of the things I've learned is to set boundaries. This is clearly something I am uncomfortable with (as well as my sisters). I've
    via u/StarWarsTrey
  • 06
    explained it to him a few times now and he just gives the same answer. I'd understand more if my sister and I were children maybe, but we are grown adults. So, am I the a hole for refusing to call my stepmom my "Bonus Mom?"
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    via INSTAGRAM - TECHERGY

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    PA_Archer “It makes her happy, so just do it?" "How about it makes us Unhappy, so STOP doing it? Perhaps value your own children over your bonus wife?”
    via u/PA_Archer
  • 09
    KellyM14 NTA your dad and stepmom should've let you and your siblings decide what you felt comfortable calling her. You're dads being ridiculously absurd
    via u/KellyM14
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    Helpful-Layer3865 Agreed. Maybe it's time to skip over Dad and talk to step mom directly. OP Consider it a practice in boundaries - it's best to talk to the person directly anyway.
    via u/Helpful-Layer3865
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    Few Throat4510 NTA Tell your dad that it makes you happy not to have her referred to as Bonus Mom. Explain to him that this is boundary you have and boundaries are not rules or limitations you place on others, but rather it is a safeguard for you.
    via u/Few_Throat4510
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    If he still refuses to understand, let him know that you now see that his wife's happiness is more important than your comfort. Sometimes people have a hard time when the truth is stated clearly.
    via u/Few_Throat4510
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    jersey8894 NTA...My 2 daughters I gained my marriage refer to me as their bonus mom but that was all them. I simply asked them to call me by my first name. Your not comfy so you absolutely are not wrong to not call her that!
    via u/jersey8894
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    StarWarsTrey OP If that's the name they want to call you, that's beautiful! But like you said: it came from THEM. Parents should make their kids feel like their wants and needs matter. Our dad clearly priorities his wife's feelings unfortunately
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    jersey8894 Sounds like it and I'm so sorry for that! That is not right as a parent to children growing up and even more when our children become adults!
    via u/jersey8894
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    boundaries4546 Tell your dad for the last time you don't like the term "bonus mom". And ask him why he's putting her feelings above yours, and why stepmom wants you to use a name that she's guilt tripped you into using.
    via u/boundaries4546
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    butterfly-garden They want a 27 year old to call his father's wife a bonus mom?
    via u/butterfly-garden
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    StarWarsTrey OP Yep lol
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    vonblankenstein Stay the course. It's up to you to decide what to call her. My mom remarried when I was in my mid- 30s and was miffed I never sent her husband a Father's Day card. Why would I? He's not my dad. I never even referred to him as "stepdad," simply "my mother's husband."
    via u/vonblankenstein
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    Kdiesiel311 Call her by her first name. Watch her tune change real fast
    via u/Kdiesiel311
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    Altruistic-Alps9827 It's a cute term when the kids are little and all the parents coordinate to do things like marking sure everyone gets to practice on time. However, you and your sisters are not small children so you have the right - perhaps even the moral imperative - to set boundaries.
    via u/Altruistic-Alps9827
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    StarWarsTrey OP Agreed. She was a teacher and taught 2nd grade. I told my dad this and said "it is different when a7 year old says it vs a 27 year old" and he seemed to understand. But the issue persists
    via u/StarWarsTrey
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    Accurate_Diamond 1093 Well even the 7 year old has the right to not call her Bonus Mom.
    via u/Accurate_Diamond1093
  • 24
    MrsBains NTA. She is not your mother and you are not required to call her anything at all.
    via u/MrsBains
  • 25
    Ok_Conversation9750 NTA and frankly I'd be pred at being treated like a child. Ask him how he'd feel about being called "consolation prize dad."
    via u/Ok_Conversation9750

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family drama stepmother step parent kids stepmom wife bonus mom husband dad family adults mom adult children name children entitled people Father
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