“Plane go up, I give cookie, plane go down”: 20+ Professionals describe their job as poorly as possible

In a world drowning in "synergistic solutions" and "customer-centric growth hacking," something magical happens when people describe their jobs with brutal honesty instead of LinkedIn poetry. Take the flight attendant who summed up their career as "plane go up, I give cookie, plane go down." Suddenly, we all understand exactly what they do.

We've created a beautiful ecosystem where Growth Marketing Managers market growth while growing marketing. These aren't job descriptions; they're linguistic riddles wrapped in corporate speak and delivered with the confidence of someone who definitely knows what they're doing. And what they're doing is mastering Manipulative vagueness.

Just now, I scrolled LinkedIn for TWO minutes and came across a guy "Driving Innovation & Strategy in Defense Industry & Enterprise Sectors | Mentor | Empowering 22K+ Followers | Make an IMPACT, " someone who's an expert on Helping Companies Coordinate People and Spaces in hybrid working environments, and a post from someone who's excited to announce that he's starting a new chapter as a Culture Manager.

You tell me if you understand anything you just read.

This refreshing honesty cuts through the professional fog like a machete through corporate buzzwords. While "Digital Transformation Specialists" and "Revenue Operations Analysts" leave us scratching our heads, a teacher saying "I babysit 30 humans while occasionally telling them stuff" immediately makes sense. Or a surgeon's "I fix people's insides" is infinitely clearer than any "Healthcare Solutions Architect" job posting.

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  • The beautiful irony is that the worse the description, the better we understand the job. “I stare at spreadsheets until numbers make sense” tells us more about accounting than a thousand-word LinkedIn bio about “leveraging data-driven insights to optimize fiscal performance.” “I make sad computers happy again” is more informative than “IT Solutions Specialist.”

    These hilariously honest job descriptions prove a profound point: real work is simple enough to explain badly. If you need a thesaurus and a business degree to understand what someone does, they’re probably in marketing or consultancy - jobs that exist primarily to justify their own existence.

    Here’s our collection of people who dared to describe their jobs as poorly as possible, proving that authenticity beats corporate theater every single time:

  • 01
    > MJ Plane go up, I give cookie, plane go down
    via MJ
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  • 02
    Phantom I have, I sell, I say shh no tell cops
    via Phantom
  • 03
    Lennox Person comes, screams at me, I give burger.
    via Lennox
  • 04
    The Lulu W You break law, you pay me,I say you didn't.
    via Lulu
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  • 05
    Himmie person sick, person sickn't
    via Himmie
  • 06
    ralinhodapia I jobnt
    via ralinhodapia
  • 07
    B. Booking.com Me show bed you book bed
    via Booking.com
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  • 08
    Wendy Person cry, I say why, person cry more
    via Wendy
  • 09
    LyssXO I gatekeep drowning
    via LyssXO
  • 10
    willgraham'sdaughter Kids don't know. I tell them. Kids know now.
    via willgraham'sdaughter
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  • 11
    FE OVIDE FEEDBACK NCH
    via ThisisEngineering

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 12
    Francisco Salinas System has a bug, I write code, now, system has several bugs
    via Francisco Salinas
  • 13
    Connor Hair long, hair not long now
    via Connor
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  • 14
    Cheezburger Image 10536941568
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 15
    Anahí ✩ people married, people pay, people marriedn't
    via Anah
  • 16
    nk95001 Have you tried turning it off and on again
    via nk95001
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  • 17
    k.mohi No power, I come, power fixed. U happy, I go. Bill come, u not happy
    via k.mohi
  • 18
    theO email come, click click, email go
    via theO
  • 19
    Cheezburger Image 10536935168
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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  • 20
    tugsbugs tooth go ow, other dude take it out. Me stand and look pretty
    via tugsbugs
  • 21

    I'm bored. Describe your job as poorly as possible

    "Tooth go ow, other dude take it out. Me stand and look pretty"
    via Vlada Karpovich

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 22
    Iwona Saganek I touch teeth at 8am
    via Iwona Saganek
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  • 23
    J⭑si You drop off kid, I say ABC & 123, kid go home.
    via J⭑si
  • 24
    Jay Meyer Car no move, I touch car, car start moving
    via Jay Meyer
  • 25
    lily people no understand, i translate, people understand
    via lily
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  • 26
    mackinnonmode I give earth a haircut
    via mackinnonmode
  • 27
    Kozhin Ppl hate another ppl, ppl pay me, ppl gone
    via Kozhin

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