Dad demands 23-year-old daughter pay for restaurant meal of 20 family members, gets upset when she refuses: 'He called me selfish'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Aug 21, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

Something that a frightening number of parents seem to disregard when it comes to their kids is that they, too, are people and not just an extension of their closest relatives to be used for their wants and needs. Everybody has a right to their independence, and this only becomes even more important as children grow into adults. Whether their family lets them do that is another matter entirely.

While it isn't always a bad thing for adult children to spend their hard-earned money on their parents now and then, there are a lot of moms and dads out there who seem to believe that it is the duty of their kids to hand over their paycheck once they start working. Understandably, many of them have a problem with this, and it puts a lot of strain on the relationship between parent and child. Using a kid as a free ATM is going to have some consequences sooner or later.

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  • woman in grey shirt sitting with hands behind her head
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • One young woman was at her wits' end after her father berated her and her twin for refusing to pay for a restaurant meal for 20 relatives. Ever since the pair had begun working, he and their mom had shown an entitlement to their salary, expecting them to pay for expensive gifts and controlling how much they spent.

    On top of this, she felt it was unfair to ask this of her and her sister as her father had longstanding issues with the family members in question. She shared her frustrations.

  • 'My dad is forcing me to treat 20 of our relatives'

    So basically, my dad is forcing me and my twin(23F) to give a treat to about 20 of our relatives at a restaurant. His reasoning? "It's to spread joy."
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • For context: it's been almost a year since I started working. During this time, he's dictated where I should invest my money, what I should spend on, and even insisted we buy gifts for grandparents (which we did). Me and my twin even got my dad an iPhone and bought my mom gold jewelry. Meanwhile, we've barely spent on ourselves — my one "big" purchase was just a pair of shoes. -
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • Now there's this family gathering (mom's side of relatives) where my dad suddenly wants me to treat 20 people. These are the same - relatives he has beef with — he has this cycle where he goes overboard being generous, then gets mad when they don't return the same energy, and my mom ends up caught in the middle. He creates a really tense situation, he then gets mad at my mom's side really bad and will try to impose no contact with them to my mom and keep sing on my mom's parents and her siblings
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • multiple plates of food on a dark wood table
    via Michael Joseph
  • be to just stay civil and not overdo it, but instead, he drags me into this pattern too. I refused and said it's too much for me, especially since I just started working. His response? He called me selfish, said I'm not generous like him, and claimed I only care about "petty things." He's always labeled me as selfish, so it's like he was waiting for another excuse to bring that up.
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • And this isn't new. When I got my very first salary (internship money), he wanted me to transfer everything to my mom so they could "manage it better." Basically, I wasn't even given a chance to handle my own finances because they assumed I'd ruin it. The plan was: anytime I wanted to spend, I'd have to ask them for permission and i refused it and his response, 'oh why are you so obsessed with money, we won't run away with your money'.
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • They didn't necessarily want to use the money, just control it. It's not like they are dependant on my money, we are well off only. And now it's the same story with this treat - if I don't do it, I'll face his passive-aggressive taunts, "jokes," and guilt trips until it builds into a full- blown attack.
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • It's exhausting. Instead of letting me learn financial independence, my dad keeps forcing me into this endless cycle of spending to please others (often people he doesn't even like). And when I resist, I'm branded the selfish, ungrateful kid. This doesn't stop here, my dad tries to control other areas of life too
    via Bitter_Elk9285
  • two hands pulling a red jar with money in it off a high shelf
    via Vitalii Khodzinskyi (Unsplash+)

  • Commenters advised her on how to proceed.

    insomniaczombiex You're an adult. Open an account at a different bank. Not just a branch, an entirely different company. Have your paycheck deposited there. You need to take the power back, and this is a good start.
    via insomniaczombiex
  • GingaNinja01 Def open your own bank account if possible. The point of being generous is that it needs to be a choice made by the person showing it, TO show it. Otherwise it isn't generosity, its extortion via guilt.
    via GingaNinja01
  • Cat1832 Lean into it. Say yes, I am selfish, and that's why I'm not giving you anything more. Nope! Goodbye!
    via Cat1832
  • patti2mj I notice dad is "generous" with other people's money.
    via patti2mj
  • Dogzillas_Mom Why is HE so obsessed with money? Y'all are grown adults. IF you are in the US, I'd suggest taking control of your own lives, don't even attend the dinner, and pool your resources to move out. If you are not in the US, then I'm sure any advice I have would miss the mark because I'm unaware of cultural complications.
    via Dogzillas_Mom
  • content_great_gramma At 23 you are an adult; you do not have to give control of your income to anyone. Open an account in a different bank and have your check set up as direct deposit. Your father seems to enjoy putting you down. It is NOT selfish to spend your money on things you want or need. HE is the selfish one; does he even give you credit when you are forced to spend YOUR money on HIS treat?
    via content_great_gramma
  • Start an escape plan and leave as soon as you can.
    via content_great_gramma
  • Icy-Reputation180 You need to tell dad to manage his own business, not yours. I know it'll be tough since he has no boundaries & it's been going on for years. Put your foot down and don't give in. You're an adult, start letting them know that their control is not wanted or needed. Go NC if need be.
    via Icy-Reputation180
  • bluekayak18 You're an adult and you work for your money. It's your money. It's not daddy's money. Let him complain
    via bluekayak18
  • Lisa_Knows Best I'm sure there's a lot of cultural nuance here but you know you don't have to live with your parents anymore. Times are changing and the old fashioned expectations are being done away with. Consider moving out, your sister would probably go with you. In the meantime make sure you put your money into an account he has no access to. He wants to treat "family" then HE can treat family.
    via Lisa_Knows_Best
  • Worried_Suit4820 This is no way to live OP. If you live with your parents it's time to move on.
    via Worried_Suit4820
  • Tiara-di-Capi Grow up. He wants control, you don't want to give it to him. Then don't. Be strong. If he wants to be generous, let him use his own funds for "spreading joy".
    via Tiara-di-Capi
  • Expect him to make passive-aggressive jokes about you & your money to the family. Be prepared to stare him down. Tell your family you need every dime because you're saving to buy your own house. Or simply shrug your shoulders and change the topic. Do not engage in conversation with him about the matter.
    via Tiara-di-Capi
  • And, if you can, be of assistance to your mom, try to shield her because when he realizes he cannot control you (and your twin) he might go take his frustration out on her.
    via Tiara-di-Capi

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family drama dad family daughter money relatives entitled parents job dinner reddit thread Reddit entitled people
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