‘She was always a selfish and neglectful parent’: Retired 63-year-old mom expects her 30-year-old daughter to become her full-time caretaker in old age, but daughter refuses

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Oct 26, 2025 2:00 PM EDT

A neglectful parent eventually reaps what they sow once they're the person who needs support. They cannot fathom the concept of their neglect affecting their children, even if their children directly explain how their lack of parental support has negatively impacted them. The story below is a prime example of why parents should always support, respect, and be there for their children, not only because they are supposed to, but also because they might need that same energy somewhere down the line.

When this young retiree-turned irresponsible elder mother starts thinking about getting hip surgery, she tells her 30-year-old daughter that she should gear up for being her caretaker moving forward. The daughter highlights the fact that her mother is irresponsible in nature and never really had a grasp on how to be a parent or support herself, either. At what point do we hold our elders accountable for their wrongdoings and misgivings? In this story's case, a parent refusing to parent seems as good a reason as any for a child's refusal to take care of them…

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  • Cheezburger Image 10567121664
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • "AITA - My Mom (63F) expects me (30F) to care for her in her old age, AITA if I tell her to figure it out herself?"

    I apologize if this is all over the place, I'm on mobile and all over the place myself.
    via swimsmoke
  • Tldr; parent who was shitty and neglectful needs care in her old age & I feel guilty that I don't want to/can't give that to her.
    via swimsmoke
  • How do I address that with her? AITA if I let her figure it out on her own?
    via swimsmoke
  • My Mom is currently looking into hip surgery, and trying to figure out how life looks for her going forward & expects me to "help".
    via swimsmoke
  • Cheezburger Image 10567121920
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • We will be talking later today so I'd like to be prepared to tell her no, and not sure if I should be upfront with my perspective on this ask and our relationship, or if I'm being shortsighted and should suck it up since she's my mom.
    via swimsmoke
  • She's 63 & retired 15 years ago, pursuing instead a soap & reselling business that has kept her afloat since then, as she never saved for retirement.
    via swimsmoke
  • She lives in a small studio & has a car but not much else to her name.
    via swimsmoke
  • She collects social security & all other income goes unreported. Since she "works for herself", she is free to come and go and do as she pleases with the money she does - make over the past 10 years she has traveled to I think 4 different countries, she's regularly buying random herbal supplements & generally lives "in the moment." I see all of this as being extremely irresponsible, something she has been honestly my whole life.
    via swimsmoke
  • She's now looking at a surgery that will confine her to her studio for at least 4 weeks healing time, unable to make money, most likely by herself if I can't be there (she cuts relationship ties at the smallest slights, doesn't have many local friends).
    via swimsmoke
  • We currently have a "pretty good" relationship, because I have physical distance from her and have forgiven her for her mistakes in my childhood, for my own mental health.
    via swimsmoke
  • I have a sibling that is no contact with her for these same mistakes. I truly believe she has made her bed and as it is, now has to lay in it.
    via swimsmoke
  • I do know when we talk later shes going to ask me to come help her, and I don't know how to approach saying no, or if I should say no.
    via swimsmoke
  • She was always a selfish and neglectful parent, and when it was her turn to care for me she did the bare minimum (all of 2 years as a teenager, didn't even make it to 18).
    via swimsmoke
  • I feel like I want to tell her exactly that, and make it clear to her she has never taken accountability for anything, she put herself in the position of having no money or resources so she could galavant the world.
    via swimsmoke
  • On the other hand I also feel some amount of responsibility for the woman who birthed me, a woman who had a hard and traumatizing life as well - but don't have the resources to help in any real capacity.
    via swimsmoke
  • I don't have money to throw at the problem, I don't want to use all my time off for the year taking care of her, and I wouldn't get paid if I take leave, which I won't even qualify to take until another 6 months from now.
    via swimsmoke
  • Reddit AITA for holding her accountable/responsible for putting herself in this position? AITA for putting myself first here?
    via swimsmoke
  • Combination Any870 NTA....you can't give up your work to be her rescue. Let her know that she should talk to the hospital social workers about resources for assistance after her surgery.
    via CombinationAny870
  • Albany Barbiedoll This - her insurance will likely(?) cover post-surgical rehab for her. The rest is on her. She can either pay for care or delay surgery until she saves up or organizes Medicaid (assuming U.S.) services. The MOST important thing you can do is to not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Maybe you can take the day of the surgery and day after off. Maybe you can come for a day when she eventually gets home. That's it!! Times are hard for everyone right now. Maybe I am vaguely bit
    via AlbanyBarbiedoll
  • OP swimsmoke Thank you ♥living on hopes and dreams is what she does best, I say all the time I'd love to travel the world but I'm trying to save... FOR RETIREMENT and a chance at a future that doesn't involve relying on my kids.
    via swimsmoke
  • Business_Coyote_5496 Dude, she's only 63. That's waaaaay too young to be thinking about your kid needs to help you. That's a conversation for 15 years from now. "she cuts relationship ties at the smallest slights, doesn't have many local friends" - This is my sister in law. And many posters on Reddit. You reap what you sow. Spend your life always thinking me me me and then when you get a problem you need help with don't expect people to be flocking to help you. I'd send her Aesop's fable The Ant
    via Business_Coyote_5496
  • OP swimsmoke Checking out these fables myself! You reap what you sow 100% of the time.
    via swimsmoke
  • whateverforeverfjsks She didn't retire at age 47 that's absurd. Who retires at age 47 to pursue soap selling? That's not retiring, that's bullshit. At FORTY SEVEN? She sounds absolutely batshit, stop enabling her. I wish I could retire at 47 LMFAO you're being scammed by your own mother. Do you genuinely think folks retire at 47 without savings to pursue soap selling? Read that sentence out loud to yourself several times and if it doesn't make sense, go tell a therapist.
    via whateverforeverfjsks
  • OP swimsmoke Trust me I am 100% on board, she calls it retiring but I recognize it was just stopping work in her career field to do something that makes substantially less with no saftey net. Luckily I've avoided being scammed by her and don't intend to start any time soon.
    via swimsmoke
  • NTA Demented-Alpaca You are not responsible to people just because they are family. As far as how you tell her, just say you can't. You can't take time off, you can't afford your bills if you're not working etc... She's gonna throw a fit but hold firm. But most importantly, stop feeling guilty or responsible for her. She's a grown ass adult. Her trauma is not your fault or responsibility. If she won't take the steps to deal why should it be on you? She got herself to where she is, she can deal w
    via Demented-Alpaca
  • OP swimsmoke Thank you for that last paragraph
    via swimsmoke

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family dynamics family drama entitled parents entitlement reddit story family feud parenting entitled family reddit thread parent Reddit Parenting Fail parents entitled people Parenting FAILS
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