24-year-old moves in with extended family to learn independence, complains to mom when aunt refuses to pick him up early from a party with his cousins: 'If he couldn't handle being there, he could take a train'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Dec 22, 2025 9:00 PM EST

Some people take longer to grow up than others.

The business of being an adult is complicated, and it takes a while to get it right. It could be argued that the majority of grown-up people who feel like they have never achieved whatever the heck it means to be competent at this so-called adulting. Pretty much everyone, even the most mature among us, has one or two things that they struggle with that they kind of assumed they would get the hang of when they were kids.

A big part of learning to become independent in this way starts in childhood. In theory, it is one of the most important jobs that parents have when they choose to have children. They aren't babies forever, and there comes a point where helplessness stops being mildly annoying and starts to be a real problem. 

For various reasons, some have a harder time adjusting to adult life than others, and they will take more time to achieve those basic milestones that they should be capable of. Still, that doesn't mean that they should be sheltered from reality and allowed to stay in their comfort zone all the time.

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  • a man sits on a couch with his head in his hand in a messy room with opened pizza boxes on the coffee table next to him
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The protagonist of this story found himself as the main character precisely because of his perceived inability to do almost anything for himself, despite being 24 years old. He recently moved in with his grandparents after living with his mom, in a bid to learn how to be more independent.

    After a month of this arrangement, his aunt and cousins were already growing tired of the demand of his living nearby. He constantly tried to hitch rides with them instead of finding alternative transportation. However, his cousins still invited him to a party with some friends, and he agreed.

    The man quickly decided that he did not want to be at the party when he got there, and tried to get his aunt to pick him up. She told him he would have to wait for his cousins if he wasn't willing to get an Uber or take the train. He told his mom about the incident, and she felt she was being unfair. The aunt wanted a second opinion.

  • Am I wrong for not coddling my nephew?

    My 24 year old nephew is staying with my MIL and FIL to learn how to take care of himself. My husband, our kids (23, 21, 18), and I live a mile away from them. My nephew is very coddled. At 24, he's never held a job, doesn't drive, doesn't cook, doesn't know how to do his laundry, and has no social skills.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • He's been here for almost a month and for someone here to learn independence, he's not very independent. He's calling me and my kids daily to ask us to take him to one specific mall 15 miles away when there's a perfectly fine one 2 miles away, across the street from a bus stop, he wants us to drive him to the grocery store a half mile away because it's too cold to walk (50 degrees). We put up with it for the first couple weeks but lately we've been agreeing to drives if one of us is already goin
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • My older 2 kids went to a party on Friday night and they invited him to go with them. I use the word party very loosely. There were 15 people building gingerbread houses, playing white elephant, and a Mario kart tournament. No drinking, no loud music. The party was at my cousins house an hour and a half away.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • close up of a gingerbread house decorated with icing and candy
    via laura adai (Unsplash+)
  • My nephew agreed to go, then 20 minutes in started texting me asking how long this party would last, then saying he was overwhelmed and only expected 2 or 3 people to be there, complaining that my kids wouldn't take him home, then asking me to pick him up.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • I told him that he agreed to go and that if he heard party and expected 3 people, that's on him, so if he couldn't handle being there he could either uber or take a train.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • He wasn't willing to do either so he sat in the living room and waited for my kids to be ready to go. He told my SIL about us refusing rides and me not picking him up from the party so she called me furious that we're treating him like this and that he chose to come out here because he'd have support while learning to be independent.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • I told her that learning to be independent means learning to do stuff by himself and that I don't plan to coddle a grown man. If my kids can figure it out so can he. Now she's mad that I'm refusing to support her son learning independence and that family is supposed to be better than this. AITA for not coddling him
    via OutrageousMall8991
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    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Particular-Archer410 Is your nephew developmentally delayed? If not, whoever raised him did him a gigantic disservice. Who are his parents? Who has been taking care of this man? Does he have a job? If not, where does he get his money? Has he been in college and completely supported? Moving in with Grandma and Grandpa isn't giving "get independent" vibes, grandparents spoil and coddle, it's part of the job description! NTA NTA NTA. The A is whoever raised this guy with zero skills. Edited to add
    via Particular-Archer410
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 I believe he may be on the spectrum but he was never assessed. He's lived with my husband's sister and BIL until last month. He was in college until 2 years ago. Never had a job. His parents supported him.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • SecretCurve3898 NTA you handled that exactly how you should have. It's a party and he expected there to be 3 people? If anything I would think the 15 would be MORE comfortable than the 30-40 of a party party. It is not your responsibility to be his chauffeur and babysitter. If your SIL cared so much why didn't she pick him up? You are right he needs to learn independence but more than that it seems like he needs to learn how to cope. How to cope with a social situation that's bigger than expecte
    via SecretCurve3898
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 My SIL lives out of state. He's staying here to learn to live without his parents.
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • kfisch2014 Where are his parents? Why didnt they have him assessed? How did he get through school like this?
    via kfisch2014
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 They live out of state. I don't know. I saw this kid once a year until a month ago. Don't know how he made it through school
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • Gigi-lily NTA. If he is struggling with independence, are there any guidance for him? It feels like he was moved from being dependent on his parents to being dependent on your family. Which is fine in the beginning but has anyone taken the bus with him to visit the mall he prefers while making him take note of the stops so he can do it solo after? Has the convo around uber/bus/walking been stated for things beyond just the mall? I know you said you think he might be on the spectrum, so your sist
    via Gigi-lily
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 Nobody's taken the bus with him but it's not that complicated. He has a phone and can look up the routes and stops. Last year my older 2 kids went to Italy for 2 weeks. They booked their own flights and hotels, managed public transportation, navigated the city using a map, and figured out shops, restaurants, and attractions without speaking a bit of Italian. If they can figure out the bus system in a foreign country in a language they don't understand, he can figure it out
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • Flat_Contribution707 Tough questions ahead: 1. What made your in-laws and nephew decide this was the time for him to learn independence? Did SIL or BIL have a health scare? Did they crunch the numbers for retirement and found it impossible while supporting a third person? 2. What impact does Nephew's presence have on his grandparents quality of life? Based on what you're telling us, it sounds like your nephew does nothing to actually take care of himself or help out his grandparents. I assume MI
    via Flat_Contribution707
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 I have no idea. I only found out about this once he got here. My MIL is almost definitely caring for him but she's just that kind of person. When my husband and I go out of town she still tells the kids to stay with her so she can cook and clean for them
    via OutrageousMall8991
  • allisonqrice Info: can MIL and FIL drive? That's who he's living with right? Are they teaching him things? Has there been any progress? Sounds like he's supposed to be learning independence but doesn't want to. You can't do anything about that. SIL obviously failed to get him help until now, so I wouldn't really care what she has to say. I hope he's getting medical and mental health evaluations too.
    via allisonqrice
  • OP Outrageous Mall8991 My MIL never learned how to drive. My FIL still has a license and car but prefers to use our county's senior bus. I think he can do dishes and laundry now but that's about it.
    via OutrageousMall8991

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