Friends say they're 'betrayed' that 24-year-old kept her boyfriend a 'secret,' claim they should have known before 4 months: 'Basically everybody blew up at me, telling me I had lied to them'

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JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Dec 28, 2025 5:00 PM EST

You know what they say, "secret secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone." But this is not always a popular opinion. Secrets exist for a reason. If you're keeping something from someone, you likely have a reason to. Unless you're just doing it out of fear, which you should avoid doing, you probably have some sort of material reason for keeping some information to yourself. Maybe you want to spare somebody's feelings, or maybe you want to spare your own. We all have our reasons for keeping some things to ourselves, and that's not a crime. This is especially understandable in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. 

Those things have a way of never going how you expect them to. The beginning of a relationship is delicate. You're still trying to figure out how each other works, and you're probably saving some aspects of your personality for later on. You don't want to offend them and risk scaring them away. You also don't wanna make too much out of something too early and then have to walk it back in front of all your friends. Who hasn't done that? 

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  • A man and a woman walk with each other in the dark.
    via Andriyko Podilnyk

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • It's natural to get excited about somebody, but sometimes you get ahead of yourself and wish you hadn't let the cat out of the bag as quickly as you did. It can end up hurting your feelings even more to suffer the embarrassment of having to recount everything you told your friends. For all those reasons and more, one woman decided to keep her relationship to herself. She wanted to make sure it was worth talking about until she told everything to her friends. Plus, some issues in her past made her especially guarded. But her friends didn't see it that way. The way they saw it, she was keeping important stuff from them, and they felt betrayed by that. Read on to see whose side you're on and what you think about it. 

  • Am I in the wrong for 'betraying' my friends by having a secret boyfriend?

    I (24F) have a pretty horrible dating history. I've never had a relationship end in a way that wasn't a world shattering disaster (multiple cheating cases, ghosting, abuse, etc). Last year I had the worst breakup of my entire life that shook me up for a full year and some change. I don't have a big circle but I have a small group of friends that are all aware of my bad history with relationships.
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • This year I decided to dip my toe back into dating after the breakup and was casually seeing a few people over about 4-6 weeks. Other important context is that I have bipolar, and if you didn't know, a big part of that is getting very excited over new things and having your interest die over time. The same goes with relationships, you tend to get really hyped and optimistic after a good first date only for things to fizzle and have to tell everyone it didn't work out, which can be really embarra
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • This time when I decided to date around, I deliberately didn't tell anyone I was doing it. I'm just a little sick of messaging all my friends about this nice new person I'm seeing only for it not to work out, and they're probably sick of me telling them all about new things I'm interested in, knowing it'll fizzle away. I am working on it, I'm just aware that I'm hard to deal with.
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • While dating around on a few apps I met my current boyfriend, and I realised quickly I wanted to see him more than just a casual/FYB situation. We saw eachother a few times before deciding to be exclusive. I didn't tell any of my friends just in case it didn't work out, but now it's been 4 months and still going steady so I decided to tell people. I sent a few pictures to my group chats saying 'hard launch', expecting people to laugh with me, especially since I'm hilariously bad at keeping secre
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • Basically everybody blew up at me, telling me I had lied to them for 4 months and that I was being weird and betraying their friendship and trust by not telling them I had a boyfriend. I hate lying outright so the whole time I was lying by omission, just not telling them I was going on dates and then seeing someone exclusively.
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • I'm mortified and don't want to lose all my friends over something I thought would just be a fun surprise/funny reveal. If I genuinely messed up and this wasn't an OK thing for me to do I want to know, I'm neurodivergent so it's hard for me to know with things like this. I'm not trying to rally people into my corner, if this is something that would generally hurt people I want to know so I can do better next time.
    via u/Junior_Pause6450
  • A woman confronts another woman sitting on the couch.
    via Unsplash+ (Nini FromParis)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters came in with their opinions.

    Legitimate_Ad4794 their reactions are probably a huge part of why you didn't tell them. Not knowing about a friend's boyfriend isn't a super uncommon thing, and if they reacted like this, you may want to consider new friends.
    via u/Legitimate_Ad4794
  • SelinaRochell22 You're NTA. It's nothing. wrong with holding your cards close to your chest and giving some things time to develop. You are GROWING. You noticed a pattern that you didn't like, and you changed it. You seem really mature and self-aware. This internet stranger is proud of you! Congrats on the new relationship!
    via u/SelinaRochell22
  • seaside_komorebi INFO: Did anyone ever ask if you were seeing someone or going on dates? If they did, did you tell them no? Based on your post, it seems like that wasn't the case and you just didn't say anything as opposed to straight up lying. It's hard to even say that you "lied by omission" if nobody asked you about it.
    via u/seaside_komorebi
  • I'm going to lean towards NTA here, because that just feels like a weird reaction to your announcement, especially if the folks involved are aware of your dating history. And tbh, 4 months is such a short period of time... calling this a "betrayal" seems kind of wild.
    via u/seaside_komorebi
  • I guess if you want to explain your reasoning, you could just be honest and tell them that you didn't want to get both your and their hopes up. That you weren't sure it wasn't going to go well just based on previous experiences.
    via u/seaside_komorebi
  • revengeofthebiscuit NTA. I am a super private person and don't bring an SO around friends or family until I'm sure about the relationship. I'm entitled that, as is every adult in a consensual relationship. Your friends are totally overreacting and not being. very mature.
    via u/revengeofthebiscuit
  • Narwen189 Yikes. I thought you were a highschooler or something, by how your friends are acting. You don't need their permission to date, and you don't have to tell them about every little thing. NTA. I think it's great you've learned to be more careful with your heart.
    via u/Narwen189
  • Spiritual-Handle29... NTA. You did something for you and prioritized your own emotional and mental health before sharing with others. It's understandable to your friends to feel taken aback but no one is entitled to know everything about YOUR life. This is your life and not gossip, when you felt secure you shared. Genuine friends will be happy for you at the end of the day.
    via u/Spiritual-Handle2983
  • I would let your friends know you wanted to be sure before hard launching him and now that you are, you felt ready to share with those close to you.
    via u/Spiritual-Handle2983
  • ClaireL58 I think I'm going NAH/ mild E.S.H. I don't think you're an AH for not telling everyone about your dating life. It sounds like you were experimenting and just having no-stress fun; casual flings. No one needs to know everything that's going on in your private life, especially if it's not a serious thing at the moment.
    via u/ClaireL58
  • Why tell people if it ends up not being serious or that significant? I also don't think your friends are AH, if their concerns are based in worry. They know your history, and hard launching someone out of the blue with said history, could have set off alarms for them.
    via u/ClaireL58
  • Here's where the mild E.S.H comes in. Lying by omission isn't great. If your friends. tend to be your shoulder to cry on, I could see it not feeling great that you were lying to them. Also, I would try to get out of the assumptions of them not wanting to hear about your dating escapades. Unless they have told you that, don't assume as it separates you from your support group.
    via u/ClaireL58
  • If you hide your life from them, don't be surprised if they do the same to you. For them, I think calling it a betrayal is blowing it out of proportion. You didn't betray anyone. Good for you for being aware and working on your life though. Genuinely! Being that aware of how your brain is wired and trying to work past that is so impressive.
    via u/ClaireL58
  • DemonicSnow NAH. Your fine to decide what info to share with your friends. They're fine to think it's odd/a change when you stop involving them in information you previously used to share. Where you might be mildly YTA is that in
    via u/DemonicSnow
  • your post you assume they don't want to hear anymore. The saying "assuming makes an ass out of you and me" kind of comes from situations like this, especially if they could tell you were being secretive or weird. I'd just tell them honestly why you did it. You felt your BPD
    via u/DemonicSnow
  • makes you hype up things. and they end quickly and you feel awkward always making announcements of great dates and then them fizzling and you were just feeling a little awkward. Be earnest that you didn't do it to hide it from them but you realize now how it comes off and that you are sorry it appears. that way.
    via u/DemonicSnow
  • Embarrassed_Map... NTA. Your dating life shouldn't have to be anyone's business if you don't want it to be
    via u/Embarrassed_Map112
  • Educational_Dog61... YTA to yourself. You don't have to tell anybody anything and you're not an asshole for choosing not to tell your friends about this part of your life. But you're making yourself vulnerable by doing. this. You've pointed to several relationships which ended
    via u/Educational_Dog6171
  • traumatically from your point of view, and I think a repeat of this pattern without communicating about it with others makes it more dangerous. Abuse is often insidious and sometimes needs a friend to point it out. So yeah, you're being an asshole to yourself by putting yourself in danger.
    via u/Educational_Dog6171
  • You're perhaps making an assumption when you say your friends are probably sick if hearing you talk about your relationships. What makes. you think that though? Could you ask them? It might be more that they want to see that your relationships are improving rather than
    via u/Educational_Dog6171
  • repeating similar patterns, and this is a hard thing to tell someone. If anything it sounds like you need to talk more about your experiences in relationships with people you can trust to be honest about how they feel about what you're saying.
    via u/Educational_Dog6171
  • friedsherbert NTA. I don't tell anyone (including friends and family) that I'm dating someone until I know it's getting serious. When I was dating my last bf, I was honestly shocked by the reactions from some of my friends.. as if I committed some huge betrayal. I never
    via u/friedsherbert
  • lied to them since they never asked me if I was dating. If they asked, I would've told them I was seeing someone. One friend was so offended and said, "how long were you planning on hiding this from me?" It's only been a few months at that point, and I
    via u/friedsherbert
  • was planning on eventually telling my friends once I was ready. I've always been a private person and don't really show my friends or bf on social media, or even talk about them in general.
    via u/friedsherbert

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