Lower-income teacher "kicked out" of long-standing friend group when she tells them she can't afford to contribute to expensive group birthday gifts, faces exclusion after asking for a cheaper alternative: 'You make these sacrifices for your friends'

Author image for Emma Saven
Emma Saven
Jan 15, 2026 4:00 PM EST

When it comes to birthday gifts, we love to spoil our friends, but at what cost? 

I'm almost certain that every person in life has experienced disagreements when it comes to group gift-giving. Especially when we have friends who come from different financial backgrounds. I always joke about how the first thing I would do after winning the lottery is take my group of girls on a huge shopping spree in Paris. And as much as most of us wish we could give our friends the world and more, not everyone is lucky enough to win the lottery, let alone make $100k a year. And if you do, or have the stability to spoil your friends, that's amazing, and you definitely should…But is it fair to assume that friends, who can't quite afford a designer bag or a spa weekend away, should contribute the same to the group gifts? 

I've had similar discussions with many of my friends over the years. As someone recently out of college, and exposed to different people from various "walks of life," I am well aware that birthday seasons can be a second thought for some, and a budgeting task for others. So is splitting gifts, or expecting others to do so, truly as sensible or fair as it sounds? I don't think so. But it's not always that easy to be the one who has to exclude themselves from extravagant group gift-giving. I'm sure it can feel quite isolating, and for some, even embarrassing. However, if you're genuinely concerned about the tightness of your everyday expenses, and your friends are aware of this, they should be more understanding. And if they aren't, it may be time to take another look at who you're surrounding yourself with. Friendship shouldn't be based on how much money you spend on an impersonal birthday gift, but on the time and effort you put into those friendships.

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  • This young woman is experiencing the downside of group gift-giving. Friends with a higher-earning friend group, she feels the pressure to keep up. But an extra $80 on expensive gifts every few weeks is beginning to add up. Not only does she earn less than half of her friends' salaries, but these little “treats” are starting to highly disrupt her monthly budget. She decides to be honest with them, politely explaining that she can’t afford to partake in buying such pricey gifts, even offering alternative ideas…but her honesty is only used against her…To the point of complete isolation. 

  • 01
    A group of happy young women celebrating their friend's birthday
    via pixelshot

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02

    AITJ for telling my friend group I'm not paying for the "group gift" anymore because they always choose expensive things I can't afford

    I'm 26F and part of a friend group of 6 women. We've been friends since college.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 03
    For birthdays we always do a "group gift" where we split the cost evenly. The problem is most of my friends make way more money than me.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 04
    I'm a teacher making $42k, they're in tech, finance, consulting making $80k-120k. When they pick group gifts they always want to spend $300-500 TOTAL which means $50-80 per person.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 05
    Last month for "Jessica's" birthday they wanted to get her a designer bag that was $420.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 06
    My share was $70. That's a lot for me but I paid it. Then two weeks later for "Morgan's" birthday they wanted to do a spa package for $360.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 07
    Grateful woman receiving a birthday gift from her friend
    via wildlittlethingsphoto

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 08
    Another $60 from me. Now "Tara's" birthday is coming up and they want to get her a $500 weekend at a fancy hotel.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 09
    They're asking me for $83. I finally said I can't keep doing this, its too much money for me.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 10
    They got weird about it and said "its only once every couple months" and I'm "being cheap." I tried to explain my budget is different than theirs and they said "you make these sacrifices for your friends." I suggested we could set a lower budget or I could give separate smaller gifts but they said that "defeats the purpose" and makes people feel like their not all equally important.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 11
    Now their saying if I don't contribute to group gifts I'm "choosing not to participate in the friend group." AITJ for backing out?
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 12
    TL;DR: Friend group always picks expensive group gifts ($300-500) that we split evenly, I make way less money than them and can't afford it, they say I'm being cheap and not a team player.
    via Outside_Software_915
  • 13
    honey_spicce NTA. Your "friends" are financially illiterate bullies. They're using "friendship" as a guilt trip to fund their own expensive taste. $80 several times a year is a utility bill, not a sign of loyalty. Their argument that separate gifts "defeats the purpose" is nonsense. The purpose should be celebrating a friend, not maintaining a performative, expensive ritual that excludes people on a budget. They care more about the appearance of a fancy gift than your actual financial well-being
    via honey_spicce
  • 14
    Tropical Dragon78 NTJ but I'm curious if you've ever been the recipient of one of these expensive birthday gifts.
    via TropicalDragon78
  • 15
    NTJ SpecialModus Operandi Why are you friends dicks!! Ask them you sacrificing means you can't make rent as they make 2 or 3 times as you. Your friends are seriously inconsiderate.
    via SpecialModus
  • 16
    temptmusse Your friends are financially tone- deaf and emotionally manipulative. "You make these sacrifices for your friends" is absolute bullshit. Friendship shouldn't require you to sacrifice your financial stability for a designer bag. The fact that they prioritize an expensive, performative gift over your actual well-being says everything. They'd rather have you stressed and broke than adjust a budget. That's not friendship; that's a clique with a membership fee. You're not "choosing not to
    via temptmusse
  • 17
    Stressed woman lying with her head on the table while holding an empty wallet
    via kasparsgrinvalds

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 18
    Amazing-Wave4704 NTJ. They should have respected your No.
    via Amazing-Wave4704
  • 19
    Zealousideal Tea5988 Do you also get $500 birthday gifts?
    via Zealousideal_Tea5988
  • 20
    Dazzling-Secret2584 what did you get when it was your turn?
    via Dazzling-Secret2584
  • 21
    AtlJazzy2024 Your birthday present should be reimbursement for all the payouts you do, PLUS a $300 bonus. You have outgrown and outspent the friends crew. Leave these people alone and get yourself some real friends.
    via AtlJazzy2024
  • 22
    Klutzy_Egg_9303 As one of the highest income earners in my group I find this horrible. While we don't keep a tab on incomes we all generally know. Do regular group stuff to level of the lower incomes. I am probably sensitive to it as I knew many of these guys for 30 years and met them as a poor as crud grad student (13.5k a year, it was the 90s). They treated me right then without income shaming me (we joked about it but it was positive joking), I do it now. Maybe I am just old school.
    via Klutzy_Egg_9303
  • 23
    III-Entry-9707 They are right, you are being cheap. Cheap fits into your budget and that is what is important to you, and therefore, should be important to them also. Friends should be respectful towards each other's time, money and beliefs. Stick to your principles because you are being very reasonable
    via III-Entry-9707

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gifts friendship-group salaries friends expensive-taste entitled
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