Dad seldom soothes crying 14-month-old baby at night, gets angry when the baby cries when he holds her instead of her mom: 'He says that I am destroying his self esteem.'

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Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jun 24, 2026 12:30 PM EDT

How will he soothe the baby if he never soothes her first? 

Babies don't always take to their fathers immediately. If you're a dad, you probably know that a lot of the time, a baby will prefer their mother when they're upset, but that's not something that can't be helped. A dad needs to put in the effort to build a relationship with his baby if he wants his baby to stop crying when he holds him. He needs to feed them with the bottle, change their diaper, and hold them when they cry. If he does that consistently, the baby will start wanting dad as much as they want mom. 

If you're working all day and your partner is staying home with the baby, it's impossible to get as much time with the baby as they are getting. However, you can make up for that at night and take some time during the week to soothe the baby while your partner gets some well-needed sleep. The problem is that this often doesn't happen because the working parent's sleep is seen as more important than the caretaker's, which is fair enough. It shouldn't be all-or-nothing. One parent should be responsible for always waking up to soothe their baby. If they take on that responsibility, it's no wonder their baby prefers them to their partner. The person who comforts the baby when they're crying becomes the baby's safe place. If you never comfort your baby, you're practically a stranger to them. The dad in this story seldom comforts his baby when she wakes up, and it's affecting their relationship. 

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  • A dad holding his crying baby, who always cries whenever he holds her instead of her mother.
    via Toa Heftiba

    Models of a dad holding his crying baby, who always cries whenever he holds her instead of her mother. 

  • Am I the bad guy for sending my husband in to soothe our baby, even though it makes him feel badly because the baby cries every time he holds her?

    My husband and I have a baby together, she is 14 months now. She is currently sick, and last night was one of the nights where she has
    via u/XXlune
  • been awake for around an hour between 2 and 3-ish. I get up with her and try to soothe her, but she was quite awake. She wouldn't go back down to
    via u/XXlune
  • sleep. I tried for 45 minutes and I was at the end of my rope. She was babbling and wiggling around; no signs of her going to sleep any time soon.
    via u/XXlune
  • At this point I do what I always do: I wake my husband. My limit is around 45 minutes of active trying to soothe her anyway, due to how heavy she is and just my
    via u/XXlune
  • general exhaustion. My husband has shoulder and back issues. He almost never gets up first with the baby it is mostly me waking him if
    via u/XXlune
  • he has to get up. Important to the story is that our baby is very attached to me. She will cry when I hand her over to her dad. This means
    via u/XXlune
  • that she will go from a happy babbling baby to a wheezing crying mess in seconds. This crying really messes with my husband's self esteem. He thinks it makes him a bad
    via u/XXlune
  • dad (which is not true) and that this behavior is somehow his fault (or mine). I told him it is all developmentally normal, and not his fault, and he understands but not on
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  • an emotional level. Sometimes the crying doesn't stop after I hand her over to him at night, at which point my husband comes back and hands her back to me. But
    via u/XXlune
  • most of the time she calms down after a minute or two and she actually falls asleep with him much more easily than with me. Today at like 2:45, she
    via u/XXlune
  • didn't stop crying and I was asked to come back. Despite her not being asleep, this is still beneficial to me because:
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  • 1. she is more tired after crying 2. I do actually get a small break from soothing her
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  • She fell asleep shortly after me coming back. Now, my AITA question: Due to a comment I made in passing about her being more tired after she
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  • cries, and this being helpful to putting her down, my husband is now very upset. He says that I sacrifice and use his relationship
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  • with our child (by having him go in and having her cry) for my own gain. He also says that I am destroying his self esteem with this.
    via u/XXlune
  • A husband and wife arguing over who should soothe the baby at night and for how long.
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A representation of a husband and wife arguing over who should soothe the baby at night and for how long.

  • I never meant to do this, neither did I ever send him to her just to have her cry / tire her out. AITA?
    via u/XXlune
  • bythebrook88 He almost never gets up first with the baby - it is mostly me waking him if he has to get up. He says that I sacrifice and use his relationship with our child (by having him go in and having her cry) for my own gain. He needs to improve his relationship with his child by getting up first when needed. He's not there just to do the 'fun' parts of parenting!
    via u/bythebrook88
  • Canipaywithclaps This is it. Wants to baby to be soothed by him, doesn't response to the baby when they are upset
    via u/Canipaywithclaps
  • deeps_do_content Funny how Mom being exhausted after 45 minutes is just parenting, but Dad being exhausted after 15 minutes is apparently a family crisis.
    via u/deeps_do_content
  • Important-Ad3344 Therapy, your husband needs therapy to deal with his self- esteem issue. In addition, the pediatrician needs to educate him on normal development for your child. Like if he can't critically think that a child might want their mother more than their father, that is also a problem. HIS problem
    via u/Important-Ad3344
  • A dad talking to a therapist about his self-esteem issues regarding his baby crying every time he holds her.
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A photo of what could be a dad talking to a therapist about his self-esteem issues regarding his baby crying every time he holds her. 

  • Tasty Association353 Agreed. He is not taking responsibility for his feelings and is instead blaming others. Nobody can "make" him feel something... it's a product of his feelings and beliefs. "You are sabatiging me!" is a far cry from "I am feeling disappointed that I cannot easily soothe my child." Therapy can help him learn how to build up emotional intelligence and regulation.
    via u/Tasty_Association353

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self esteem baby parenting dad mom sleeping crying
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