Girlfriend argues with boyfriend because he's being disrespectful towards her culture by not following basic customs she asked him to: 'What upset me was how he immediately dismissed my request as "silly" instead of making such a small accommodation.'

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I'm Japanese (40F) and in my culture, sticking chopsticks upright into a bowl of rice is considered disrespectful because it's traditionally done at funerals or as an offering to the deceased. Today at home, my boyfriend (36M) who is non-Japanese, stuck his chopsticks vertically into his rice. I politely told him that it's considered disrespectful in my culture and asked if he could lay them across the bowl instead. He immediately said it was silly and
Visual representation of a bowl with ramen, an egg, and two chopsticks on top.
refused, saying they'd fall off. I told him they wouldn't, but then he said he wasn't eating Japanese food so it didn't matter. I explained that it isn't about the food, it's about how the chopsticks are placed. He responded that we're not in Japan and that he wasn't changing what he was doing. because he thought it was silly. I calmly said I was only asking for a small favor out of respect for
my culture. He then sharply replied, "Fine, I'll just use forks from now on!" So I took the chopsticks away and handed him a fork. What upset me was how he immediately dismissed my request as "silly" instead of making such a small accommodation. I got quite angry and said, "You're just like all the other white people who love anime and collect figures but
don't actually care about Japanese culture." He was shocked by that and later told me I was petty, cynical, and intentionally trying to hurt his feelings. I gave an example of how whenever I have dinner with him and his family, they say grace before eating. I'm not reli_ous and I didn't grow up doing that, but I do it anyway because I know it's meaningful to them. He responded that rel_ion and
culture aren't the same thing. He also told me that during couples counseling, our counselor said we shouldn't have expectations of each other. I told him that's not why I was upset. I'm not angry because he didn't meet an expectation I had. I'm upset at how he immediately dismissed my request as "silly" and refused to make such a small gesture out of respect for my culture.
A bowl of rice with veggies and two chopsticks on top.
IllustratorSlow1614 NTA Your couples counsellor saying you shouldn't have expectations of each other seems to be translated by your boyfriend to mean that he can do whatever he likes and if you're upset by it that's a you problem.
People certainly should have reasonable expectations of their partners, relatives, and friends. If you're in counselling, maybe take it as a sign that this isn't working out.
lydocia He can't do the smallest thing possible to make you more comfortable. Doesn't matter if it's cultural or because it gives you anxiety or whatever. Small request, big gesture, bigger fight. That's the gist of it.
stallion8426 NTA. It was a small request and he wasn't willing in the least to respect you or your culture. It's a bad sign in a partner.
primrose88 Why are you with someone who is disrespecting you and your culture? I'm not Japanese and I'm not dating a Japanese either, but since I found out about the chopsticks and what it means when you stick them in rice, I never do that. How dares he dismiss it just like that??
Claque-2 NTA, but you picked a bad partner. Get a better one who respects you.
PhoenixMapper NTA. Laying them across the bowl is such a non-issue. He went out of his way to create an argument and be hurt about nothing.
Individual-Foxlike NTA. It honestly doesn't sound like he thinks you're worth respecting. Plenty of cultures and religions have traditions that look "silly" without context.
Rosegold2222 The worst thing is, he didn't seek to understand more about what you were telling him. The rule about chopsticks in rice is also relevant in Korea, and I worked for a Korean company and travelled to Korea too, and this was a basic piece of cultural intelligence any visitors were expected to pay heed to. Your boyfriend is a , I'm sorry. You deserve better.
DungeonCrawler-Donut I read the title and I was like "he's not Japanese, it's ok not to know" but he did know, and then he doubled down, and then he was mean about it, and THEN I read you're already in counselling. OP this relationship is not The One, dump him and find someone better. He doesn't like you, never mind love you.
Confident-Book6225 NTA. But generally needing couples counselling when only dating and no kids is a red flag itself. Just dating and no kid is supposed to be the easy part of a relationship.
Neko Mao92 NTA My mom (Taiwanese) would break fingers if anyone was still that disrespectful after one warning.
Different types of Japanese foods laying on top of a table, model image.

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