34-year-old man realizes he has been the toxic one in every single relationship he had and wonders what to do about it: 'I always thought codependent people had the problem and i was fine because i don't need anyone. but not needing anyone isn't strength'

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 6, 2026 2:30 PM EDT

Realistic hopecore

Reading stories like this reignites my faith in humanity. Probably all the hearts he broke are mended by now, but he can at least stop himself from breaking more in the future. I thought my cold exes could never be self-aware, but this story makes me think they might be, one day, when they turn 34.

I've been on both sides of the situation, and I know how an unannounced call from your partner to talk through some drama can feel like a burden if you are the slightest bit avoidant, or were minding your own business that day. But I also know how you feel when you are trying to tell your partner something important to you, and you get one- or two-word, dry responses. Is it always a matter of codependency?

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  • man with surprised expression against red background
    via Sacha Canivet

    The man realizing he is the toxic one

    Subject is a model

  • i just realized i've been the toxic one in every relationship i've ever had and i don't know what to do with that

    I'm 34M and i've been telling myself the same story for about 15 years. every relationship ends and i tell my friends "she was crazy" or "she changed" or "we just weren't compatible." and
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  • they believe me because i'm the calm one, i'm the reasonable one, i never raise my voice. My ex from last year told me i was emotionally unavailable. the one before
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  • that said i made her feel invisible. the one before THAT said loving me was like loving a wall. I brushed all of it off. three different women saying basically the same thing
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  • and i thought the problem. was them. Last month i was clearing out old messages on my phone and i ended up reading back through arguments with all three of
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  • them. and it was the same thing every time. she'd be upset, she'd be reaching for something, and i'd just.. go flat. one or two word replies. waiting for it to be over. i wasn't reading it as me being calm anymore. i
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  • was reading it as me being gone. I sat in my car for like 20 minutes after that. because seeing it from the outside, in my own words, in three different
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  • man holding phone
    via Andrej Lisakov

    The man reading his old text messages

    The picture is representative

  • Having a realization like this can change your life, and at 34, if you have had many failed relationships, it could be a way to put an end to that. I don’t think he is to blame for everything that happened in his relationships. He might indeed have dated some very codependent people, but if he always finds the same type of issues, there might be something to look at regarding his relationship choices. It could very well be he is subconsciously attracted to very codependent people, or it could be that he can never get past any intimate issues that arise (and eventually they always do), and that has sabotaged every relationship he has been in.



     

  • relationships years apart, there was no version of it that was their fault. I don't yell because i shut down instead. i don't cheat because i don't let anyone close enough for it to
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  • matter. i'm not "calm and reasonable," i'm disconnected. and that disconnection isn't neutral. it's actually brutal to be on the receiving end of. i just
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  • never had to feel it because i'm the one doing it. The worst part is i think i learned it from my dad. he was the same way. my mum would be upset
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  • about something and he'd just go quiet and wait for it to pass. i thought that was maturity. it's not. it's its own kind of cruelty and it's the kind nobody calls you
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  • out on because you look like the good guy from the outside. I always thought codependent people had the problem and i was fine because i don't need
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  • anyone. but not needing anyone isn't strength. i've built my entire personality. around never being vulnerable and that's not strength, it's just armour, and the armour is the thing that keeps hurting people.
    via Ecstatic_Vacation37
  • I couldn't stop turning it over for days after. at one point at like 1am i did one of those attachment quizzes on tarostarot half expecting nonsense and it put words to the withdrawal thing and
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  • where it gets learned better than i could. didn't fix anything obviously. but it was the first time the pattern had a name that wasn't just "he's the calm one."
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  • I don't really know what to do with all this. i'm looking into therapy but the waiting lists where i am are insane. i just needed to say it somewhere because i've never said it out loud before.
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  • man sitting on bed looking down thoughtfully
    via Vitaly Gabriel

    The man in the future going to therapy

    Subject is not the real person from the story

  • I love that he is going to go to therapy. He will likely find the issue is much deeper than what he thought at first, and I don’t mean that it’s way worse; I mean it might be way more nuanced. He will likely, sooner rather than later, be able to see himself in a much more forgiving light, and that will allow him to be more open to talking things through in the future and also not to blame everything on himself. I’m hopeful today, and you?

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relationship advice relationships toxic relationship relationship drama
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