Woman asked for a "low maintenance" friendship but gets upsed when she is treated as such, leaving friend wondering if the low maintenance only applies for her: 'She also said bringing up friendship issues over text makes her anxious'

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 1, 2026 8:00 AM EDT

People don't want what they say they want

For some time now, I've realized that some things aren't solved through talking. I know this is a rather controversial stance in times where everywhere we look, we are bombarded with the message that we should 'talk things through', that we should 'go to therapy', and that will be the solution to all our problems. I'm not saying that there isn't a benefit in doing those things; I'm just saying that they're not the solution to our problems, they are just resources we use to get THROUGH them, but, contrary to popular belief, some problems persist even if we talk about them in the clearest way possible; we have to walk away from them in silent if we consider that accepting them is not what we want.

That seems to be the case for the Redditor who posted this story about a friend who very clearly said she wanted a 'low maintenance' friendship, and then what she really wanted turned out not to be that clean.

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    smiling woman
    via Christian Bowen

    A model representing the friend smiling while the 'low maintenance' only applies to her

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    Friend asked for a “low maintenance friendship” but gets upset when I match her energy. Am I missing something?

    I'm looking for an outside. perspective because I've been going back and forth on this for a while.
    via Professional_Flan318
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    A few years ago, one of my closest friends moved in with her fiancé. After that, she stopped answering my calls, would take days to respond to my texts, and was generally much less present. I eventually
    via Professional_Flan318
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    told her I was hurt because our friendship felt really different. Her response was that she has her own life now, her fiancé and family come first, and that she wanted a "low maintenance
    via Professional_Flan318
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    friendship." She also said bringing up friendship issues over text makes her anxious. I respected that and tried to adjust. The confusing part is that
    via Professional_Flan318
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    whenever I started matching her level of effort, she didn't like it. For example, if she left me. on delivered for four days, I'd reply four days later the next time she texted me. I wasn't trying to be petty, I
    via Professional_Flan318
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    genuinely wanted to stop overextending myself and see what happened if I matched the effort she was giving me. Instead of talking to me about it, she complained to her sister and one of our mutual friends that I was taking
    via Professional_Flan318
  • 08
    a woman in a white shirt talking on a phone
    via Doğukan Ata Öksüzoğlu

    A picture representing the sister picking up the phone to hear that someone was delaying responses to her!

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    too long to respond. So now I'm left wondering... was "low maintenance" only supposed to apply to her? Because it feels like when she responds late, it's understandable because
    via Professional_Flan318

  • I had a friend who became really distant when she found a boyfriend; at first, I thought that was really offensive, and I tried talking it through with her. Of course, she denied almost everything and said we could try working it out; some time passed, and nothing changed. I decided to sit back and move on with my life, radically accepting how things were, sitting with my own emotions and rationalizations. I got to a place where I was thankful for what actually remained in my life and didn’t dedicate much thought to what wasn’t. This friend turned out to be one of the things that weren’t part of my life. I truly don’t hold a grudge today for her, but this grief went through many stages. Sometimes, no matter how many times you speak about something, you can’t change the reality that some people don’t make efforts to keep you close, and that’s not an insult to you or to anyone; it just is.

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    she's busy, but when I do the exact same thing, it's suddenly a problem. Another thing that's really been bothering me is that she almost never treats me as an individual anymore. She constantly groups me
    via Professional_Flan318
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    with another friend. Examples: - She'll text us together instead of separately. If she wants to make birthday plans, she tries to celebrate us together instead of individually.
    via Professional_Flan318
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    - When I make my own plans, she'll ask what the other person is doing, as if we're a package deal. - For plan logistics, if I say what I'm doing, she'll immediately ask, "What about [other friend]?" It's gotten to the point
    via Professional_Flan318
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    where I feel like she doesn't really see me anymore, she sees "the two of you." - I feel like the friendship only functions when I'm putting in more effort than she is. If I mirror her level of investment, she gets
    via Professional_Flan318
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    upset. Has anyone experienced a friendship like this? Has anyone else had a friend who always groups them with someone else?
    via Professional_Flan318
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    How did that make you feel, and did you ever bring it up?
    via Professional_Flan318

  • I think the best solution to this type of trouble is distance; distance is really healing. You don’t have to put up with your friend's pettiness, and she doesn’t get to treat you with low effort; you just no longer willingly participate in the dynamic or in trying to change it; you exist outside of it. Of course, this is easier said than done, but nobody said it was easy…lol.

  • 16
    three women walking and laughing
    via Priscila Du Perez

    A photo of three women depicting the distant friend hanging out with her other friends and having a great time

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