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18 Insane Bible Verses That Are Totally F*cked Up

You didn't learn about these verses in Sunday school!

Posted by Meeeeesh
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  • 1
    Text - iff_true 2h "He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the Lord." Dueteronomy 23:1
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  • 2
    Text - BEEFTANK_Jr 3h The Book of Tobit is about a man who is blinded because a bird shits in his eyes. Meanwhile, a woman's husbands keep getting killed by Asmodeus, the demon of lust, before they can consummate. The angel, Raphael, disguises hiimself as a relative of Tobit and his son and takes the son on a journey to the city the woman lives in. On the way there, the son catches a fish that tries to eat his foot and takes its internal organs on Raphael's instruction. Raphael sends him to meet
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  • 3
    Text - JeromesNiece 3h That one time a guy got called a baldy by some children, so the guy got God to send some bears to maul the 42 children to death. 2 Kings 2:23-24
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  • 4
    Text - mikedevans247 2h Mankind was at peace, so God created the races and languages to ensure conflict and strife among men. Genesis 11:1-9.
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  • 5
    Text - ArchbishopBetelgeuse 2h Proverbs 26:18-19 King James Version (KJV) 18 As a mad man who casteth firebrands arrows, and death, 19 So is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport? The original "it's just a prank, bro"
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  • 6
    Text - abcdef123xyz1 2h Samson caught 300 foxes and tied them together. Not two. Not ten. Three hundred live foxes.
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  • 7
    Text - flibflibtheflobbin 2h There's a really really fat king who gets stabbed and he's so fat that the sword gets swallowed up in his fat when hes stabbed. Source: am theology student.
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  • 8
    Text - listenyall 3h When I was in high school I was having a bit of a crisis of faith, so I took out my bible, flipped through it, and put my finger on a random bit of a random page. In the bit I landed on, a guy's concubine is attacked so he cuts her up into 12 pieces (unclear whether she was dead already or he killed her to do this) so that he can send one piece to each of the tribes of Israel. It's real fucked up, in judges 19:29: http://biblehub.com/nasb/judges/19.htm I'm an atheist now.
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  • 9
    Text - _thebeast 3h There's a bit in Exodus where God sends Uriel to torment and abuse Moses for not circumcising his Son. Moses was seconds from death when his wife circumcised their son with a rock and laid the foreskin at his feet, sparing his life from grisly archangel murder. God really seems like a fun, laid-back guy
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  • 10
    Text - bobgom 2h Ezekiel 20:25-26, God admits that he gave his people laws which were "not good" including the requirement that they sacrifice children "So I gave them other statutes that were not good and laws through which they could not live I defiled them through their gifts-the sacrifice of every firstborn-that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the Lord."
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  • 11
    Text - jrgallag 2h Jesus straight up killed a fig tree because it didn't give him fruit. 454 Reply pipsdontsqueak 2h Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered. Matthew 21:18-22 NIV
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  • 12
    Text - Mr_Xing 1h Not the most insane, but I love that Moses with the tablets came back, saw everyone kinda just partying without him, got pissed and broke the tablets and then had to go get new ones...
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  • 13
    Text - Kukulkun 1h Remember Joseph and his coat of many colors? His siblings did a lot. A man once slept with/raped one of their sisters. The man then asked their family to marry the girl. The brothers agreed, but said that the man and his entire village/tribe would need to get circumcised first. So all the men in the village get circumcised, which means they're bedridden for the next couple days. Once that happened, a couple of Joseph's brothers walked into the village and killed every single m
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  • 14
    Text - allegedlycanadian 1h "David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage." -1 Samuel 18:27 tl;dr David wants to marry a chick; chick's dad (the current king) demands enemy foreskins as brideprice; David complies. Oh, and the whole thing was supposed to be a trap because Saul really wante
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  • 15
    Text - Alpha_Meta_man 3h God didn't like his sandbox creation so he killed almost everything on the planet with a flood Megagenocide. Rolled out a nerf patch and started over with insane inbreeding.
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  • 16
    Text - -SandorClegane- 2h Song of Solomon is full of gems, but this one is particularly creepy: We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver, but if she is a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar. Basically, if this girl with small boobs isn't a virgin when she gets married, she should wind up in a coffin.
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  • 17
    Text - Cyrith 3h After the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (for attempting to rape some angels), and after Lot's Wife turns into a pillar of salt for looking back, Lot's two young daughters decided to get their father drunk so they could trick him into getting them pregnant. Old testament is full of some weird shit.
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  • 18
    Text - daitoshi 1h Not really insane, but annoying that Christians forget it. Matthew 5:30 - Basically, Jesus's bros come up to him asking "Hey, these chicks are super hot, how do I stop myself from 'accidentally' groping them? And jesus tells them to cut off their hands. It's better to have no fuckin' hands than to sin by assaulting a woman. Later (or earlier? I forgot the verse's number) his bros come up saying "Hey Jesus, these chicks are really hot - seeing their titties make me horny, tell
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