15 Conversational Tweets To Fill Your Mind With Positively Humorous Thoughts

  • 1
    Text - Troutman @robotrowboat Boss: Let's put this matter aside for the time being Me: [looking around nervously] Can only you see the time being? Boss: Huh? Me: Is it standing near me? Boss: Who? Me: [on verge of panic attackl The time being
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  • 2
    Text - brent @murrman5 wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
  • 3
    Text - Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious Me - "you know how you always wanted an ostrich?" GF - "" [insane amount of noise coming from the kitchen while I struggle to keep the door closed]
  • 4
    Text - Tinker Elle @elle91 [3 AM] Me: Why are any of us here, really? Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically.
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  • 5
    Text - pat tobin @tastefactory YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about
  • 6
    Text - Consider John Frazzled @FrazzleMyGimp (Home Depot staff meeting] BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is? ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
  • 7
    Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what saw.
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  • 8
    Text - Bucky Isotope @Buckylsotope THATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR *wife sighs* "Is this because his grill is bigger than yours" frantically duct taping 2 grills together* NO
  • 9
    Text - I'm Not Dying Space Rider @truegritrumble DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it. ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged. DOCTOR: ... ME: Get my money's worth. >
  • 10
    Text - keith @KeetPotato mafia boss: "i want you to send tony the rat a message" me: "like what" mafia boss: "a horses head or sumthin" ne: [sends txt: "hey tony
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  • 11
    Text - riley @lgbtop burglar: if you wanna live give me all your money me:bold of you to assume i want to live and that i have money
  • 12
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100.99.98 ME: [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
  • 13
    Text - yabkat @ohen39 Friend: Put a banana in ur pants to impress her Mе: ok [Later] Date: tell me about urself Me: there's a banana in one of my pants back home
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  • 14
    Text - rat mic @loopzoop Me in court: your honor i would like to plead guilty as well as request the death penalty Judge: this... .is a parking ticket....
  • 15
    Text - great, person @hippieswordfish ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches


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