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Guy's Twitter Rant Hilariously Roasts Seattle's Hysterical Reaction To Its Snowmageddon Incident

The city of Seattle experienced its most "monstrous" snowstorm since 2017, last week, and people kind of lost their heads. Grocery stores were a mess of timid, nervous excitement, gathered in long passive aggressive lines at the self-checkout as people cleared the shelves and stocked up for what someone outside the city might think, was the next game-ending Ice Age. This man's inspired take on what that looked like as it befell the city is hilariously on point, and pulls zero punches in the process, for what makes the whole sh*tshow just so lovably ridiculous. 

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    twitter thread seattle snow storm I've never witnessed anything quite like Seattle grocery stores when locals are preparing to brave 4-5 inches of snow. Like, people are stocking up on emergency tomatoes and leaving water jugs on the shelves. People are buying gardening shovels in droves.
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm And antique stationary sets in case email servers go down. Oh no. They've started looting. People running out of stores with armfuls of Yerba Mate Wild packs of Goldendoodles roaming the streets .PCC is still fully stocked. Too expensive even for the looters. People are burning first drafts of their no
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm Society is breaking down. Rival Pokémon Go teams are establishing enclaves and fighting over territory. Portage Bay Cafes are neutral ground. People are bartering monogrammed yoga mats for just a single slice of cauliflower pizza. It's like Mad Max but with Amazon Prime vans
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm I just turned a corner and saw towering mechs fighting over on the Eastside. My god. The local tech giants have literal Tech Giants But not all is bleak. Poly clusters re inviting refugees into their intentional families. I awoke to the sight of Dickensian orphans picking through my compost. I don't even know where they found those flat caps. The snow is still 10 hours away.
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm Paper money is worthless. Cans of hard cider brewed from obscure fruits you've never heard of are the new currency of the land. Venturing back out to stores to survey the desolation. Gloves are still in stock. I don't think #Seattle knows about those yet.Gluten-free breadlines.
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm People have been lined up outside the Trader Joe's for hours, waiting for them to open. I think they have the new Harry Potter? The snow has started falling eight hours ahead of schedule. People are resorting to the politest cannibalism I've ever seen. People are running low on food, but are still well-stocked in edibles. They just ate Howard Schul
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm Everything is closed. Everywhere is abandoned. Writing groups are still meeting, though. You can't keep submitting the same chapter, Doug! People enduring literal Seattle Freeze. 1No one living on a hill will ever be heard from again. Years from now, puzzled archeologists will explore the ruins. I've been afraid to admit I'm originally from Mi
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm People are gathering basic supplies. Growlers are full, and they're tying hoodies together to make rope. T haven't mentioned the zombies yet, because mainly people are finding them tedious. But yes there are definitely zombies. T minus three hours until the snow hits. I have many regrets as I prepare to meet my end. Mistakes I've made, people I've hurt. Referring to 15 as "the 5" is my gre
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm Snow flurries have started in earnest. First time l've seen someone using an umbrella in Seattle. People are crocheting beanies as fast as they can. Visibility reduced to 30 feet. Good. It wearies the heart to see so many dead. If -10 were a speed, people would be driving -10.
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm It's like rain that won't leave. So awkward. My district has announced that schools will reopen never. Please educate your children however you see fit. It's been snowing for an hour and a half, and the roads are now white. People are gathering on their roofs, but no rescue is coming. People are singing to keep their courage up.
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    twitter thread seattle snow storm I was looking forward to meeting the neighbors one day. Now I never will. The inspiring thing about Seattle residents is how they pull together in a crisis. Why, just now I witnessed a young man letting several others huddle inside his beard for warmth. You're all making me feel very welcome here. I love Seattle. It's shame we'll all be dead by morning.
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