26 Twitter Musings That Are Worthy Of A Light Chuckle

  • 1
    Text - MomTransparenting @momtransparent1 Friend: So what's it like having kids? Me: it's like taking a cold shower w/ no soap because someone used it all to wash their barbie Them: oh. Me: all you hear is screaming. Them: Me: someone bursts through the door asking you to open a snack... Them: Me: no towel to dry off.
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  • 2
    Text - Jev @Jhavanni1 Does your mom know that you cry over unemployed men? 7:51 AM 7/10/19 from Jamaica Twitter for Android 6,038 Retweets 19.4K Likes
  • 3
    Text - Bohemian Rhaptitties @nonchalantnacho Forgot to buy Oreos at the grocery store so I'm basically on a diet. 21:05 17/07/2019 Twitter for Android
  • 4
    Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic Remember when our parents told us to never get ina stranger's car and now all we do is literally drunk dial a stranger's car and get in it
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  • 5
    Text - Honest Restaurant Manager @managerhonesty It's 2019, I assume the only people knocking on my door are Murderers, Robbers and Uber Eats Drivers.
  • 6
    Text - keith @KeetPotato dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you" me: "ok" [later] cellmate: "i kill people for money" me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"
  • 7
    Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic A hot girl summer legend New York Post@nypost 7h 68-year-old dominatrix charges men $150 an hour to clean her house
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  • 8
    Text - NOT ANOTHER TRUE CRIME PODCAST notanothertruecrimepod @NATCPOD Conspiracy theory: McDonald's never made ice cream, they just pretend they have the machines so youll keep coming back.
  • 9
    Text - Ali Kolbert @AliKolbert 911: hello miss what's your problem Me: Wow. Are you kidding me with this? What's YOUR problem?
  • 10
    Text - Harry Hill @veryharryhill The chorus of FLASH FLOOD warnings blaring from everyone's iPhones on the subway, all at once, formed an eery symphony...passengers gazed at their screens, brows furrowed but unsurprised. For a moment we were all Arias, Spencers, Hannahs, and Emilys. And the rain? The rain was A 5:52 PM 7/22/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - Therapist: what do we say when our actions have upset someone? me: hoes mad therapist: no 4:03 AM 7/15/19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 12
    Text - dreamghoul @TheDreamGhoul COP: any reason you were swerving back there? ME: I dropped a curly fry on the floor COP: and you had to- ME: I had to get it
  • 13
    Text - Austin @Austaur I've decided not to care anymore! I will still care, though. Possibly more than before.
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  • 14
    Text - SCOTTY @MarylandMudflap As the world gets dumber, I can't help but think Pizza Hut should give a personal pan pizza to every adult who reads 12 books over the summer.
  • 15
    Text - Mother Of Sarcasm @SarcasmMother Cows are so calm and happy because their favourite food is on ground all the time. Imagine walking on pizzas all day.
  • 16
    Text - Mommy Needs A Life @mom_needsalife The kids just told me the bathtub is clogged. I guess I'll stop sorting socks & move on to the plumbing portion of my evening. Adulthood is lit
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  • 17
    Text - Cydni Beer @cydbeer Every time my brothers and I went on an adventure with my sweet grandfather he would start to drive then yell out "And we are off like pretty dress on prom night" It was years later that I would understand what that meant.
  • 18
    Text - @punsfornuns When my tinder profile says 'app developer' I'm talking about app-etizers not computer programs you nerds.
  • 19
    Adaptation - emily @pctterdiaries y'all i'm shocked... i didn't know scarlett johansson was in prisoner of azkaban 7.9/10 10/10 Your Rating Metascore 492 738 40 Critic Reviews Cast See All TOP BILLED CAST Scarlett Johansson Whomping Willow Rupert Grint Ron Weasley Emma Watson Hermione Granger Un
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  • 20
    Text - Samantha Matt @SamanthaMatt1 Why is salad so much better when you don't make it yourself
  • 21
    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes Ihate when magicians say "pick a card" like let me see all the cards first and then I'll pick one. For all I know there could be a 15 of titties in that deck you're not showing me and I'm just settling for the classic king of hearts.
  • 22
    Text - Mommy Cusses @mommy_cusses If my hair is up in a ponytail, I'm probably running off of 4 hours of sleep, the screams of my children, 10 cups of coffee, and only had time to wash my pits, tits, and under-bits. 7:27 PM 19 Jul 19
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  • 23
    Text - Beth @mejustbeth Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I'm wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
  • 24
    Sky - mooncake @hannahdeulsetne my mom vs. my dad this reminds me of you Imao I took this photo in the car and it reminded me of your beautiful soul. Miss you more and more everyday. Why Delivered remember when you had scoliosis?
  • 25
    Text - NOT ANOTHER TRUE CRIME PODCAST notanothertruecrimepod @NATCPOD Pretty impressive that Amanda Knox went back to Italy after getting convicted and acquitted of murder, when I've vowed to never revisit entire countries just because the one city went to wasn't that fun.
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  • 26
    Text - Valerie @ValeeGrrl Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he's still talking about it


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