dragontael

If your significant other tends not to remember anything they do when they're drunk, don't let them give you a hickey after having a few drinks, because they won't remember giving you said hickey when they find it the next day, and they'll be convinced you cheated on them. #LFMF

If you ever advance your career to a point where you are announcing awards in front of 296 co-workers, make sure you don't mispronounce "best practices" to "breast packages". Especially if the recipient of the award is stacked. You'll never hear the end of it. #LFMF

No matter how desperate you are to kill some time, do not attempt to play five finger fillet with you pen. no matter how good you are, when the teacher slams the pen into your hand trying to snatch it out of your hand you will bleed everywhere the teacher will pass out and the school nurse does not have any pain killers strong enough to help. You will scream till the ambulance gets there. the variety of nicknames you receive will get old quickly. #LFMF

Before a class photo (or any other photo), DONT PICK YOUR NOSE!!! After the photo, You'll be wondering "Where did my booger go?" It was on your nose during the photo. #LFMF

In a moment of desperation, it is never a good idea to call the girl you like (and who has a birthday today) and tell her to come to the store and choose whatever she wants. The posibility of her choosing something more expensive than what your wallet can afford just makes you look like an idiot. And a very professional one. #LFMF

When working for an elementary school's After School Program and a 1st grader falls down and skins their knee, DO NOT jokingly tell him you'll have to cut the leg off. He won't think it's near as funny as the 2nd and 3rd graders in your class and you WILL look like an awful person. #LFMF

if you have a large number of gay friends and they have a really harsh language that's used in the group - think before you speak. It will not go down well at the party at your new job when you refer to a friend using a very derogatory name for a homosexual. There will be a shocked silence, you will be informed that there are gay individuals present, and you will be nauseas with shame. #LFMF

If you get a flat tire and angrily pull into a parking lot then jump out of your car and scream "F*%$ MEE!!!" make sure its not right next to a school playground. Also make sure you dont lock your keys and cell phone in your car whial its running to yell at your tire. You will have to ask the kids for help finding a phone to use.

Never drunkenly swallow a chicken nugget whole. it won't go all the way down you will burp 5 minutes later while playing beer pong and find said nugget in your cup. This story will be told whenever beer pong or chicken is mentioned. #LFMF

Don't eat a spoon of coffee grounds because you don't have the time to actually make coffee. Turns out, coffee is a laxative...and you just took it in a concentrated form. #LFMF

Before you remark on the horrid smell that suddenly fills the air, make sure that it isn't coming from your girlfriend, who is airing out her feet after dressing up for you on your anniversary. She will not be appreciative and you will not get laid. #LFMF

While on vicodin, stay well aware of your surroundings. The reason you are not wearing a seatbelt is because you are seated at your desk at work. Freaking out will get you sent home, using up time off you do not have. #LFMF

If you're in the locker room after gym class, never offer help to a friend to untie a knot in their pants. From EVERY other angle, it'll look like you're giving him a blowjob. Your teacher will never let you live it down. #LFMF

When helping out a classmate in business class, and she seems to be spacing out, don't wave your hand in front of her face and jokingly say "Hello? Are you listening?". Remember that you just met her 4 months before and forgot she has epilepsy. That was a seizure, although she was perfectly aware of the hand thing. #LFMF PS. she was perfectly fine 5 seconds later, and thankfully found the entire situation hilarious.