xtabbi

(Being an only child) Me: How do you guys have so much extra money, I never see you go to work? ...

Me: I like your apron. Mum: Its [her boyfriend's] but he's usually naked under it. *Shakes bum* ...

(as I walk into the kitchen and see my parents are somewhat hidden by the open freezer) Mom: I C...

Grandma noticed her cat was pregnant Grandma: (yelling and angy) I'm so sick of everybody havi...

Brother: "Why is your tongue so blue?" Me: "Oh, I had a jolli-" Dad: "She saw the Blue Man Grou...

(walks into the room seeing my step-dad Tom watching the moths on the ceiling) Me: What the hell...

Dad:son, did you know an avergae female breast weighs about 3 pounds? Me: no i did not Dad:Do y...

Grandma: Ohhh, a hair dryer for Christmas thanks so much, dear! Me: You're welcome. Grandma: ...

Mom (after I answered "I dont remember" to her question) - Your memory is as long as your penis!

Mom: Do you want some Tylenol? Son: Nah, I took some pills dad gave me. Mom: Did you ask what t...

(Sister is pregnant with third child) Mom says to sister: You're going to end up like that Octop...

(Me and my mom discussing a funny radio story we just heard about a guy with a 14in penis) Me: T...

ME:Mom, all of your friends are kinda stupid. MOM:I would say the same thing about yours, but...

(while shoppong for perfume for my mom and getting a lady who works there to help us) lady: here...

Me: I always wanted a pet moose. Mother: Go to Australia then. That's where all the meese come f...

(At whole foods) Mom: Should we get some oranges here? Dad: Only if they're orgasmic. Me: DAD....

Sister:Can I have some of your poptart? Mom:NO Sister: Sharing is caring! Mom:I already shared...

Grandma: Did I ever tell you about the man who proposed to me before your grandfather? Me: No, i...

(While talking with my mum) Mum: Hang on, I can't hear you, I'm not wearing my glasses Me: ???

*kisses husband* Mom: Don't do that, I know what you do Me: Mom, we're married Mom: That just ...

ME: I've always been into car customization. MOM: Oh like that show ride my pimp? ME: ...?

(on holiday) mom: I would keep an eye out for kidnappers. there's a lot of them around here dad...

(With my mom in a toy shop) Me: Hey mom, watch this! *puts on a Darth Vader helmet* Luke, I am y...

Me: Yeah I went on a date with a guy from the air force... Dad: So thats a marine, a navy man, a...

(Nomming on a carrot) Brother: Deeper, deeper, oh yeah! (laughing at me) Me: Shut up! Mom: OH!...

Me: Is it me, or does it seem like the toaster takes longer to pop when you stare at it? Dad: We...

Dad (Drunk): NITROGEN IS OXYGEN, SCREW SCIENTISTS, THEY'RE ALL LIARS AND FRAUDS!!!

(The day of my wedding rehearsal- My mom is giving me away.) Me- Mom, you can let go. Mom- Nope. ...

[while i was complaining about cramps. btw, being a girl sucks sometimes] Me: Ow. crampscrampscr...

*About to go out to dinner with the family* Me: Grandma, hurry up! We're about to leave! Grandm...