CheezCake

My Dating Nightmare: Guy Was A Holier-Than-Thou Homophobe

  • Simon was super attractive—at first.

    Pattern

    I met Simon at a conference in the tech startup industry. Simon exuded a distinguished air of confidence in his fitted jeans and crisp collared button-up that was pressed to perfection.  I was instantly attracted to him. Little did I know, this asshole would turn out to be a holy homophobe.

    After exchanging business cards and a few emails he invited me out for dinner and drinks one evening in the East Village.

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  • Conversation was flowing, all was good. Until he noticed the cross on my neck.

    Face - #ZOMBIELAND YOU'RE CUTE

    We spent the better part of their hour acquainting one another with the joys and griefs of our jobs at rivaling tech companies and where we ultimately want to see our respective careers in the next few years to come. 

    Simon then noticed the silver cross necklace that was hanging from my neck. 

  • This got him very excited. Too excited.

    Pope - LIVE

    "Are you Catholic?" He inquired. 

    I told him that though it was more of a cultural formality (and because my family is uber f*cking religious ), for all intents and purpose, yes, I was in fact 'Catholic.' 

    Simon was certainly pleased with this information as he proceeded to tell me of all the extra-curricular activities he participated in at his church and his strong desire to raise Catholic children.

    My extra-curricular activities typically involve massive pitchers of Margaritas, but hey, opposites attract, right?

  • I tried changing topics. That backfired. Massively.

    Sky - MOVING ON

    Attempting to turn the conversation to something more secular, I asked Simon how he was enjoying his time in Connecticut, as he only moved here three months prior.

    He mentioned that he was having 'issues' with his roommate. 

    I asked that he elaborate…a decision I eventually regretted.

    Simon revealed that he suspects his roommate suffers from 'SSAS,' which made him terribly uncomfortable.

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  • It bothered him that his roommate was gay. 'Or, SSAS' as he called it.

    News - WHALTHE HELL IS EVEN THAT

    "Oh wow, that sounds awful…

    …what is 'SSAS?' I asked.

    Well, 'SSA' stands for 'same-sex attraction syndrome.'

    "……Umm…so…your roommate is…gay?" I asked, somewhat befuddled. 

    (Another bad decision)

    "NO! No, he is NOT gay," Simon insisted. He then proceeded to tell me about 'SSAS' and what it entails.

  • Aka, 'same-sex attraction syndrome.’ Excuse me?!

    Eyewear - Wait, wait, what?!

    It is basically a 'disease' in which nutty religious people use to 'diagnose' people who are gay in order to convince them that they have a mental illness so they will be willing participants in conversion therapy so that they can be 'saved' and all will be well in the eyes of the Lord. 

    A part of me almost felt sorry for Simon for being brainwashed into such a homophobe. 

  • I painfully attempted to make conversation while I finished the wine...

    Games - ISCREAMING INTERNALLY]

    As far as I was concerned, this date was over, but considering we still had an entire bottle of wine to finish I tried my best to maintain my patience. In an attempt to kill the painfully awkward silence I ask Simon what exactly he was looking for in a partner. 

    He replied with the ubiquitous 'family-oriented,' 'enjoys the outdoors,' yada yada… 

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  • Until he told me he wants to marry a virgin (even though he isn't one).

    Event - THAT THEORY WAS DEFINITELY WRITTEN BY A VIRGIN.

    Oh! And he prefers his wife to be a virgin because he feels that a woman should be pure when she gives herself to her husband, or else 'why wear a white dress?'

    I asked him if he, in fact, still possessed this precious 'V card.' 

    His response?

    "Not exactly."

  • The date finally ended, thank GOD. Then, he sent me this...

    Shoulder

    We ended the date with the mutual understanding (or so I thought) that we would most likely not see each other in a romantic capacity ever again. 

    Simon hopped on the train back to Connecticut and by the time I returned home to my apartment I received this little gem of spiritual enlightenment…

  • Yeah, it's a no from me dude! Good luck with Jesus.

    Hair - #YOUNGERTV NALPRINT IT'S A NO FROM ME

    "I enjoyed the evening with you. I think we are on a little bit of a different track right now when it comes to our faith, but I would still be open to spending more time with you to see if things can move in a positive direction."

    2 Corinthians 1:13

    A Bible verse about sinners finding Jesus. Check it out :)

    That's rich, you holy f*cking homophobe.



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