Top Tumblr Tidbits To Thrill And Entertain You

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andcallmeshirley
Oct 2, 2020 3:38 AM EDT

Are you ready for your weekly dosage of funny Tumblr posts? We've put together this list of highlights from everyone's favorite blogging platform to save you the trouble of searching for them yourself. There's no need to thank us (but you're welcome anyway). Just sit back, relax and enjoy the top Tumblr gems of the week.

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  • 01
    Cartoon - NOT RIGHT NOW, ALFRED THANK YOU. I'M SHOCKED, SIR. AND HERE I WENT AND PREPARED THIS GENEROUS PORTION OF NOTHING. NOW IT WILL ALL GO TO WASTE. ALFRED PENNYWORTH. Batman's butler and right hand man. Rarely shocked. mollykittykat roachpatrol HE THREW THE NOTHING AWAY JUST TO МАКE A F POINT OD
    via Reddit
  • 02
    Text - valerie-an do you ever want to gently float up to someone and whisper "this isn't a debate; i am actually educated on the subject and i'm telling you you're wrong" shantronathon Yes and I would also like to gently float in general. valerie-an this is the most positive addition that has ever been made on my post
    via Reddit
  • 03
    Text - RE tilthat TIL in the story of the Jewish Exodus from Egypt, the Torah uses the singular word tzefardeah for frog, not the plural tzefard'im. Some interpret this as meaning Egypt was plagued by a singular frog. via reddit.com lielith It's a beutiful day on Egypt and you're a terrible frog
    via Reddit
  • 04
    Ceiling - tj-crochets The cow is finally done! This ufo is also a music box; when you pull on the cow, it plays the x-files theme song! ufo-the-truth-is-out-there SCULLY. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
    via Reddit
  • 05
    Text - RE tilthat Follow TIL that Ancient Roman politician Gaius Gracchus had a bounty placed on his head that was equivalent to his head's weight in gold. The head was delivered, but the reward was never paid because it was discovered that his captor removed Gaius' brain and filled his head with molten lead. via ift.tt good-opinion-haver Follow For once l'd like one boring fact about ancient Romans fairy-anon-godmother Follow The thing about the ancient Romans is that they went full throttle at
    via Reddit
  • 06
    Bird - theycantalk Follow theycantalk.com excuse me, do You know how to get to the.. directions cryptid-sighting Follow comics then: funny cat loves lasagna and hates mondays comics now: pigeon experiences a micro-aggression Source: theycantalk
    via Reddit
  • 07
    Text - probablybadrpgideas Feed a person vampire blood, you get a ghoul. Feed an animal vampire blood, you get a hellhound. Water a plant in vampire blood, you get a mandrake. Fill up your car with vampire blood? Probably good things, let's try it. thefingerfu yfemalefury COMING THIS HALLOWEEN FROM SYFY VANPIRE
    via Reddit
  • 08
    Cartoon - A A not-to-be-a-brit-but-tea op delete this now
    via Reddit
  • 09
    Cat - Professor PuddinPop Colonel Snazzypants The Good King Snugglewumps Neutered Neutered Domestic Shorthair/Mix Domestic Shorthair/ Mix Neutered 2 months 2 months Domestic Shorthair /Mix Ozaukee Campus Ozaukee Campus 2 months Ozaukee Campus tastefullyoffensive: Someone at the Wisconsin Humane Society is really good at naming kittens.
    via Reddit
  • 10
    Text - blacksteelgajeel novel about a morally grey pirate captain who is cursed to die within 5 years for stealing some forbidden treasure, and only giving her heart to someone and expecting nothing back can break the curse but rather than go on some journey to find some true love or whatever, she decides to use her last years to travel the seas with her crew and collect treasure and drink and be merry and on the day of reckoning, she is falling more and more ill, and her crew gather all around
    via Reddit
  • 11
    Text - timelordwithoutfear: theotheristhedoctor: xcziel: kabber: So I just woke up and my first thought was "what if in the four horsemen of the apocalypse, pestilence was one of those anti-vax moms?" quite frankly the four white suburban soccer-moms of the apocalypse would scare me way more "All muslims are terrorists you shouldn't hang out with them at school" War "Vaccines cause autism and homosexuality don't get them!" Pestilence "Timothy mustn't eat gluten or calories, carbs will give you c
    via Reddit
  • 12
    Text - worldsworstfather you think being gay is hard??? try telling people youre only attracted to clowns mechalesbian O satyaw narcissism ain't cute sis theres literally no possible response i can make to this where i come out a winner. ive actually never been owned this hard before. i think i legally owe you money now.
    via Reddit
  • 13
    Text - one-time-i-dreamt My middle finger had to be amputated, and I asked the doctors if I could keep it and they were like, 'I mean, yeah. It's your finger, go ahead,' so I took it home and cleaned it until I just had the bones left. Then in clear resin I cast a hand flipping the bird, and placed my bones in the middle finger. It looked sick as hell so I posted it online, where I was doxxed for using real human bones for art even though they were my bones. intp-with-some-friends me: yeah seems
    via Reddit
  • 14
    Text - atlantafive consent through fear is not consent r-grimes let's repeat that again: consent through fear is not consent platonic-suggestion And while we're at it: consent through guilt is not consent either phoenllx Consent through pestering, begging, and pleading is not consent either. angryblackgirlrants THIS!!!
    via Reddit
  • 15
    Text - slbtumblng Devil May Cry 5 features a combat system where the music sounds cooler the better you play, so Journalist are gonna give it terribly reviews, accusing the game of being broken or unfinished, because they will not hear a single song. slbtumblng though the demo lacks the outstanding musical drops DmC built into its combos Like a clockwork.
    via Reddit
  • 16
    Text - wunkolo Follow I had a dream I was able to time travel and I went like 10,20,100,1000,2000 years into the future but the instant I went to 4,000 I got stuck in a time dilation jail set up by the American government in the year 3,877 in which anyone that tried to time travel back or forth across May 23, 3877 while on Earth would end up stuck in this time dilation chamber trap to stop time travelers but like it was so crazy and mismanaged because it was legit capturing like every single tim
    via Reddit
  • 17
    Text - Anonymous said SOS I told the girl I like that I want a butch gf and she said "I'm butch" and I got really flustered and went to go make dinner for us (bc I'm at her place tonight) tenderlesbian uhh are you sure y'all arent on a date right now? tenderlesbian Hi yes you were right I was on a date know how I found out? I was downstairs cooking dinner and she came up from behind me and wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck and when I flushed bright red she asked me why an
    via Reddit
  • 18
    Text - skellydun I told this woman I work with to have a happy birthday tomorrow since she's off and she did a double take before asking me how I knew that. when I first started as their boss I made a note of everyone's birthday so I could get them a card/small gift. I told her that and she stared at me for a few moments before saying "I don't like that. no you don't know my birthday. unknow it" then walked away. so this woman I work with has never been born and I've never met her in my life.
    via Reddit
  • 19
    Text - peachrowan Follow tumblr doms go outside and talk to a human woman challenge sapiens-dominus Follow Human women are like cats; if you approach an unknown one they tend to reflexively scramble away. But if you sit very still and look interesting, one might wander up wanting attention. peachrowan Follow human women are like people actually 12,069 notes
    via Reddit
  • 20
    Text - pukicho Lol Australia doesn't even exist. Aussies are just spicier British people nikokitten what are flavorless British people? pukicho Just normal British people suddenly-shinji what are americans pukicho Cheesy-stuffed British people Source: pukicho
    via Reddit
  • 21
    Community - pawsthomasanderson All 3 generations of Godzilla suit wearers walking down the street together returnofpowerbastard that street must be huge
    via Reddit
  • 22
    Text - afriendandboy make america again. just make it again. let's start over completely. we had a good run but it's time to hit the reset button and try again afriendandboy some thoughts for america 2.0: national anthem is gasolina no founding fathers whatsoever but maybe we give dwayne the rock johnson a mountain statue or two let's do way, way less genocide this time. im thinking definitely like 0% of the genocide from the last time, that seems good maybe more holidays about dogs robotsandfri
    via Reddit
  • 23
    Text - latebarryallen i do sincerely love how DC made up cities all across the us for their superheroes to protect and fight evil in and then marvel was just like 'you know what? f new york'
    via Reddit
  • 24
    Text - gasmaskaesthetic The weirdest instance of "getting my wires crossed" I've ever experienced: I had a piece of candy at my desk. My intention was to simultaneously eat the candy and start a brief work task. I put the candy in my mouth and felt a surge of alarm as was convinced, for a fraction of a second, that I had somehow eaten the task I was about to start.
    via Reddit
  • 25
    Product - Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap trashboat my favourite part of this image is how professionally she is delivering that slap
    via Reddit
  • 26
    Mammal - official-andy-warhol I could never go to Australia because dingos look like normal dogs and I couldn't trust myself not to try to pet them. official-andy-warhol what do you mean these good boys can kill me
    via Reddit
  • 27
    Text - sandersstudies There is something very special about driving around at 3-4 AM. Like, am I up ridiculously late? Am I up ridiculously early? The world may never know. sandersstudies *sees other car* and what the F are you doing up synebluetoo Me driving around at 3:30 AM: tee hee what goblin mischief could I be up to? the world will never know Me seeing another car: DEMON! DEMON!
    via Reddit
  • 28
    Text - thesinisstronginthisone Freud Freud is sometimes referred to as the father of Psychology. Whilst not everyone may like or agree with his ideas, the process of trying to find 'better' ideas than some of his has triggered a huge amount of research within psychology. I love this because it's basically just saying "his ideas were so crazy and awful that it motivated people to try and find any other explanation just to prove him wrong" like, so much research was done with the basis of "I f. g
    via Reddit
  • 29
    Text - inkskinned sometimes i'm like "why am i still here" but then i realize that i'm often the only person who is around to take bad-to-eat stuff out of my dog's mouth and i think there's this sort of western idea of "if youre not CEO youre nothing special" but my dog is still alive bc of me and i'm still alive bc of other people so maybe i'm just here to pet cats and wear sweaters and help people take the glass out of their mouth. you know? maybe i won't be CEO but maybe i'll be able to help
    via Reddit
  • 30
    Text - kaijuno Me: [getting up in the middle of the night to pee] My cat: here comes your special boy!! Where are my kisses from mommy!! Why will you not let me sit on your lap??? WHY will you not let me lay in your pants. I will scream at the top of my lungs to show how unloved I am in this god forsaken household. I can not believe I am forced to live like this. Source: kaijuno 23,062 notes A
    via Reddit
  • 31
    Text - i love how bugs bunny is totally calm as long as everyone leaves him alone but as soon as someone bothers him he's like "ok. now i have to kill him" ori-ebon Follow Bugs Bunny's defining trait is that he never starts sit but ALWAYS finishes it aghosttriestheinternet Someone: *messes with Bugs Bunny* Bugs Bunny: God can't help you now.
    via Reddit
  • 32
    Text - straightedgehancock Ok am I, stupid or do a fair portion of the lyrics to Kiss From A Rose just not make any sense at all straightedgehancock Why do your eyes get "larger" when it snows. What the fk is a gray. Seal. Seal I am talking to you. Seal. straightedgehancock ARTIST Seal 3,911 [In I have avoided explaining these lyrics for Ba over 25 years. I am not going to start Ba doing it now. Ba this is hilarious actually. Source:straightedgehancock 44,689 notes ...
    via Reddit
  • 33
    Text - pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird Tracking Service, as helpfully as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today! Me, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: pakige thegreekgamer Me opening my apartment door anytime I hear the outside door open despite it being 10AM: Böx? i-sinfulsound envelööp?
    via Reddit
  • 34
    Text - edderkopper Today I learned that cuttlefish experience REM sleep, and that it makes their skin flash random colors. This is the cutest thing ever. blackbearmagic The electric eel at my aquarium has a voltmeter attached to his tank, and whenever he pumps out a burst of electricity-either when he's navigating his tank or getting fed-the meter lights up and makes noise. Sometimes, l'll walk past him when he's snuggled up and totally motionless on his log, and see the voltmeter going crazy. I
    via Reddit
  • 35
    Text - teaboot Follow "I was unhappy with my service, and I will not be coming back!" Cool. Don't teaboot Follow "Be sure to pass my complaint along to management." I won't. In fact, I'm going to tell him you left a compliment. Eat ass teaboot Follow "You've lost a customer!" No. No, I wouldn't call this a loss teaboot Follow Ma'am I know this may come as a shock to you but the reason you're unhappy everywhere you go is because every time you go somewhere, you are there. And I can sympathize. Be
    via Reddit
  • 36
    Text - swuggle HOW BIG WERE CLIFFORDS FI PARENTS TO HAVE A PUPPY 50ft HIGH FORGET KING KONG GET ROVER TO STOP HUMPING THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING kanayastrider he started off as one of the smallest puppies ever born and the "love" from Emily made him grow like 5 stories the question isn't how big cliffords parents were but rather how have Emily's parents not taken her to the Xavier institute For Gifted Youngsters because clearly she's a mutant salt-sass-and-lyrium If Emily's love made Clifford gro
    via Reddit
  • 37
    Text - E vampireapologist college professor just said "you're probably too young to even remember this" and brought up something that happened in 2011 light-em-up-benzedrine Follow Better than my professer that said we'd "probably recognize this from Saturday morning cartoons" then showed us a cartoon from 1935... aluminumapples Follow New immortal vs. old immortal Source: vampireapologist 2,42,777 n...
    via Reddit
  • 38
    Text - dragon-in-a-fez y'all wanna see a photo of my shrimp I'm pretty sure I just caught speaking directly to god dragon-in-a-fez dragon-in-a-fez why tf do y'all keep tagging this "shrimp heaven now" 49,785 notes
    via Reddit
  • 39
    Text - richiessneakers so today in my geography class the kid that sits next to me wasn't there. so about five minutes into class and the door swings open and the kid comes in and our teacher goes "you're late" but the kid doesn't answer and just trudges miserably up to the teachers desk and slides a note across to him. so my teacher opens up the note and reads it aloud and it says: "my best friend dared me to talk in only crazy frog quotes for the whole day and I was too stubborn to say no." an
    via Reddit
  • 40
    Text - EH curseworm finally cured myself of the curse of memory and now i can touch the burners on the stove as many times as i want with all the excitement of new discoveries and none of the knowledge of upcoming pain lizardsister #the us election cycle
    via Reddit
  • 41
    Text - my mom texted me this morning to let me know she and my dad have recently been adopted by this parliament of overprotective owls critical-perspective The Council has gathered. sushinfood they watch
    via Reddit
  • 42
    Text - vampireapologist I don't hang out with white dudes who use mustache wax anymore bc it's only a matter of time b4 they fall in love with me and find out I'm gay and write a song on their.idk..their fh harpsichord or banjo or ukulele about the girl from the forest who broke their heart but also they don't even like hiking vampireapologist i know this seems oddly specific & that's bc it is vampireapologist 3 times
    via Reddit
  • 43
    Selfie - "Tried to take some photos of an octopus, but he grabbed the camera and took some of me instead." transparasite: tastefullyoffensive: (photos by Bill Watterson and an octopus) I think this is the best scientist photograph I have ever seen.
    via Reddit
  • 44
    Text - writing-prompt-s You have the ability to freeze time and explore the world while it's frozen. As far as you know, no one else has this power. One day, while you are wandering through your frozen school, you notice that something is following you. eevee3377 Its called a shadow writing-prompt-s You think you are clever huh? *cries*
    via Reddit
  • 45
    Text - pteapotdactyl weareallfromearth Follow ... neyruto Follow a shallow and pretentious male narrator whos supposed to fall in love with a manic pixie girl takes a wrong turn, and bumps into another shallow and pretentious male narrator, they fall in love instead just-sort-of-happened Follow fight club Source: neyruto
    via Reddit
  • 46
    Photo caption - illspeakfrenchbetweenurlegs • Follow 1+)= Tube beatrixkiddoxxx "My dad teaching math in Southern California (late 70s/early 80s)" A bowiebarbie literally the only math class i would ever look forward to
    via Reddit
  • 47
    Text - mithrilwren SYNONYMS FOR blood juice thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for
    via Reddit
  • 48
    Text - katy-l-wood Today at work a girl at my register was heatedly explaining to her mother that wearing a dinosaur costume to her school's decades day was, in fact, perfectly acceptable because her teachers did not specify any particular decades. smallest-feeblest-boggart the kids are alright Source: katy-l-wood
    via Reddit
  • 49
    Text - glumshoe Follow Everyone loves polite villains to contrast with brash and sarcastic heroes, but consider the dynamic of polite villains clashing with equally well-mannered heroes. It's very good. Very civil. Very alienating to everyone around them. aprilslady Follow "You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you" "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die" 59.677 notes
    via Reddit

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