CheezCake

Your Nonsense Christmas Horoscopes (December 20 - December 27)

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.



Posted by abbyadler
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  • Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

    Text - Text - no Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Wishing you a merry little birthday month, Capricorn! Treat yourself with all the goodies your heart desires this holiday season, because men under the mistletoe ain't sh*t.
    Via cheezcake
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  • Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

    Text - Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) They say it's the most wonderful time of the year, and you're just rolling in that holiday spirit! You're also literally rolling due to the narcotics your friends surprised you with in your Christmas socks.
    Via cheezcake

  • Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)

    Text - Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) TAY Your relaxing recluse energy may be destroyed when a mediocre hookup buddy. An old flame drunkenly serenades you with "Baby, It's Cold Outside" from outside your window. Don't let him in.
    Via cheezcake

  • Aries (March 21 - April 19)

    Text - Aries (March 21 April 19) Do like Mean Girls and whip out your sluttiest Santa costume because Christmas is the one night a year where a girl could dress up as a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it- wait, wrong holiday.
    Via cheezcake
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  • Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

    Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Dammit, Santa, could ya hook a girl up this year?! Someone unexpected might just meet you under the mistletoe while Justin Bieber's "Mistletoe" plays magically in the background to set the mood. a.
    Via cheezcake

  • Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

    Text - Gemini (May 21 June 20) There's no better time to get faded than this in this spectacular shiny Hallmark moment. Deck the halls with hoes and Molly, hit the blazing Juul before us - that's how the song goes, right?
    Via cheezcake

  • Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

    Text - Cancer (June 21.- July 22) You'll be spending the holidays caroling around town, volunteering as one of Santa's elves at a children's hospital, and overall being a damn good Samaritan. Slow down, and chill the f*ck out in honor of the most wonderful time of the year.
    Via cheezcake
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  • Leo (July 23 - August 22)

    Text - Leo (Juty 23 August 22) Christmas songs are an excuse to let your attention whore tendencies flourish by inviting all the homies over for a holiday- themed karaoke night. Perhaps that glow-up guy friend will finally get the hint when you lock eyes with him while belting out "All I Want for Christmas is You?"
    Via cheezcake

  • Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

    Text - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22).. Why wait till New Years when you could already start a clean slate during this fun, festive holiday? This chilly winter season, call up your chillest friends, aka the ones that have the party favors hookup.
    Via cheezcake

  • Libra (September 23 - October 22)

    Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22), For some peace, light, and a sprinkle of free love this holiday season, invite some yoga class buddies for a group meditation session and in-depth sexuality discussion, accommodated by eucalyptus and lavender candles, incense. Santa would be proud.
    Via cheezcake
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  • Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

    Text - m. Scörpio (Oct 23 -Nov 21). It may be cuffing season, but you're all about hookup season. You have all the hookup apps downloaded, you're posting all the thirst traps, and you're inviting all your old hookup buddies to your Christmas party. Have yourselfa merry little Christmas, you naughty minx!
    Via cheezcake

  • Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

    Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) This holiday season, you intend to be the gift. Whatever is on his list, you'll do it. Slutty Santa's Helper? Rudolph the Raunchy Reindeer? Christmas Tree Gone Wild? Ride that sleigh to town, girl!
    Via cheezcake

Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor and more videos on our TikTok @cheezcaked 


 

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abbyadler zodiac astrology memes astrology star signs nonsense horoscope cheezcake horoscopes zodiac signs star sign women

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