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There's No Road to Recovery From These 26 Savage, Silencing Comebacks

Straight up smoky in this room right now from all these roastings. There's a great much to be said for the witty comeback-spewing cretins out there that can think on their feet, and maintain their cool in the fiery face of a pestilent shithead that just has it in for them, on any given day. 

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  • 1
    Text - When I was 7, I was at a crowded McDonalds near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line waiting to order food and accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice 'Well excuuuuse me." to which my 7 year old self instantly responded: "Why, did you fart?" A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a 7 year old. To this day, I have no idea why I
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  • 2
    Text - My favorite: Guy loves to taunt his coworker about his rapidly receding hairline. He runs a hand over coworker's bald head and says "Feels just like my wife's ass." Bald coworker runs a hand over his own head and says "My God, so it does."
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  • 3
    Movie - #OH SHIT
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  • 4
    Text - My uncle once saw my mother and said "well your hair has more gray in it" and she said "if I wanted to hear from an asshole, T would have farted"
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  • 5
    Text - Background I had my son when I was 15, he's now 16 doing well lots of extracurricular activities, excellent grades, an all around great kid. He's especially stoked about a cooking class he's taking right now. I botched dinner the other night and he starts flipping me shit and then asks if I regret not taking cooking class in high school. I look at him dead pan and tell him "no, but I'm regretting not taking heath class in middle school"
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  • 6
    Text - I was playing wingman for a friend one night at a bar (it was about 2003). My friend often opened conversation by telling people he was in the Air Force. That set the stage for military innuendos an one-liners like the following: "I have a weapon of mass destruction in my pants." He said this to a girl he was trying to pick up. Since I'm a bad wingman, l couldn't resist blurting out: "And much like the ones in Iraq, nobody can seem to find it." Ruined his game for the night.
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  • 7
    Text - Said by a skinny dude to a guy harassing him. "i used to fuck guys like you in prison." The way he said it made you really believe he had...
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  • 8
    Event
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  • 9
    Text - Sprayed an ex girlfriend with a squirt gun and she immediately fired back with "6 months of dating and this is the first time you got me wet" There is no comeback for that.
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  • 10
    Text - In high school I found out that I share my birthday with both the beacon of manliness Steve McQueen and legendary illusionist Harry Houdini. I got excited, insisting that this coincidence meant I must share some of their defining characteristics. In response to this idea, my older sister suggested... "Well, that would certainly account for your rapidly vanishing masculinity."
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  • 11
    Text - Apparently this happened to a friend of mine once. He was at the gym working out. He was in the locker room and a guy he knew came out of the shower and started flexing naked in front of the mirror. Friend started to laugh at the ridiculous scene of naked, flexing guy. Guy says to my friend "What? You never seen a real man before?" Friend replies, "No, but it's been awhile since i've seen a baby's dick."
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  • 12
    Text - This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great"
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  • 13
    Text - Middle school.. Fake bitch: Does it bother you that nobody likes you? Geeky kid: Does it bother you that your face doesn't match the color of your neck? Hardest I've ever seen a teacher laugh
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  • 14
    Text - At a country music festival being drunk as walking back to our camper for a quick afternoon nap with my missus pink cowboy hat on. Three guys walking up to the festival and one yells out "nice hat does your boyfriend know you have it?" Instant reply of "I can stand the shit if you can stand pain" then winked at him at him. He dropped his head whilst the other guys ragged on him until out of earshot.
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  • 15
    Text - Angry co-worker: "Fuck you, you never admit when you're wrong" Me: "Sure I do, I thought you knew what you were doing, I was wrong about that"
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  • 16
    Text - My buddy told me this one that happened back in middle school. There was this huge douche who's mom had recently gone to prison for tax evasion or something. Anyway, this douche walks over to my friend (they despised each other) and just out of nowhere calls him fat, to which my friend instantly and stoically replies:"it's because my mom is home to cook dinner."
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  • 17
    Text - My friends mom works in a jail, and they had a black woman who would not stop calling the authorities crackers. The woman is told if she says the word cracker one more time she is getting detained or something like that. "Alright fine, Saltine American." slow clap
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  • 18
    Text - Someone told a story on Reddit once about a kid in, like, grade 5 who was being heckled by his classmates when one of them shouted the golden classic, "Why are you so fat?" And before the teacher could jump in he snapped back, "Because everytime I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie" I believe it has achieved urban legend status.
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  • 19
    Text - On my way home on the bus, this big guy hops in, looks 30 at least. When about to pay the fare, he shows his student card for the discount. The bus driver, kinda pissed about charging student fare to the big guy asks "what does mommy tell you?" Big guy answers "study son, you don't wanna end up driving a bus."
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  • 20
    Text - My mom used to own a hair salon right next to a bar. One night she and a lady who worked for her were closing up the salon and walking in the parking lot and a drunk guy yelled, "Hey baby, why don't you come over here and sit on my face?" My mom's employee didn't miss a beat and said, "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?" He was not pleased.
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  • 21
    Text - |In junior high school our bus driver told a kid he was going to kick him off the bus. Rhetorically, the bus driver asked him how he would get to school then. The kid immediately replied "I'll ride your wife to school."
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  • 22
    Text - My little brother used to live near foxboro, and worked in the local BestBuy. The day after fumbling twice in a game Steven Ridley walls in to get a new phone. With no hesitation he blurts out "You drop that too?" greatly upsetting ridley. He lost his previous job at a gas station by warning a midget that the Marlboro he was buying would stunt his growth. I think post college life is gonna be rough on him.
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  • 23
    Facial expression
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  • 24
    Text - I've posted this before but a buddy who works in an inner city school once heard one student say to another student "If I had a nickel for every stupid thing you said, I'd beat the fuck out of you with a pillow bag full of nickels." Brutal
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  • 25
    Text - |My ex and I used to joke around. A lot almost too much. One day he told me that |my name in his phone was hoe #1 or side |chick - something dumb. I then replied with |'wow I don't even have you saved in my phone.
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  • 26
    Text - In high school this guy was trying to sound all big and impressive, and was obsessed with the size of his genitals. As in, would CONSTANTLY talk about it. We'll on our senior trip, he finally started directly telling me "how's that tic tac dick, huh? Little tic tac dick?" and without looking up from my phone, I said "ah, well that explains why your mom and sisters breath is so fresh"
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  • 27
    Text - I worked in a Tim Hortons when I was 15, and this guy Mackenzie was working the till and I was pouring the coffees. So this dude and his girl come up, and she says she just wants a small coffee. Boyfriend cuts her off, and basically says the equivalent of ignore her get her a large. She's clearly embarrassed, and says she really only wants a small. Boyfriend calls her an idiot (not in a teasing way, like straight up called her an idiot) and told us not to pay attention to her and told her
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  • 28
    Text - In boot camp, one of my fellow recruits was the Recruit Chief Petty Officer; the one selected to be "in charge" of the rest of us and report to our RDC's. He was a real arrogant douche that wasn't really well liked by most of us. One day he was bragging that he'd lost his virginity when he was 11 years old. My response: "So you were an altar boy?" Cue the laughter from everyone within earshot while he said "I'm Presbyterian you dick!" before walking away all pissed off.
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  • 29
    Text - At a convenience store Nasty woman was rude to the Old Guy at counter. Some cool dude: "Hey, there's no need for that" Woman: "Mind your own F'n business" Dude: "I'm a veterinarian and bitches are my business"
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