AITA : Husband of 42 Years Comes Out as Trans to Entire Family Without Warning Wife and Kids, Emotional Turmoil Ensues

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elina lee
Apr 10, 2023 12:00 PM EDT

Life is a journey that takes us down unexpected roads, and sometimes, those roads can lead us to discover many new truths about ourselves we could have never imagined. After all, life is all about embracing who we are and what we stand for in this lifetime. For some, that journey may be discovering your inner self, and for others, undergoing surgeries. To each their own, but as long as everyone is happy - that's all that matters. 

See, that's another thing you have to acknowledge while on your journey to yourself. Your happiness should not be the cause of someone else's misery and vice versa. And that brings us to today's story about a trans woman that left her wife and children to pursue a life as a woman. The only thing is, no one really knew she was feeling like a woman in the first place. Anyway, a lot to unpack here… have a read for yourself and comment your thoughts below! We love reading your opinions. 

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  • 01
    Font - Posted by u/Uncle DylanOBrien 1 day ago AITA for blowing up at my uncle for coming trans? out as
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 02
    Rectangle - The title is very.... but there's a good explanation.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 03
    Font - My uncle (64) has been married for 42 years and has 4 kids. Her and her wife have been separated for a few months but, are still "trying to sort out their differences."
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 04
    Font - Every year around March, the whole family holds a sort of Spring banquet. Due to their separation my uncle and her wife arrived, well, separately. My uncles wife arrived first with the kids. Not long after my uncle showed up. She was wearing a full face of makeup, and a dress. At first everyone thought it was some kind of joke and started laughing but, soon realized it wasn't. When we sat down for dinner she fully came out and said she identified as woman now. My uncles wife almost immedi
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 05
    Font - Now here's where it gets interesting. My uncle has expressed "not feeling like a man" to some of the family (including me). It was why we pushed for her to get a divorce. When they got separated, we thought my uncle had finally told her, come to find out she did not.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 06
    Font - Back to the dinner table. My uncles wife and son had run out and the youngest was in hysterics. So, I lashed out. It wasn't the smartest thing to do looking back but, I told her she was a selfish piece of shit and if she thought anyone was proud, she'd been snorting too much coke. She left immediately.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 07
    Font - A few days ago, my mother called me and and said I'd taken it too far and that my uncle wasn't responding to anyone's calls or texts.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 08
    Font - I know I was a bit harsh but, it wasn't the right place or time to reveal that. Especially when she hadn't told her wife and kids. For everyone to know something like this was up, except for her, I honestly feel terrible for my uncles wife.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 09
    Font - This is a 64 year old we're talking about, to come out that way after so long. I love my uncle. My uncle was the first person to teach me how to ride a bike, drive but this is just...
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 10
    Font - I think I could've been more sensitive so, AITA.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 11
    Font - Edit: Seen a few comments about this so, I quickly wanna say, she said she was fine with using uncle/ dad etc but wanted to be referred to as she/her and her new name. Edit 2: This is not written the best but, her wife and kids didn't know.
    via u/UncleDylanOBrien
  • 12
    Font - Pesec1 1 day ago Asshole Aficionado [17] NTA. This is not the kind of thing that you keep secret from your spouse and kids and then suddenly hit them with it in a public setting. Your comment was indeed inappropriate, but I would excuse you given shock of realizing that this was a surprise for spouse and kids as well.
    via u/Pesec1
  • 13
    Font - Mmoct 1 day ago ● The op was harsh, but I agree NTA. The uncle was beyond disrespectful to her wife of over 40 yrs and the kids they share. I imagine it took a lot of courage for the wife to show up. She's was likely struggling with a huge life change after 40+ years. The uncle was not only disrespectful but also selfish. She owed it to her wife and kids to tell them the truth way before this family get together
    via u/Mmoct
  • 14
    Font - econdonetired. 1 day ago OPs sentiment was right but approach was wrong. So the wife went around for 3 months having no idea why they were separated. That is just beyond cruel then to announce it. This is like farcically bad communication.
    via u/econdonetired
  • 15
    Font - SunDroppity 1 day ago. edited 1 day ago ESH (Meaning you & uncle) - I am inclined to agree with you that this was not the appropriate time and place for her to come out to wife & kids, but at the same time why was it your place to lash out?
    via u/SunDroppity
  • 16
    Font - ETA - Everyone here is saying Y.T.A and I get that. I agree with commentors who say you are never too old or young to come out. I agree with commentors who say that you do not get to dictate when others come out. I hope it's not taken as transphobic when I say that I DO think that she had an obligation to give wife & children this information before coming out to the extended family. It's 42 years of marriage, 4 children. Many trans people chose not
    via u/SunDroppity
  • 17
    Font - to have spouses and children even though they remained in the closet. It's literally in this case not just about her. Her immediate family, while they should be supportive, deserved the opportunity to process this without the involvement of the wider group.
    via u/SunDroppity
  • 18
    Font - Araucaria2024 . 1 day ago Partassipant [1] Why should the immediate family have to be supportive? This is a huge life changing situation - the wife has been lied to for years, the children are going to be upset that dad now expects to be mum. They have every right to be angry, and telling them that they have to be supportive and all 'yay go you, live your truth' when they have dropped a major bombshell into the family life is unfair and dismissive of their right to their own feelings.
    via u/Araucaria2024
  • 19
    Facial expression - lolinfi 1 day ago ● "I can support who you are, but I can't support what you did."
    via u/lolinfi
  • 20
    Font - Rhomya 1 day ago Certified Proctologist [26] That still doesn't explain why their immediate family has to be supportive. I would not be supportive of someone who lied to me for decades and destroyed my life in every way in any capacity
    via u/Rhomya
  • 21
    Font - EffOffReddit 1 day ago Oh sure come out as trans 40 years ago, how simple is that.
    via u/EffOffReddit
  • 22
    Font - SuperPipouchu. 1 day ago Not necessarily lied to. Uncle may have "not felt like a man", but didn't realise she was trans, and may not have accepted it yet, and only recently figured it all out. These things can take a long time sometimes.
    via u/SuperPipouchu
  • 23
    Font - bebearaware. 1 day ago OP doesn't have to be supportive but they also don't get to lash out, that makes it worse.
    via u/bebearaware
  • 24
    Font - ResistSpecialist4826 1 day ago NTA. Her wife and kids deserved to be told this information privately and BEFORE being ambushed in front of the entire family where they weren't free to have an authentic reaction or time to try to process any of this.
    via u/ResistSpecialist4826
  • 25
    Font - It's not transphobic to have a hard time learning that your husband and father is now a woman seemingly out of the blue with no prior discussion. It's bordering on crazy to expect uncles wife and kids to just roll with this in a family dinner with no advanced knowledge. Sub in any other major change for gender and people would be calling the uncle a major asshole.
    via u/ResistSpecialist4826
  • 26
    Font - These are children and spouse we are talking about, not a coworker or a friend from pickle ball. What they are owed is much greater than the average person-and this wasn't it.
    via u/ResistSpecialist4826
  • 27
    Font - BabyCake2004 - 1 day ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] As a trans person completely agreed.
    via u/BabyCake2004
  • 28
    Font - Although, I do think that potentially OP may have reacted in an AH way. From what they said, it sounded more like their attack could have come off as straight up transphobia "we will never accept you" then a "you really fucked up how you did this." Even though their anger is justified, I think they should maybe apologize for the word choice they used and restate what they actually meant.
    via u/BabyCake2004

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lgbtq family drama LGBT kids emotional wife relationships husband transgender
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