'I'm 45 and still can't tell the time with an analog clock': 35 Captivating confessions that could only be told anonymously

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Aug 6, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

Share your most secret-y secrets with us…we promise we won't tell! Well actually, if you tell your secrets to @fesshole, they'll tell everyone. But your secrets will be anonymous — no one will ever know it's you. 

Every day, people from around the world submit their most private secrets to the @fesshole account. These secrets range from tiny to life-shattering, so it's always an interesting read! This week, we've scoured the page for the craziest, funniest, and most intriguing posts. 

Even when you're submitting your secret anonymously, some posts have enough identifying details that if the right person stumbled across it, it could change everything. I wonder if people who confess things about their spouses ever get caught — for example, the person who says they try to see how long they can go between showers until their wife catches on. One, that's nasty. Two, that person's wife is totally going to know it's them if she finds the post! 

Other folks have confessions about sneaky ways they got back at irritating neighbors or fooled their kids or spouses. My personal favorites are often people who still feel guilty about minor offenses that took place years ago. One person who double-voted in a minor election years ago still thinks about it often, and wrote in to finally cleanse themselves of their sins. 

Next up, this person's boss just could not understand why he and his coworker had staggered their schedules — so the boss demanded an immediate change. 

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  • 01
    Cloud - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I wish i hadn't have lied to my girlfriend to try to impress her - she now wants to go to my castle in Scotland.
    via Crawford Jolly on Unsplash
  • 02
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I used to work for a well known national steak restaurant, the steaks were delivered frozen if we hadn't lifted enough out to defrost then we used to pop them through the dishwasher for a cycle to defrost then slap it on the grill.
    via @fesshole
  • 03
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
    via @fesshole
  • 04
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My partner's family have an ongoing feud with the owners of a local cafe, but it has amazing sandwiches. I have a secret lunch there every week but they can never know.
    via @fesshole
  • 05
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I carry my old bank card when travelling on the bus. I never pay for the bus. Always act shocked when it doesn't work and try it again until the driver just lets me on.
    via @fesshole
  • 06
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Went home from a club with the most gorgeous bloke ever. What a disappointment when I saw a signed picture of James Corden on the wall. Left straight away.
    via @fesshole
  • 07
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I'm a primary teacher. At the end of every school year, I play David Tennant's Doctor Who regeneration music. I like to pretend I'm turning into a new teacher and starting fresh every summer.
    via @fesshole
  • 08
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My sister just broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years. I think I'm as upset as her. They met when I was 10, so he was a brother to me. We had to remove any trace of him, photos etc from the house. I'll probably never see him again. I cried last night thinking about it.
    via @fesshole
  • 09
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Wanted to get my watch repaired but they would have to send it off to Italy to repair and said it would take 3 weeks to come back. Thought that was too long so will sort elsewhere, so it sat in my drawer for 8 months before I actually sorted it.
    via @fesshole
  • 10
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I run a successful business that repairs specialist equipment used in manufacturing. I have no technical or engineering qualifications at all. My dad taught me 20 years ago. People only want to see your certificates when you mess up. Don't mess up.
    via @fesshole
  • 11
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I'm 45 and still can't tell the time with an analog clock. I'm a chartered engineer.
    via @fesshole
  • 12
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Years ago my friend was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I was his phone a friend for the £16,000 question. The week before he had shouted at my dog for little to no reason. I deliberately gave him the wrong answer.
    via @fesshole
  • 13
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I voted twice at a General Election in the late 80s. I voted at my university in the morning, got a train home in the afternoon and voted at my parents in the evening. Neither of my candidates won. I was terrified of being found out for years.
    via @fesshole
  • 14
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I sometimes see how many days I can go without a shower before my wife notices. 4 is the record so far. It wasn't smell that gave me away, it was my slightly matted hair.
    via @fesshole
  • 15
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole As a teen, my love told me he liked the smell of my hair. We are now 40 & married to others & I won't change my shampoo in case we bump into each other again.
    via @fesshole
  • 16
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole The field at the back of my house is full of kids playing football. One of the miserable older lot round here puts huge concrete blocks too big for the kids to move in the goal mouth. I've been moving them for months on my dog walk.
    via @fesshole
  • 17
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When working in a newsagents years ago, if a customer paid with exact money I'd cancel the transaction and pocket the money once they'd left. The stock would be down but the till would balance. Made a fortune
    via @fesshole
  • 18
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I work as an auditor for a call insurance company. The audits we do are supposed to be randomised but instead we all just try find the weirdest name and audit them.
    via @fesshole
  • 19
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I buy a meal deal, I purposefully buy the three most expensive items so I feel like I've got the best deal possible. Sometime I don't even like it.
    via @fesshole
  • 20
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When we separated, my husband refused to move out. He continued to put his dirty designer t-shirts in the laundry hamper for me to wash. I just charity shopped them.
    via @fesshole
  • 21
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole In 2005 I worked a boring job and over a few months I made up a load of trivia about a particular movie and posted it on imdb. Nearly 20 years later most of it's still there, and I've heard my guff about this movie repeated as fact quite a few times on podcasts, youtube etc.
    via @fesshole
  • 22
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... I wish i hadn't have lied to my girlfriend to try to impress her - she now wants to go to my castle in Scotland.
    via @fesshole
  • 23
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Going through early stages of separation. I regularly go out after kid's bedtime. Wife probably thinks I'm meeting someone, in reality, I drive to a nearby hill and watch airplanes coming in to land. So at peace with my marriage ending
    via @fesshole
  • 24
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My neighbour has loads of solar string lights that flash away all night. I hate them. She is wondering why they've all stopped working and i heard her say she can't work out why. I do. I sneaked into her garden when she was out. I put black tape over all the sensor panels.
    via @fesshole
  • 25
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Asked some friends and family for some fake reviews on Google to kick start my business. Dad first to review with the glowing "absolutely fine". Thanks Dad.
    via @fesshole
  • 26
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as "Alan's friend".
    via @fesshole
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When my mate's bit on the side told him she was going round to his house later that evening to tell his wife everything, he paid me £50 to let myself into his house and play the part of "wife", whilst he took actual wife out for the night. It worked a treat.
    via @fesshole
  • 28
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I steal every Jack of Clubs from all packs of cards I come across. Family, friends, holidays, pubs etc. I only do this because I accidentally did it when I was 7 and decided to make a collection. I'm now 38 and can't stop. 154 and counting. I've done so much damage.
    via @fesshole
  • 29
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Back in my school days, I used to "eat onions like apples" for £20. People could smell me coming for weeks but it was easy money.
    via @fesshole
  • 30
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... A landscape gardener's van cut me up and the driver shouted a load of abuse. A few weeks later I got him to price up two months' worth of work at my property, gave him the job, then cancelled the night before to make sure he'd turned down all other work. Enjoy your time off mate
    via @fesshole
  • 31
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Whilst working in a pub, I accidentally left Pulp's This is Hardcore playing on repeat for two days. Due to this, the song now automatically plays every single time the set playlist runs out, two years after the fact. I consider this my legacy.
    via @fesshole
  • 32
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Dad's confession but when I was a child my dad used to make me go into B&Q and swap a broken lightbulb with a brand new one. If I ever got caught I'd sat i brought it from home to check sizes. Thanks Dad.
    via @fesshole
  • 33
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I am so lazy that to this day I still have my 8ft tall, fully decorated, Christmas tree on. I have even stopped inviting friends over and feel ashamed like a hoarder.
    via @fesshole
  • 34
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I am very proud of the reviews I've left online for products and services and will often read them back to myself when I'm bored. Most have had no engagement whatsoever and I'm pretty sure nobody else gives a toss
    via @fesshole
  • 35
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Got a tattoo at 17 to shock my mum. She told me it's s and if I wanted to get one she would have sent me to a decent artist. My mum is right. Won't tell her that though
    via @fesshole
  • 36
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I'm so addicted to my phone I can't even watch a film or TV program without reaching for it. The only way not to get distracted is to watch Netflix on my phone and turn my new 75inch TV off.
    via @fesshole

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confessions anonymous secret kids spouse secrets confession business funny weird hidden
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