Entitled Wife Refuses to go Back to Work Despite Her Daughter Being in Daycare Full-Time

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Aug 18, 2023 3:00 PM EDT

The question of how to split work, housework, and childcare is one that has plagued couples for generations. We all know that the 1950s model was for a husband to work outside of the home and a wife to do the housework and the childcare. From what I've seen in films satirizing this time period, that model didn't work great for either party. The wife would feel resentful that her husband didn't contribute enough around the house, and the husband would be irritated that his wife was financially dependent upon him. It's just a bad situation all around. 

This stereotype of 50s married life doesn't mean that one working partner and one homemaker partner can't work. However, there needs to be a nearly equal balance of responsibility, otherwise, the marriage will become a breeding ground for resentment. One husband took to Reddit because his wife wasn't pulling her weight, and the people of Reddit couldn't help but agree with him. 

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  • 01
    Human body - r/AmltheAsshole u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987 22h AITA for telling my wife she no longer has an excuse to not work?
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 02
    Font - My wife and I had our first child two years ago, a beautiful little girl. My wife and I agreed that her being a SAHM was worth it, and I can sustain the household on my income. I started to notice about a year in she was getting overwhelmed and asked what I could to help. She claimed to be fine, but I started to price around childcare options. Spoke with, friends, family, and colleagues looking for any suggestions, recommendations, and resources. That is when my boss told me our job has c
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 03
    Font - Awesome! I start the paperwork, get the approval, and got put on a waitlist. I brought it up with my wife we toured the place with our daughter she loved it. About 4 months a spot opened up, and our daughter is now in daycare. It is run in the same office building I work at, so it is super convenient I drop her off when I head to work and pick her up when I leave. Perfect!
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 04
    Font - Here is where the issue arrives, my wife is not doing anything. We split the household chores. That is how it was in my family growing up and I find cleaning and cooking relaxing. So I am fine with it. That being said my wife has not done much with her day since our daughter started daycare. I understand adjustments take time, that being said the original agreement was for her to be a SAHM, with our daughter in daycare not being rude staying home to be a mom is not happening. I brought up
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 05
    Font - This may have been a miscalculation on my part, but I figured I am in this deep let's see it to the end. She gave me a glare of death and tried to change the subject. I kindly interjected, not trying to push you but practically speaking I told her that she has no excuse to not be working. This was my tactical error she blew up. Thankfully, during this daughter was at my parent's house so she did hear or see the yelling. We went back and forth using the classic lines from both sides of the
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 06
    Font - The comment about cheating was not a threat, she was using the fact the wives of my coworkers get to be home even though their kids are also in daycare. I pointed out that the husbands are cheating on them. My coworkers' situation is skewed, they have found it is more beneficial to stay together from the wives' side. We live in a state where spousal support has caps and does not matter how many years you were married before. Husbands stick around cause the status quo is just easier. It wa
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 07
    Font - Edit: Please it was not meant as a threat, she had envy of other families she knows and wanted what they had. I just told her the truth about what was hiding behind their walls. It was not me saying I would cheat, just me saying the life she is envying is not all sunshine and rainbows. The wives she sees are paying a price that she was unaware of and I know she does not want to pay.
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 08
    Font - She was also a software engineer. She was 100% on board, and I confirmed with her if she was okay with the daycare options, and if not that is perfectly okay. She does not have any mental health issues I am aware of. I have suggested she does speak with her doctor but that is something she has to do, I cannot force her. She did enjoy her line of work or at the very least that is what she told me.
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 09
    Font - I also agree with the things said did not have to be said and that it was not a proper way to handle the situation. Just wanted to clarify that I have no intention or thought of cheating. It was simply a response to her asking why she cannot have what she sees my coworkers wives have.
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 10
    Font - KronkLaSworda • 22h Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [315] ΝΤΑ She wants you to take on the 1950s role as sole provider for the family but finds the role of 1950s house wife insulting. She can't have her cake and eat it, too. She either does 80%+ of the household chores or she gets a job. 26.3k
    via u/KronkLaSworda
  • 11
    Font - mossydial 21h I am a woman and would expect my spouse to do AT LEAST 90% of house and kids if I was only one working full-time. They were happier working and we split chores and kids went to daycare. ... 10k 10k
    via u/mossydial
  • 12
    Font - Automatic_Metal_4969 • 21h It doesn't take 8 hours a day to keep a house maintained. This isn't the 1920s. All housework. Period. ... 5.9k
    via u/Automatic_Metal_4969
  • 13
    Font - River_Song47. 20h Partassipant [1] Especially if the children are in daycare. 3.6k
    via u/River_Song47
  • 14
    Font - hinky-as-hell • 20h Only if they are. It's not fair to be a SAHP and be responsible for 100% of the house as well. I'm 43/f a SAHP and always have been. My 46/m husband has always provided 100% financially, but helps with the kids and house. It's more my responsibility, but he always helps and he just does, I don't have to fight. 43.7k ↓
    via u/hinky-as-hell
  • 15
    Font - lazy_goth 21h This. Gender doesn't come into it, if one person in the relationship doesn't work and childcare isn't required, they do the household chores. If household chores aren't required, there's no reason both can't work. OP have you tried limiting spending money so it only covers household goods? I can understand wanting to cook (I work and also find it relaxing) but if there are any chores you don't like doing I'd completely avoid doing them, too. Your wife needs to pick up the sl
    via u/lazy__goth
  • 16
    Font - Puzzleheaded-Kale987 OP • 20h I have toyed with this idea, but my God messes trigger the living Hell out of me. It is a good idea though and will keep brainstorming what I can do that will also compel her to clean up the mess without me having to prompt or be compelled to clean it up myself. 525
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 17
    Font - lazy_goth - 20h I get you, my husband and I both work but I used to also do the majority of the chores. We had an argument where he accused me of not doing enough, so I stopped doing ANYTHING for a week - my god the mess within a few days was a distraction! But it did prove my point! ... 483
    via u/lazy__goth
  • 18
    Font - reddituser 999000 - 22h nta, her saying that your coworkers wives don't have to work... that's her saying the quiet part out loud. she didn't want to be a sahm, she just wanted to sah. 4 10.1k
    via u/reddituser999000
  • 19
    Font - pricklypawpaw • 21h Being a Oh dear, I had this same thought SAHM when your kids are actually with you all day (i.e. not in daycare or school) is a full-time job. The fullest of the full-time jobs. Literally 24/7.1 wonder if OP's wife didn't realise how intense the job would actually be and thought (as so many people do) that being a SAHM really meant just being at home, not working. 43k ↓ ...
    via u/pricklypawpaw
  • 20
    Font - somewhenimpossible. 20h Partassipant [1] And it's not a competition! Marriages are not equal to each other. Just because Susie gets to stay home doesn't mean she's entitled to stay home. Reminds me of children "but Bobby's bedtime is nine! Why do I have to go to bed at eight?!" Different households, different marriages, different "rules". What OTHER wives are doing should not influence what THEIR marriage is about. ... 1k ↓
    via u/somewhenimpossible
  • 21
    Rectangle - theassholethrowawa. 22h Professor Emeritass [81] NTA: Basically all your wife is saying is "I'm a married woman so I don't have to work and it's a man's job to provide" ... 5.5k
    via u/theassh*lethrowawa
  • 22
    Font - DebThornberry • 20h And cook, and clean, and take bb 2 and from daycare. This man's a single father with a wife 42.7k ↓
    via u/DebThornberry
  • 23
    Font - Medical Skirt9753 • 22h ΝΤΑ One person providing everything imo will lead to resentment. Your wife is being lazy. ... 42.9k
    via u/Medical_Skirt9753
  • 24
    Font - WhizzoButterBoy • 21h Partassipant [2] Yikes. INFO. Is your wife getting any help with her mental and physical health ? She was overwhelmed with one child and one household. I think there's something else going on here that needs to be addressed before any other work etc is mentioned And the way you guys communicate with each other is definitely AH territory ... 2.8k
    via u/WhizzoButterBoy
  • 25
    Font - Puzzleheaded-Kale987 OP • 20h When I bring up if she needs anything she tells me she is fine, Our kid can be a handful. She is visibly happy and full of energy now than before. 4 1.7k ↓ ...
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 26
    Human body - MaybeAWalrus • 22h Commander in Cheeks [218] INFO : what was her career before she became a SAHM and can she go back at doing that ? ... 668
    via u/MaybeAWalrus
  • 27
    Human body - Puzzleheaded-Kale987 OP • 20h Yeah she could, she was a software engineer, and she probably could even work mostly remotely. 1.2k ...
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Kale987
  • 28
    Font - MaybeAWalrus. 20h Commander in Cheeks [218] NTA then. It's not like she would be forced to work at McDonald's. It's reasonable she goes back to work. ↑ 857
    via u/MaybeAWalrus
  • 29
    Font - Hungry_Fish219 - 22h NTA. You're wife's being selfish, and she seriously does have no excuse to stay home and do nothing. Maybe she misses taking care of your kid, though? It's not an excuse for her, but that could put her in a crappy mood ... 308
    via u/Hungry_Fish219
  • 30
    Font - GenghisQuan2571 • 21h NTA, it seems like your cheating comment is one of those things where an argument gets heated and escalated to the point of both of you going for zingers to score points rather than achieving consensus. While it's a poor argument to make and also a bad thing to say, at the end of the day it's a communication error, and the crux of the issue is that your wife appears to want the benefits of SAH without the work. But I can't agree with the E S H votes for the simple re
    via u/GenghisQuan2571

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childcare daycare relationship advice marriage job work wife relationship-drama marriage-drama relationships husband marriage advice parent parents engineer
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