'Mum wanted me to clean my room, I played a vacuum noise from YouTube': 35 Anonymous confessions that were revealed to the entire internet

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  • 01
    Purple - 'On the shuttle... this woman looked at me and started typing furiously into her phone, then showed it me. Was quite worried at this stage. The message was, "Your zip is down!""
  • 02
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... The man behind the till in the canteen handed me change and wished me a good day. I was going to say "Lovely, you too!" but it came out as "Love you!". In full earshot of loads of colleagues. Utterly mortified.
  • 03
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I live with my wife and two adult daughters. I volunteer to do the occasional run to the laundrette not because I'm being helpful, but because the peace and quiet is bliss. I watch sports on my phone in toasty warm heaven.
  • 04
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I recently adopted two rescue cats together, I like one way more than the other but I try not to make it too obvious to other people because I feel it would be frowned upon, a bit like a parent openly admitting they have a favourite child.
  • 05
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I never had friends until my 40s. People would ghost me & I'd never get invited to things. I decided to stop giving a fu about it and now suddenly I find myself getting regular calls and texts off 'the lads' and even have a 'best mate'. I think I was trying too hard before.
  • 06
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My girlfriend is gorgeous, funny, clever and kind. My kids love her, and even my ex can't find anything bad to say about her. But I'm about to break up with her because she puts milk in with a tea bag before adding boiling water and I just can't cope with the awful cups of tea.
  • 07
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole For about a year I've been randomly hearing a noise similar to that of a frog in a swamp, thought it was coming from my heart area and really had me in a panic. Turns out it's the refresh sound on Twitter which I've been oblivious to all this time.
  • 08
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I love it when people anonymously donate to online fundraisers. I tell the person asking for money that I donated but somehow it came up as anonymous. The perfect crime.
  • 09
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My partner and I have a rotation of 5 or so water bottles that we store in the fridge to drink from. We use all of them every day, whilst fully aware that none of them have been cleaned in over 6 months
  • 10
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I've not paid for BT Sport for the last two years. I got it for free with my EE phone contract til I moved to Three in 2021. I soon found out my BT Sport login never stopped working though, and I even made a profit by asking a mate to go halves on the 'cost' of my subscription
  • 11
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife was apparently pl off with me for a reason unknown to me so refused to speak to me all night. So I've refused to speak to her since too. It's been 12 days now and not a word has been spoken to each other. I dont care how long it takes, I won't be giving in first.
  • 12
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... I'm a GP. On several occasions mothers have been in tears because they can't afford formula for their baby. There's no support for this situation. I can prescribe certain formulas if I think the baby has a milk allergy. I inform the mum of this and then prescribe 'as a trial'.
  • 13
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Cars have got bumpers for a reason. If I reverse into your parked car at Tesco, I'm not putting my details under your windscreen wiper to tell you you've got a mild scrape on your Vauxhall Corsa.
  • 14
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I buy cheap biscuits which the family won't enjoy, as anything that tastes remotely nice or has any chocolate disappears in a day. I consider it my contribution to my family's health. At least I have something to have with my coffee.
  • 15
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole The only reason I keep my vinyl record collection is because of the smell and I will regularly just sit and sniff them. If anyone asks I lie and say that I think they sound better, but if there was a way of recreating the scent whenever I stream an album then I would bin them all
  • 16
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole On a whim, I bought a signed photo of Lionel Richie from a charity shop and put it in the downstairs loo. It's been there months and no-one has commented.
  • 17
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When my wife gets her hair done, it's usually in a way I don't like. I have to lie for a couple of days that's it's nice until she stamps her personality back into it.
  • 18
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole A friend of a friend is getting into Politics, since C | he's been going further and further hard right wing and insufferable. I have photos of every Halloween since 1998. He dressed up as Mr T seven times. Yes he did what you're thinking. I can't wait for his campaign.
  • 19
    Sleeve - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Just put my back out whilst taking a s. Don't get old, kids.
  • 20
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I am 6'5 and people love to ask me exactly how tall I am. If there's anyone straddling that 6'0 line nearby, I knock a few inches off my answer to make them look sub six foot.
  • 21
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was young and mum wanted me to clean my room I played a vacuum noise from YouTube and lay in bed instead. Sorry Mum.
  • 22
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Went in to the little local bakery to treat myself to a loaf of sourdough. Lady behind the till asked "sliced?" I misheard and replied "no I want the whole loaf?" Realisation dawned on me, I paid and scurried out. Can never return. Loved that place too.
  • 23
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I read the Harry Potter books to my kids each evening - we're on book 4. I love doing the voices and injecting some drama where I can, but I keep making up brief passages where the characters s themselves. They're growing up thinking Ron has terrifying incontinence.
  • 24
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole On the shuttle between Bham Intl Station and the Airport this woman looked at me and started typing furiously into her phone then showed it me. Was quite worried at this stage. The message was "your zip is down!"
  • 25
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Spent £55 on a fedora thinking I'd look cool. Wore it once and every other man wearing a hat raised theirs at me. Problem was they were all utter freaks so I figured I probably looked as ridiculous. Never wore it again.
  • 26
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... My wife insists on using shallots and onions in lots of meals. When I cook the exact same meal I never use shallots because they're too fiddly and pointless, and my proof of this is that she's never noticed that I didn't put them in.
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I secretly play my kids Numbots - an online maths game - so she will forever have the top spot in her class league table
  • 28
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole For the past 6 years I have tried to gain time back from my employer. I'll work for 40mins and then alternate between a smoke break or toilet break, no one has noticed. I might risk upping to 30 mins work 30mins smoke/toilet
  • 29
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife is 1cm taller than me and it bothers me
  • 30
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Wife has one strong Espresso in the morning to get her going for the day. She's more argumentative with caffeine in her. Unknown to her I've been giving her decaf for over a year now and we argue less.
  • 31
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole If I see some narcissist filming in public, in the gym or dancing on the street, I will ALWAYS walk in front of the camera and act completely oblivious. If I can fake that I suddenly remembered something and walk back in the path of the camera, I will.
  • 32
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole A few months ago a driver from a famous delivery company damaged my gatepost with his van. They admitted it but the claims process was such a pain I gave up. I now vandalise their vans whenever I can. I reckon I'm ahead now
  • 33
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Didn't want to get my 5yr old daughter her desired guinea-pig, so I told her they were poisonous. She was old enough to use the iPad to check if it was true. As she did so, I pulled out my phone and edited Wikipedia to say they had a toxic bite & left it up there. Sorry editors.
  • 34
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole If a celeb puts something up with a link to vote for them or their show for an award, I'll always follow the link and pick something else to vote for in the category. I don't care how long the voting process takes, I'll spite vote against them for asking
  • 35
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was a broke uni student I'd go to the supermarket, get a sandwich & wedges from the deli counter, and eat it while I walked round the shop intently perusing items. I'd stash the empty packages on a shelf and leave with something that cost a quid. Never caught, no regrets.
  • 36
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I was hoping my ex-husband's life would fall apart and that he would pine after me when I left him but instead he just moved on and found someone new. It was my life that fell apart.

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