FAIL Blog

37 Funny Tweets So Well Composed They're Almost Poetic

  • 1
    Text - vladchoc Follow @vladchoc Is it too much to ask to just stand on a mountain, holding my sword aloft as lightning strikes it without some asshole painting me? 5:59 PM -3 Mar 2015 1,894 5,148
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  • 2
    Bird - tara shoe Follow @tarashoe birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot 2:50 PM- 13 Jul 2015 t 6,875 14,033
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    Text - Mike Primavera Follow @primawesome Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up too. RETWEETS LIKES 4,310 9,433 2:46 PM- 17 Oct 2011
  • 4
    Text - AmishPornStar TM Follow @AmishPornStar1 Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death 5:23 PM -4 Jun 2015 2,768 2,078
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  • 5
    Text - It's Abby. Yep @abbycohenwl Follow She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse? 11:21 AM - 27 Mar 2015 1,110 2,517
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    Text - Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff Follow [After losing a rap battle] "How did he get a hold of my credit score?" 5:53 PM-7 Jul 2015 3,675 7,624
  • 7
    Cartoon - local badboy, hippieswordfish Follow YEAH! welcome to subway how can i-' ME: punches counter WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID sir- M: IS IT HIS PISS 11:15 AM-12 Mar 2015 t3 5,577 11,361
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  • 8
    Text - tara shoe Follow @tarashoe hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get 1:23 PM -7 Aug 2014 819 2,624
  • 9
    Text - $6.52 @animadvertguy Follow Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes? 11:13 PM - 8 Oct 2016 t1,880 3,910
  • 10
    Font - Ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy Follow Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it. Me: You are stupid. Instructor: holding back tears 2:53 AM-5 Feb 2017 I meant physically t3961 1,512
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  • 11
    Text - Kalvin @KalvinMacleod Dads Anonymous DAD: go on, it's safe here ME: sometimesI don't cut the grass in a pattern *one dad vomits, another stops grilling entirely* 8/21/16, 2:30 PM
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    Text - Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego Follow Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan 8:52 AM -3 Dec 2013 t4,721 8,917
  • 13
    Gummy bear - markydoodoo @markydoodoo Follow I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that. 5:44 PM-12 Feb 2017 t 3.490 9,499
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  • 14
    Text - logged off guy @hurlarious Follow [INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista:? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM 4:55 PM-7 Sep 2015 23,744 36,100
  • 15
    Text - rupaul ryan) @warmyellowlight Follow i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me 2:27 PM - 16 Aug 2015 785 2,175
  • 16
    Text - brent Follow @murrman5 "shipwrecked diary* Day 1 alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife. 11:49 AM -14 Aug 2013 t11,066 19,105
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  • 17
    Text - herbie Follow @obviouslyherbie people are looking at the conveyor belt waiting for their luggage to come out. suddenly i emerge, sitting on a picnic blanket eating dinner 7:14 PM - 23 Nov 2016 t1,696 4,158
  • 18
    Text - Line Art Lionheart Follow @notalogin Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes 6:49 AM-11 Aug 2016 2,724 6,618
  • 19
    Skin - Troutman Follow @robotrowboat Always give a thumbs up while yawning so deaf people know you're not screaming. 11:41 AM -6 Jan 2015 t1,728 3,007
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  • 20
    Text - spacegirl incognito @iamspacegirl Follow me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES 9:08 PM-25 Apr 2016 t 8,994 22,388
  • 21
    Font - oper Steven W Skinner Follow @SkinnerSteven HIPSTER COP: *into radio "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it" 8:28 PM - 27 Mar 2015 2,663 4,660
  • 22
    Hair - Böb El Diablo Jänke Follow @Bob_Janke A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators 12:56 PM- 11 Jun 2014 t 4,399 6,266
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  • 23
    Text - DEATH ROW INMATE EATS AN ENTIRE BIBLE AS HIS LAST MEAL Brian Gaar Follow @briangaar Roses are red, wrestling is real 7:07 PM-27 Apr 2017 2,967 6,248
  • 24
    Text - derek Follow @eedrk alien: take me to your leader me: uh i'm the leader alien: oh, chill. anyway, me: why didnt you think i was the leader alien: no no, me: why 10:31 PM -25 May 2015 t12,048 17,773
  • 25
    Text - Ted Travelstead Follow @trumpetcake Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward. RETWEETS LIKES 4,021 9,188 5:13 PM-18 Aug 2014 t 4.0K 49 9.2K
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  • 26
    Text - Jordan Follow @jordan_stratton Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business? 2:20 PM 14 Jan 2016 t1,412 2,688
  • 27
    Text - shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn Follow We get it poets: things are like other things 9:09 PM-7 Sep 2014 20,373 34,275
  • 28
    Text - Kendra Gaylord @kendragaylord Follow How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read. 4:10 PM-27 Apr 2016 t 961 2,157
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  • 29
    Text - Paul Follow @FrenulumBreve ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. Ive never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again. 10:05 AM - 19 Aug 2015 11,932 t7,813
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    Text - Me, Sarah Shockey!! @sarahjoyshockey Follow I periodically look up from my desk with a little smile in case someone is filming sitcom credits 9:14 AM-2 Oct 2015 t 4,462 14,080 DAVE COULIER
  • 31
    Text - Megan Follow @therealeatwood Is coral the stupidest animal or the smartest rock 10:28 AM 13 Jan 2016 10,280 18,818
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  • 32
    Text - keet @KeetPotato doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] OLD dad: [opens one eye] 7/13/15, 8:57 AM 3,450 RETWEETS 6,630 FAVORITES
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    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes Follow I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered. 1:03 PM -21 Apr 2017 t 2,147 6,314
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    Text - Ygrene @Ygrene Follow [Alien family passing Earth] *door lock noise* 4:53 PM-9 Jan 2017 1 10,367 21,725
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  • 35
    Vintage clothing - The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble Follow When you growing your replacement body. 8:47 PM-21 Apr 2017 587 1,698
  • 36
    Text - Born Miserable Follow @bornmiserable When life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. It is time. There is no turning back now. You are the Lemon Keeper. 5:38 PM-2 Apr 2017 1,881 3,903
  • 37
    Colorfulness - CA Joe Rumrill @2tonbug Follow I live every day in fear that my job will be replaced by a machine, but until the...GUMBALLS! GET YER GUMBALLS HERE! ONLY 25 CENTS! 3:03 PM -30 Mar 2017 439 1,909

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