‘But they’re your children too’: A Stay-at-home-mom Wishes to Rejoin the Workforce, Her Husband Insists the Childcare Costs Come Out Of Her Salary Alone

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    r/AITAH 6 days ago • Main-Tackle7546 My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.
  • 02
    We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.
  • 03
    I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.
  • 04
    After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.
  • 05
    My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.
  • 06
    Idk what to feel or do. Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the
  • 07
    same quality of care for our youngest. My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups
  • 08
    and I would handle drop-offs. The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.
  • 09
    I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but
  • 10
    I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time. As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.
  • 11
    End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.
  • 12
    Low_Actuary_2794 • 6d ago Just split the bills proportional to income. Thats all bills though not just childcare.
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    MamaAYL •5d ago I just can't grasp the yours vs. mine with money when you're married. It shouldn't matter what account it comes from because it should all be both of yours.
  • 14
    Temporary_Analysis55 • 6d ago Your quality of life also matters. Healthy kids have healthy parents. Your husbands compromise is very very narrow and he doesn't seem to realize that parents can love their kids and also have goals and needs outside of them.
  • 15
    Have the two of you explored other options like part-time work, etc? This doesn't have to be black-and-white, every member of the family deserves the same care, effort, freedom to make certain choices, and
  • 16
    certain choices, and flexibility to meet personal goals.
  • 17
    RKFSKY 5d ago Maybe consult a couples therapist to work out your return to work - I would say I don't want to rush in to it, I want us both to feel comfortable. I'm doing it but let's do this transition the right way. Maybe a therapist
  • 18
    can help him see that for you it's more than contributing to the family income. Returning to work seems like what will be best for your mental health and happiness. I do not like the vibe he has set seems controlling but maybe that is motivated by
  • 19
    fear of kids being in care of strangers, etc. if he doesn't waiver from that stance or isn't willing to explore why he feels that way and how you can work it out then I'd be mindful of what his preferences are costing you.
  • 20
    drinkingtea1723 • 5d ago Just to clarify he pays for everything right now and will continue to do as except for costs related to your job? Will your job cover those costs? If you make $10 and the costs of you working are $13 then you are basically asking him to
  • 21
    pay for you to work? If you make $10 and costs of working are $8 then what is the issue? If you make $10 and costs of working are $10 is it that you wont have any money left? Also how do you guys handle money now, do you have access to all the family money / spend
  • 22
    what you want and need or is it more a budgeted amount kind of situation? It's really hard to say without knowing a lot more.

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