CheezCake

‘He went behind my back’: Bride who wants to keep her maiden name narrowly escapes toxic marriage after fiancé tries tricking her into taking his last name, wedding cancelled

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    "His mother told him it was 'feminine, weak, and woke' for him to comply with my wishes."
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    AITAH for telling my fiancé I don't want his last name or his mom at our wedding? Last December, my fiancé (m25) and I (f23) became engaged. The engagement itself was very unexpected, and felt very sudden, as we had only been dating for 2 years since. However, I accepted, as I love him, and I couldn't imagine a future without him in it.
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    Since our engagement, we've had several wedding related conversations, and I've expressed to him numerous times that I would like to keep my maiden name, and not adopt his. The reason for this is that my parents never had any sons, and I am an only child. I want to carry on the family name for my parents, and I want my children to have the choice of which last name they want to go by and/or both. I've expressed all of this to my fiancé, and he complied, and reassured me that he was ok with my de
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    As the wedding draws closer, I received a call from the cake planner last night regarding our cake, which we had met with him and designed a few weeks prior. He informed us that he had a sample prepared for us to come and see, so we drove there the next morning to sample it. Needless to say, I was a bit shocked when he pulled out the cake, which had the words "Mr. And Mrs. Smith" (my husbands last name) printed on top. Thinking it was an accident,
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    (though I had strictly told him just to write 'Mr and Mrs' on the cake), I asked him to correct it for the final wedding cake for our wedding, which was in two weeks. He informed me that my fiancé had called him yesterday morning and had asked him to include "smith" on top, along with the previous initials.
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    On the car ride home, my fiancé informed me that he was not comfortable with me keeping my last name, and that he had had a conversation with his mother two days prior, in which she informed him it was "feminine, weak, and woke" for him to comply to my wishes, and that he was signing himself up for an abusive marriage. Talking with the rest of the wedding planning staff, I found out he also instructed that the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. all be changed to have "Mrs and Mr smith"
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    After our argument, I informed him that I would call off the wedding if he did not comply with my wishes, and that I didn't want his mother attending our wedding ceremony either way. He moved out and refuses to talk to me since. AITAH?
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    EDIT: To clarify: I gave him the opportunity to do couples counseling as well as agreeing that we could do. joint last names on any future children's birth certificates, along with trying to have a rational conversation with him. The argument STARTED when he called me a "woke whore" for my decision (the one he had previously agreed to), and that's when I told him it may be in our best interest to call off the wedding and banned his mother. The main reason I'm upset is not because of his desire f
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    • Impressive_Dog_9845 11h ago Call off the wedding anyway. You just got a preview of how his mother is going to overstep in this marriage and how he's going to go along with whatever mummy says. NTA, your finance is weak and needs to unlatch from his mother's 1 tt. 5.6K Reply CheescakeQueen OP 11h ago Thank you for your perspective- I agree that it's probably wise to call off the wedding, for both his benefit and my own 2.6K Reply ...
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    RichDark3047 • 12h ago NTAH That right there is a guy who's trying to marry his mom...not you. Not a bullet, that's a nuke and you best dodge it. Think about how he and his mother will try to control your life and your future children's lives. Run girl...run 2.1K ☐ Reply
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    Frozefoots 10h ago He called you a woke where?? Cancel wedding. Cancel relationship. Give him the dress and tell him to go and marry his mother and ck all the way in the direction of OFF with his one true love. NTA. ucking Mama's boy. 1.2K Reply CheescakeQueen OP 10h ago • This comment made me chuckle. In all seriousness, you're right. Marrying him would most likely end in a divorce certificate being drawn up and signed for the ex Mr and Mrs smith :/ 536 Reply ...
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    • star_b_nettor 10h ago NTA The lying to you is not okay. The calling you a derogatory term when he wasn't getting his way is abusive. Accusing you of abuse right after he did something abusive is gaslighting. Add in the momma's boy (and he is weak, you just aren't the one he's being weak for, momma got her way) and you've got a trifecta with an exclamation of why you shouldn't be doing this. 420 Reply ... CheescakeQueen OP 10h ago • You're right- I need to call off the wedding. Clearly he isn't
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    deadthingsmia 10h ago The argument STARTED when he called me a "woke whore" for my decision This alone, would be my reason for calling it off. The pure disrespect because he couldn't keep Mommy Dearest out of his ear. NTA. 115 Reply
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    Oh_Wiseone 10h ago • The thing that stood out to me was your first statement "the engagement itself was unexpected and felt very sudden". Your instinct was telling you something then. And it is shouting now. I think the person you perceived to be your fiancé doesn't exist and the person who called you that awful name is the true person. His mask is sipping. Don't fall for his sweet talking self if he tries to explain away anything. Trust your gut. 92 Reply
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    Animal Accomplished33 11h ago NTA In the 1980's my aunt married my uncle and he took her last name. He was a sergeant in the army... but they both liked her name better than they did his. Feminine, weak and woke? Wow your fiancé and his mother are both really unpleasant people. And the moment he allows himself to call you a whore is the moment to call off the wedding. You did everything right OP 399 Reply
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    • unknown_6831 12h ago ΝΤΑ If he can't accept you wanting to keep your last name then he doesn't respect you. I kept my maiden name, though I did just add my husband last name after it. But that is your choice because it's your name, not his. 269 Reply
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    • Siennagiant70 11h ago NTA. The last name at this point isn't the issue anymore. It's going behind your back and making major changes without discussing it. Then Being completely disrespectful about the changes made without the discussion. My wife liked my last name. She accepted it and she goes by it now. We also added hyphenated her name so all of the paperwork/checks would be easier. This was our decision. Together. That's the key. Together. Our families work very well together. Good luck OP
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    Pleasant-Koala147 · 11h ago NTA. Abusive people will often wait until they feel you are trapped before taking their mask off. He might feel that he can risk taking the mask off now you're so close to the wedding, but be aware that this is likely the real him. The person you fell in love with was likely a fantasy he designed to draw you in. Now you're meeting the real him. Look at who he is now and ask yourself if that is the person you want to legally tie yourself to. It will be a lot harder to
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    madpiratebippy • 11h ago You are not only NTA but you are dodging a huge bullet. This marriage would have you as a third wheel with his Mommy driving as the main wife. And calling you a woke wore is a wild step over the line. He's still married to hims Mommy. Let them have each other. Thank God you found out before the wedding. 40 Reply
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    Puzzleheaded_Bee4361 11h ago NTA. I kept my maiden name when I got married, 40 yrs back. And my husband is neither "feminine "nor "weak." He had NO problem with me doing this, as he isn't at all insecure or lacking in confidence. It sounds like your fiance is both insecure and has confidence issues, plus wants to compensate for these problems by being controlling. Your fiance's psychological problems are his to solve, not your responsibility. He doesn't want an equal partner - he wants an append
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    Spinnerofyarn 10h ago NTA and thank heavens this all came out before you actually married. While it's going to to lose deposits, it's cheaper than divorce. I would never marry someone who called me what he called you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm so glad you're not marrying him. 28 Reply CheescakeQueen OP 10h ago • Thank you I'm planning on calling and confirming my plans to cancel tomorrow, regardless of whether I reach his stupid cheesy "cheers" theme song voicemail or not 3

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