Sibling Missing Sister's Wedding After Initially Telling Her the Date That Might Not Work for His Family, Internet Debates Who's to Blame: 'She knows it costs a fortune for us to fly out, that it’s a full day of travel in each direction'

Author image for Isabella Penn
Isabella Penn
Jul 20, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

When someone you know is getting married, it's supposed to be a joyous occasion. Especially when it's someone in your immediate family. As a sibling, you're supposed to have a part in the big day, too. Whether you're at the wedding party or have another responsibility to help the day go perfectly, as a sibling, you should be excited to attend this big moment in your sibling's life. That is, if you have a good relationship with your siblings, just like this brother and sister do. But he's not attending the wedding, and now he's wondering if he's making the right decision. His sister and partner are in their 40s, have been dating for a long time, and decided they just wanted to have a casual celebration with friends and family. She made sure to sit down with her brother to look at potential dates that he wouldn't be able to make since he lives so far away and has three kids to travel with. Despite her efforts, things took a turn for the worse. 

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  • 01
    . r/AmltheAsshole 18 hr. ago throwawayfaraway878 AITA for missing my sister's wedding after she scheduled it on a date she knew I might not make it?
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 02
    Sister and fiancé (both early 40's) are getting married after many years of dating, first marriage for both, but they've been casual about this from the get-go. They decided to get married randomly after a conversation with friends prompted it, no proposal, wanted a courthouse ceremony and just a party with their friends. Our family has
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 03
    blown this up a bit. It seems to be moving now more towards a backyard wedding with friends and family. Several months ago while they were discussing dates, my sister asked me what my availability was because I'm the only family that lives far away and I have 3 young kids, so I'm the most difficult to pin down. We talked through my
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 04
    schedule and I gave her dates that were kind of like "no", "maybe", and "yes, absolutely". She said she was planning on those "yes" timeframes anyways so, awesome, this will be great. Save the dates go out via email a few weeks later, and she set a date that was on my "maybe" weekends. I call and ask
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 05
    what's up, she said her and finance also kicked dates around with friends, and this was the one that seemed to work for them so... they decided to do that. The "maybe" reason for me was related to other travel I have already scheduled.
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 06
    Trying to get back to my hometown with my whole family is no longer an option, now it becomes only some of us go, and not others, or we fly out on different days... it's a mess to navigate. She says "Hey it's okay. I want you there, but I understand." I talk to my spouse, we
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 07
    decide it's too much to navigate, too expensive to make it work, we're not going. My sister seems fine, she keeps downplaying mom & dad making a big deal out of this, says it's not even a wedding... yada yada. I'm feeling okay but my siblings and my parents are absolutely ripping me to
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 08
    shreds over this. They are piling on the heaviest guilt trips, accusing me of not caring about family and shit like that. Like I should just cancel and eat the cost of other things I've already paid for (and can't get refunded) and drop thousands of dollars to fly my family to this
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 09
    wedding that my sister scheduled to happen on a weekend when they knew I may not be able to attend. So Reddit... AITA for skipping this wedding?
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 10
    ETA INFO: I'm reading and trying to reply but there's a lot here. I'm definitely taking away a lot of different things that happened here that might have made me the AH. The common question is "why did I say MAYBE if I had plans?" That's valid criticism, but when I said we looked at dates, what I meant was more like general timeframes. It went like this:
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 11
    my sister says they want to do it before the weather cools down. This leaves us pretty much with July/Aug/Sept. I said hey July is absolutely nuts for us at work if you do it then we definitely can't go. August, there's some weeks that are better than others, it's a toss up.
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 12
    September I'm wide open, zero conflicts. She had been saying Sept all along, that was THE month. We didn't even talk about specific dates in Aug because she wasn't indicating that was an option for her at that time. When I hung up I was entirely under the impression that it was going to be Sept and Aug wasn't on the radar.
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 13
    I understand why some think I come across as being "judgy" about their wedding, or that I'm trying to make it seem unimportant. That's really not how I feel. I've encouraged her from the start to block out all the family noise and just do what she wants. My dad tried to get her to change the date when I said my
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 14
    family couldn't make it and I had to tell him to leave her alone and let her do what she wants. She's been the one who didn't want to call it a wedding, she didn't like that it was turning into a bigger thing, told me many times they were just trying to make the parents happy by doing "a thing". I'm certainly
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 15
    wondering now if she was being honest with me about the importance of it, and my being there, it's possible she was just trying to not to put a guilt trip on me. She knows it costs a fortune for us to fly out, that it's a full day of travel in each
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 16
    direction. It's not some 2 hour direct cheap flight for a casual weekend trip. It's coast to coast and corner to corner with multiple flights and hours of driving to/from both departing and arriving airports.
    via u/throwawayfaraway878
  • 17
    PandaCotton . • 17h ago Asshole Aficionado [19] NTA Your sister is planning her wedding knowing you might not be there. You had discussed this possibility. Your family shouldn't even be involved, they're the ones creating drama where none exists. Enjoy your trip.
    via u/PandaCotton
  • 18
    Pretzelmamma • 15h ago Asshole Aficionado [15] Mild YTA because ff the plans were already in place and it really isn't workable then the date should have been a no from you, not a maybe. Nothing in your plans has changed from when you discussed dates except you've decided it's a mess to navigate Not even impossible, just a mess. If you weren't willing to navigate the mess you should have said so from the start.
    via u/Pretzelmamma
  • 19
    • lausim59 15h ago When your sister went over dates with you you gave some "maybe" dates. That suggests you hadn't finalized any plans or bought any tickets. You never informed her that a "maybe" date changed to a definitely not date until after she sent out her save the date cards. Even in your title you say she scheduled with on a date she knew you "might" not make it. According to the other comments I'm in the
    via u/lausim59
  • 20
    minority, but I think YTA. You knew your sister was planning a wedding, which is a pretty important occasion. You decided that you making plans for a vacation to visit family took precedence over her hopefully once in a lifetime wedding. Now you're acting indignant because other family members are calling you out. In my opinion, YTA.
    via u/lausim59
  • 21
    Fardelismyname 9h ago Hm. Why can't you go alone? In my house and family, you would be TA. Weddings are weddings, and worth the hassle or change of plans. I mean if you're going on a massive foreign vacay that's tough, but in that case YtA for not communicating/checking that. You seem to have an "I'm allowed a pass because I'm a busy parent” mindset. Ugh.
    via u/Fardelismyname
  • 22
    . thewineyourewith 9h ago. Partassipant [3] It really really sucks to be an older bride who has spent decades worth of time money and headaches to celebrate other people but no one wants to inconvenience themselves to celebrate you. She's trying to not be a demanding bridezilla but you're taking that as an excuse to treat your sister's WEDDING as not that important. It's important. It isn't less important just because she's not 20 and now you have kids.
    via u/thewineyourewith
  • 23
    You're not attending because it's logistically difficult, not because you literally can't. You didn't tell her that weekend was a no, and in fact it seems like it's still not a no, it's just a PITA. How much inconvenience did your sister go through when you were getting married? Having kids? You really can't attend a one day event, even if it's by yourself without your husband and kids? YTA.
    via u/thewineyourewith
  • 24
    ResponsibleForce7878 • 5d ago NTA - Neither is your sister. You've said from the start that in the eyes of your sister, this whole wedding is nothing special. It's your family who are taking over. Your sister knew you may not be able to make the date she chose, but wanted to cater for the majority. I don't know what the opposite of 'bridezilla' is... but your sister is it!! I like her!
    via u/ResponsibleForce7878
  • 25
    Cheezburger Image 10374891520
    via Scott Webb

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family drama aita drama brother sibling rivalry siblings wedding etiquette couples entitled sister reddit thread Reddit dad mom parents
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