Woman Refuses to Bake A Cake For Her Uncle After He Blew Off Her Mother's Birthday, Inflaming Old Sibling Rivalry Wounds

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    r/AmltheAs u/LessShoe8189 • 1d AITA for telling my aunt I won't bake a cake for my uncle's birthday after he ruined my mother's birthday celebration that I planned?
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    I'm 23F, my mom (54F) has a sister (47F, "Hailey") and a brother (52M, "lan"). My mom and lan are both very close to Hailey. Ian has a chronic illness and was cheated on by his wife of several years, they divorced about 10 years ago and he was laid off from his job around the same time. I don't know the details because I was pretty young, but my mom's relationship with him became more distant even though she tried to support him. I think he was (and is?) quite resentful of her because he was dea
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    For my mom's birthday this year I got plane tickets for my mom, dad, and me to go stay with Hailey's family in the city my mom grew up, so we could have some of her oldest friends over to celebrate. And I baked a cake. This was a surprise for my mom, but I asked Hailey if it was alright beforehand, and she was excited and up for it. But when we arrived I found out that lan was also visiting, which Hailey hadn't told me. I asked her about it and she said she forgot to tell me because she didn't t
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    My mom's friends arrived at 5 and lan wasn't home, I thought he'd come soon, but he wasn't home even by 10 and my mom's friends started to have to leave. I called lan several times and so did Hailey, but he didn't pick up. My mom was really upset because she assumed he would be there, and initially when she asked I'd confirmed that he would. Eventually we did cut the cake without him, and he came home at around 12:30 after my mom's friends had all left. I didn't say anything to him. Hailey tried
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    Recently Hailey invited my me and parents to visit again to celebrate lan's birthday. My parents are going, but I said I would be busy. Hailey said that if I came I could make a birthday cake like I di for my mom, and lan would love it. I said I really don't care after what he did on her bday. Hailey said I don't understand their relationship and if I refuse to bake a cake it will only make things worse, because he doesn't have a kid who would do things like that for him. I said I really don't c
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    GoldenHourShower_⚫ 1d Partassipant [2] NTA. being upset that someone ruined your mom's birthday, that you planned, is super reasonable. But also remember that siblings have complex relationships you might not be privy to. I don't think refusing to pour your time into your uncle's thing is thing to do. But, I would ask your mom what she wants in this scenario, and less so your aunt. an ← Reply 4.3k
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    juninbee • 1d I think that it's not just between her mom and uncle tho- OP is the one who planned the party and made the surprise cake. OP is the one who lan confirmed his attendance with and then flaked out on. OP had the right to say, Um No- you can't flake out on someone and then expect them to produce for you the thing you flaked out on for someone important to them. To me Mom's relationship with lan is irrelevant compared to lan's handling of the situation with OP themself. 2.4k
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    runbikerace • 1d Exactly. I came here to say this. Regardless of mom and lan's relationship, lan lied to op. For that alone she should nope out 553
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    Plastic Lab3306 • 1d Partassipant [1] This! But also, Hayley trying to force OP to bake a cake for someone is just not on. Either you do something like that out of love, or you don't. And it doesn't sound like their relationship has reached that sort of high level, intimate relationship yet that results in cake baking. ... 129
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    Accomplished Laugh216 • 1d lan didn't ruin her mom's birthday. Waiting 5 hours to cut a cake because one guest isn't there is absolutely ridiculous. And lan was under no obligation to come to a party last minute when he already had plans. Maybe the plans ran longer than he expected. In any case, he didn't ask for the party to be put on hold for him. OP doesn't owe her uncle a cake and shouldn't be expected to make one. But lan did not ruin her birthday. 479
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    imoleila • 1d Thank you, I thought that was a bit wild. They weren't even expecting lan to be there at all during the trip, then they held up the party for him for 5 hours??? That's so silly. 209
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    TheVaneja • 1d Pooperintendant [60] So you didn't bother to start without him until everyone left, after 5 hours? I'm sorry but you let him ruin the party, and you have a share of the blame as a result. Nothing stopped you from starting on time and letting him show up when he showed up. NTA for not making him a cake that's totally up to you but ESH overall he couldn't have ruined the party without everyone letting him ruin the party. Reply 1.5k
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    dOxymom 1d • Partassipant [4] This right here. Why would you not serve cake to your actual guests? This seems kind of weird and rude. 654
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    Tangerine_Bouquet ⚫ 1d Supreme Court Just- [139] NTA for not letting them tell and guilt you into baking a cake for anyone, ESPECIALLY someone who's been so disrespectful. You don't owe him a cake, and these relationships aren't yours to manage.
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    I do not understand why you waited so long to cut the cake (a late guest can come later, and even have a piece of cake later), and I do not understand you unwillingness to go if your mom is going. But that's irrelevant. Of course you don't have to bake an AH a cake. Although if you want to take this to a petty- revenge sub, there are definite possibilities of cake choice that would do that. Reply 480
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    SneakySneaky Squirrel • 1d Aficionado [18] I think the best petty revenge option would be to bake a normal cake and show up 7 hours late with it. 139
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    NTA Aggressive-Mind-2085. 1d Craptain [162] "Hailey said I don't understand their relationship".. this is correct. "and if I refuse to bake a cake it will only make things worse, " .. Why would you care? "But now I feel guilty because I hurt Hailey's feelings," ... Se is a manipulative AH, and thais is exactly what she wants to achieve. "and maybe this would actually make things better between my mom and lan, " ... bulllshit: Their relationship has been like that for years - why would you think
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    Street-Dark-7221. 1d Aficionado [11] NTA. Honestly, I don't think I would be charitable if someone disrespected my Mom like that on her birthday (unless there was a good reason.) He knew what the plan was and when to be there. What was lan's reason for not being there at her party? Just curious. Reply 109
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    LateMommy • 1d He went out with friends in the morning, blew off the party, and got home at 12:30? WTH? OP, you're not the AH! ... Q Ŷ 27 ♡
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    hadMcDofordinner • 1d Certified Proctologist [21] No one should have told lan you would bake a cake without asking you and getting a yes from you first. And how would Hailey know that lan would "love" you baking a cake since he never saw the one you made for your mother?
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    Don't go or go but don't bake a cake for lan, worry more about this grown man and Hailey trying to manipulate you. lan/Hailey, one or both, are going to try to make his birthday outshine the one your mother had there recently. Why? Who knows. If I were you, I'd warn my mother not to let anyone play mind games with her while she's there. There's a power play being put in motion. NTA Reply Ŷ 34 ♡
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    icecreampenis ⚫ 1d Aficionado [14] YTA in my opinion. lan wasn't even invited to this party in the first place - the only reason he eventually was given an invitation is because he happened to already be there.
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    And how did that happen, exactly? He didn't know you guys were coming, you didn't know he was coming, even though these siblings apparently text and call each other several times a month? And planned family trips that require air travel never came up? Hmm.
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    To me, it sounds like lan was treated like an afterthought. He probably picked up on that, and therefore assumed his presence at the party wasn't that big of a deal. I think that you stuck your nose in and made a small thing into a big one. Which is kind of a thing to do to your mother, since it sounds like these relationships are fragile to begin with.
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    You don't have to make a cake for anyone that you don't want to. Hailey is wrong to pressure you, but right in saying that you don't understand the relationship. I don't think that you're completely innocent in all this. The fact that your prologue hinted at lan being bitter and jealous before you dove into the actual question confirmed that for me. 31 ... Reply
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    Hoplite68 • 1d Partassipant [2] NTA. lan created an expectation, then couldn't be bothered to meet it. He created the situation, he made a promise he wasn't interested in keeping. If you not coming and making him a cake is enough to jeopardise his relationship with your mother, then there isn't much of a relationship to start with. All of this stems from the way he treated others. He got dealt a bad hand and took it out on others. Tell Hailey you're putting in the same effort as lan is. ← Reply

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