'My mother's lawyer argued... that I had to add my mother as a Facebook friend': 10+ Confounding courtroom arguments that couldn't convince a judge and jury

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Sep 5, 2024 11:00 AM EDT

When you find yourself in hot water with the law, it always helps to have a good lawyer by your side. We all hope to avoid legal trouble for all our days. Whether it's a small offense like arguing a speeding ticket, or a bigger offense that could result in jail time, having some legal counsel can help you avoid big mistakes. People who decide to represent themselves in court often make their situations much worse. I know that the urge to stand up and defend yourself is strong, but in these cases, the lawyers know best. After all, they went to school and passed the bar exam, which takes years to complete. Some average joes think they actually know better… but the judges and juries they're facing will be the ones who decide that. 

U/Kyle4hl asked people to share the most ridiculous arguments they've ever heard during court hearings, and dozens of lawyers, plaintiffs, and folks with their own legal stories chimed in. It's quite the wacky bunch of tales, with lawyers admitting that when you've worked their job for a while, you see every type of case in the book. 

After that, this coffee shop boss got back at an annoying customer who then "sat at her table, too stunned to complain." 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10398735616
    via Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash
  • 02
    Lawyers of reddit, whats the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court?
    via u/Kyle4hl
  • 03
    BullsLawDan Oh geez where do I start. I mean I could tell plenty of these about my own clients but I like this one: A lady has an injury/Comp case. It's for her upper back and of course complex regional pain syndrome. She decides she needs the insurance company to pay for a special mattress for
    via u/BullsLawDan
  • 04
    her. Like a $6000 memory foam, with heat and massage and a thousand other features. And not just a twin, she needs a California King because of course her layabout unemployed boyfriend needs to sleep there too. We spend months litigating this thing. Finally, she buys it herself and my client agrees to give her $1500 just to be done with it. The
    via u/BullsLawDan
  • 05
    judge takes myself and opposing counsel aside and says he's gonna us if we ever say the word mattress in his court again after wasting all this time. It was that ridiculous. Not three months go by and the case comes on for another hearing. After exhausting all the chiropractic care allowed. under the law, her doctor
    via u/BullsLawDan
  • 06
    was seeking a variance to get some additional chiropractic. We get to court and I'm arguing it should be denied, etc. Judge turns to her and says, "ma'am, why do you feel you need more chiropractic care?"
    via u/BullsLawDan
  • 07
    She pauses for a minute then says, "I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping on my mattress." I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears.
    via u/BullsLawDan
  • 08
    pm_me_algorithm... Girlfriend is a reddit lurker. Posting on her behalf: This is a story that my grandpa always tells, so some of the details are fuzzy but this is the gist of it. My grandpa was a public defender, and this was a defense he used for one of his clients, who was being accused of attempting to break into a car.
    via u/pm_me_algorithms_
  • 09
    How it happened: Man #1 is sitting in his house, and he looks out the window and sees Man #2 next to a car parked in the street. Man #2 is out there fiddling with the car door for like 10 minutes, and so Man #1 realizes he's trying to break into the car and calls the cops. Man #2 runs, and eventually Man #3, my grandpa's client, is picked up nearby because he matched the description of Man #2.
    via u/pm_me_algorithms_
  • 10
    So my grandpa is meeting with his client and telling him what he's accused of. Client asks, "Wait, what kind of car was it?" Grandpa tells him. Client says, "I can prove that it wasn't me." Grandpa: "How?" Client: "You said the guy was out there for 10 minutes - I can break into that car in less than 20 seconds." Grandpa: "Prove it."
    via u/pm_me_algorithms_
  • 11
    So he finds one of whatever kind of car it was, and the client proceeds to pick the lock in 12 seconds. Grandpa gets the judge out there, and the client does it again for the judge, who makes him do it one more time and then dismisses the case.
    via u/pm_me_algorithms_
  • 12
    Tufflaw Several years ago I was doing a civil trial (personal injury), defending a woman who (allegedly) hit a bus matron with her car. We had offered to concede liability and just try damages (in other words, the jury wouldn't hear the circumstances of how the injury happened, just that we agreed my client caused
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 13
    the injury, and they would only decide the amount of damages - we had evidence that the plaintiff was significantly exaggerating her injuries). The plaintiff's attorney refused to agree to our concession, thinking that if they jury heard the circumstances they'd want to give even more money to punish my client.
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 14
    So we went to trial on liability. The plaintiff called one witness, her client, who testified that an older woman in a green car hit her. They rested and I moved for a dismissal for failure to prove a case. There was literally no evidence connecting my client to this. incident, just an older woman in a green car. The plaintiff never bothered to call my client to the stand.
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 15
    The attorney told the judge that the bus driver had written down my client's license plate and gave it to the police. They never bothered trying to find the bus driver. The attorney asked if she could just put the police report in and I objected that it was hearsay. The attorney then actually said "please just let me put this in, I haven't had work in
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 16
    a while and I got retained by a firm to try this case, I really need to win this." Of course I didn't agree, and the judge dismissed the case. I felt a little bad for her but that was maybe the worse presentation of a case I ever saw.
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 17
    I spoke with the jury afterwards and they all said they hated the plaintiff, didn't believe a word she said, and likely would have found in my favor anyway. Moral of the story, BE PREPARED IN COURT.
    via u/Tufflaw
  • 18
    lemayo Not a lawyer, but I was in traffic court and a cab driver had got a ticket for running a red. He argued that it was really difficult to see because the sun was rising (morning) right where the light was. He was traveling west.
    via u/lemayo
  • 19
    [deleted] Wasn't the other lawyer, but his client. Took the stand in a retail theft trial. Claimed he didn't steal a couple salmon filets on purpose, he was just so flustered by a phone conversation with his girlfriend that he accidentally slipped them into the pockets of his jacket (in a part of the store the loss prevention officer called "shoplifter alley" because
    via u/[deleted]
  • 20
    it's a blind spot for the cameras) and walked out without realizing it. It's not like it was a candy bar or something small, it was two salmon filets! I asked him, "have you ever done that before?" Him:
    via u/[deleted]
  • 21
    "No." Me: "Have you ever seen anyone, anywhere, ever put fish like that in their pocket in your entire life?" Him: ".....No." Mercifully, the jury did not buy his ludicrous story and found him guilty.
    via u/[deleted]
  • 22
    Ely... Also a lawyer. Had opposing counsel try to argue that because a landlady had written on her eviction notice "it has been a pleasure getting to know you but... [please leave]" but had testified they were awful tenants that she hated, that she was dishonest and nothing she said could be trusted
    via u/Elyssian
  • 23
    Opened the question of dishonesty wide open. Although landlady wasn't an angel, tenants had an enormous string of fraud priors we could tell the court about as a result. Edit because of confusion around impeachability doors: this is UK law and relates to gateways for admissibility of bad character evidence
    via u/Elyssian
  • 24
    thedarkwaffle90 Not a lawyer, but I do have a story for this. This happened while I was working as a medical assistant. One of our diabetic patients got a speeding ticket while his blood glucose was low. And he seemed to be under the impression that this would be an iron clad excuse to get him out of it.
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 25
    So he calls our office one day, and I answer. Pt will be the patient. Me: "Dr. X's office (not his name if that wasn't obvious), thedarkwaffle speaking. How may I help. you?" Pt: "Hello, TDW. I need the doctor to write a letter for me."
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 26
    Me: "I can definitely help with that (we do this frequently, usually for a jury duty excuse or a note stating they need to bring their medications with them when they travel, etc), what is the letter for?" Pt. "I got a speeding ticket last weekend, and I'm going to contest it. I need a letter from the doctor stating that I have diabetes and that it impairs my ability to drive,
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 27
    so it wasn't my fault I was speeding." Me:.... Me: "Let me run through this with you, just so I'm clear what you're asking for." Pt:"okay" Me:"You want a letter stating you have diabetes?" Pt: "Yes"
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 28
    Me: "And you want it to say your diabetes impairs your ability to drive?" Pt:"Yes" Me: "And you believe telling the judge that your diabetes impairs your ability to drive will get him to throw out the ticket?" Pt:"Yes"
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 29
    Me:"...I don't think that's a good idea, sir" Pt:"What? Why!?" Me: "Even if they agree with your argument and toss out the ticket, which I doubt they will, if you tell them that you have a medical condition that impairs your driving ability, I'm pretty sure they'll take your licence away"
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 30
    Pt: "No, no, see I'm only impaired when my blood sugar is low" Me: "Right but..." This would go on for a few minutes, before I told him I'd ask the doctor and see what he thinks. Unsurprisingly the doctor agreed with me said he would lose his license if he did that. So we didn't write the letter, but he still brought this argument to
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 31
    traffic court. The patient is now driven to his appointments by his family members.
    via u/thedarkwaffle90
  • 32
    ZerOSummoner I am a lawyer. The state tried to argue that probable cause exists simply because there is a police report alleging the crime. "From the fact that a police officer filed this report it is a reasonable inference that the crime took place as described."
    via u/ZerOSummoner
  • 33
    Good, allegations are self- proving now. Well, wrap up court then, I guess no need to hear any more motions to dismiss ever. I wonder why no other prosecutor in 240 years of jurisprudence ever thought of that before, 25 year old assistant district attorney who went to the worst law school in this state.
    via u/ZerOSummoner
  • 34
    th... Not a lawyer but was the child in a custody case between my parents. My mother's lawyer argued for and had put in the final agreement that I had to add my mother as a Facebook friend.
    via u/thebestatspaghettios
  • 35
    Edit: This was 7 years ago, we are still not friends on Facebook, and she's blocked on everything I have an account for.
    via u/thebestatspaghettios
  • 36
    babno Not a lawyer cause they don't exist. I got a ticket for expired parking meter. Went in and contested it. The guy says "the parking authority took some pictures for evidence, how do you explain these?" The pictures included my car, my license plate, and the parking meter which clearly showed 13 minutes left on it.
    via u/babno
  • 37
    Le... Car accident case where the Plaintiff was clearly trying to ham it up. Brought friends and family for back up and the stories were all inconsistent. Cried on the stand. It was a small accident and the Plaintiff wanted a lot of money for sprains. The attorney said "Yeah there are inconsistencies and crazy stories. But you don't
    via u/Legalbegallove
  • 38
    believe the person who tells you the same thing every time. That is the person pulling the wool over your eyes." Um, no. Honest people are consistent. The attorney also had his client testify that no interpreters were used when they were and that there was confusion about a question regarding a prior accident when that question was never asked. Edit: Am a lawyer
    via u/Legalbegallove
  • 39
    losthunter27 My parents are both lawyers. Was in court with my dad when I was younger. Dad is throwing out objection after objection at the opposing counsel during cross examination. Judge is sustaining all of them. Several hours into this, the judge is getting restless and
    via u/losthunter27
  • 40
    asks the opposing counsel to hurry it up. Opposing counsel responds: "Well if Mr. Surname would stop objecting perhaps I could get through my examination."
    via u/losthunter27
  • 41
    Judge did not like this. She lays into the guy: "If you would stop asking objectable questions Mr. Surname wouldn't have to object! Hurry this I am not going to sit here all day." Was pretty cool to watch as a kid. Dude got roasted. Dad won that trial.
    via u/losthunter27
  • 42
    Nu... Not a lawyer, did work experience with one back in highschool. He had to go speak to someone in the court cells, where I wasn't allowed, so I went and sat in one of the courtrooms while he did that. There were a few cases, but the one that stood out were the 2 guys who both had some injuries
    via u/NuklearAngel
  • 43
    and claimed the other one had attacked them unprovoked. Neither wanted any representation, there was no evidence apart from them blaming each other, and when the lawyer I was with came to find me, they were literally just stood in front on the judge screaming "He did it"/"No he did it" over and over again.
    via u/NuklearAngel
  • 44
    Mellonhead58 My dad told me a story in which his opponent claimed that the surgeon general's 1964 warning was never released in the New York Times. He did this through use of a book and he claimed the headline was not in there and did not exist. My father spent the entirety of the next night
    via u/Mellonhead58
  • 45
    looking for the book, found it, bought it, found the headline for which he was looking, and absolutely demolished the argument the next day by showing the headline to everyone.
    via u/Mellonhead58

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