Parents Demand Daughter Financially Support Them, She Gives Ultimatum That They Move Back to Their Home Country First: 'You are exiling us.'

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Sep 11, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Welcome, gossip goddesses. In the US, it is not uncommon to place elderly parents in the a retirement home. In many other cultures, this would be completely unthinkable. It is also common for elderly people in America to live alone in their homes with their adult children checking in on them every once in a while and bringing the grand kids to visit. There is a sense of independence, and there are clear boundaries between parent and child. On the contrary, around the world, children are expected to take care of their parents financially and house them in their old age. In many places, grandparents move in with their children in order to take of the grand kids and become an integral part of the family unit. 

In our story today, the disparity in values between immigrant parents and their children comes to a head when the elderly parents expect their children to financially support them and maintain their quality of living. Our protagonist - their daughter - issues an ultimatum - that she will agree to financially support them if they move back to their home country, where they would be able to afford a more comfortable life for them. Read the full story below. 

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  • 01
    920 r/AmltheA u/Pitiful Mycologist880 • 10h AITA for telling my parents that I will only support them if they move back to their home country. My parents moved to North America from a developing country when I was four. My siblings were two and six months. My dad worked hard to make a life for us and my mom worked hard making sure we didn't waste the opportunities they were providing for us.
    via u/PitifulMycologist880
  • 02
    My sisters and are are all married with families now. My parents are getting ready to retire and they want us to supply them the way they supported our grandparents. The problem is that we cannot afford to pay for everything here. Even with my parents' savings and my dad's pension they cannot maintain the lifestyle they have while my dad works.
    via u/PitifulMycologist880
  • 03
    However with their money and ours combined they can live like gods back home. We could sell their house, use that money to buy them a villa in a gated community. They could fly back to see us all the time. They could literally live in the top 1% there instead of scraping by here. The only problem is the grandkids. They want to see them all the time. They think that my sisters and I are exiling them.
    via u/PitifulMycologist880
  • 04
    We are offering them a chance to have great lives in a country with no snow. Where food costs are 1/4 to 1/6 those here. Where the health care is actually rated higher than here. We are looking at the next twenty years. When everything is said and done I offered them the exact same amount they sent their folks. It will buy their groceries every month and that's it. They think I'm being stingy and mean. ۵ 2,400 ☐ 184 D
    via u/PitifulMycologist880
  • 05
    Varlane • 10h If they worked all their life, they should have put aside enough to live once retired. This whole ordeal of needing to pay for your parents' retirement is NTA. Reply 2.9k
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  • 06
    Pitiful Mycologist880 OP. 10h They sent a lot of money back home. ... 1k
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  • 07
    Varlane 10h And now they expect you to do the same because they are missing some. Give whatever you're comfortable with and that doesn't jeopardize your finances. If they want more, too bad for them, it's the consequences of their own actions. Break the cycle, or then, you'll have to be them in 30 years and ask money to your children. 1.3k
    via u/Varlane
  • 08
    Pitiful Mycologist880 OP. 9h I actually want to retire there. I made sure to keep my citizenship so I could. My wife and I will have a great retirement there. 998
    via u/PitifulMycologist880
  • 09
    Mollywhoppered • 9h NTA. They should have invested all that money they sent back home to make sure they were secure in their future, and you should do the same with any money you'd give them. This whole cycle is WHY they need someone to fund their retirement in the first place. ← Reply 315
    via u/Mollywhoppered
  • 10
    deefop⚫9h Partassipant [4] Definitely nta. I try not to judge other cultures from a place of ignorance, but the idea of future generations supporting previous generations is ponzi scheme. It's such a bad basically a way to build a society. Your parents are being stubborn; they want to have their cake and eat it too. They didn't support your grandparents living in the states, they supported them living in your home country. You're being generous by offering to do the same.
    via u/deefop
  • 11
    I will never be able to afford the retirement I want, either. Because my ideal retirement would mean a beautiful house in the carribean, a yacht to get drunk on, and a membership at the nicest golf course nearby. Probably ain't gonna happen, but I'm sure as I not going to make that anyone else's problem. ← Reply ☑ 239
    via u/deefop
  • 12
    SnooPets 8873 • 9h Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] I think part of it is a mismatch in lifestyle. It made sense before because people lived together as joint family in a family home. So yeah you might be taking care of your parents, but it didn't cost that much more, they are letting you stay in the family property, and usually take a backseat on any decisionmaking because the adult kids take over. Anything they have is basically yours too. But less and less people do that now and it's exorbitant and e
    via u/SnooPets
  • 13
    Yoongi_SB_Shop ⚫ 9h Your grandparents didn't have the luxury of being near you and your sisters during your childhood. Your parents did not pay to bring them here and support them here. Why should they expect any different? Reply 196
    via u/Yoongi_SB_Shop
  • 14
    _IslandOfMisfit Pets_ • 6h Came here to say this! If grandparents spending time with family was so important, then why didn't OP's parents bring their parents to the same country? Definitely NTA. OP isn't forcing their parents out of the country! If they end up funding the lifestyle their folks want, they will never be able to retire themselves. 56
    via u/_IslandOfMisfitPets_
  • 15
    minimalist_coach • 10h Enthusiast [5] NTA Your priority is to the family you created. You decided how much you are willing to offer, it's their choice to decide how they want to live. I'm proud of you for setting a clear boundary. I hope your siblings do the same, but it's not your place to choose where or how your parents live. Reply 68 ♡
    via u/minimalist_coach
  • 16
    Lunar Landing_Hoax .7h I wouldn't presume to tell my parents where to live in this situation. But if they want to stay in America, they have to do what most Americans do and work until 65 or older. Reply 45
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  • 17
    Itchy Appeal_9020⚫ 9h Partassipant [1] NTA. They immigrated to a place with different values than their home country and chose to raise their children in the culture of the new country. It's not unreasonable that you want to live out the values of the place that you were raised in.
    via u/Itchy_Appeal_9020
  • 18
    I think it's very generous that you're willing to support your parents financially at all. That is not the norm in your parents' adopted country. You're not being stingy, you're following the norms and traditions of your culture by prioritizing your children's welfare over that of your parents. Reply 43
    via u/Itchy_Appeal_9020
  • 19
    Fun-Two-6638 · 9h NTA. I'm in the same boat. My parents spent their lives doing for their parents, and many times we were left without. They're guiltily me now, as I their oldest son. In your instance tho, it's all in the presentation. Tell them how much you and your siblings would like to have the opportunity to vacation in the old country but how, between the travel and accommodations is something you can't do as often as you'd like. Make a plan to spend certain holidays visiting them, and for
    via u/Fun-Two-6638
  • 20
    Original-Winter9334 • 9h Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] ESH. You can't tell them where to live, it's understandable that they would want to see their grandchildren, and whilst quality of life is important, it's not the only thing. You could live in a mansion with all the money and comfort in the world, but still be lonely and unhappy.
    via u/Original-Winter9334
  • 21
    But they are of course in the wrong too, You are offering to support them with what you can, and they should adjust their expectations to fit in with their financial situation. If they wanted to live like kings where they are, they should have planned for it instead of assuming they could rely on you. What happens if you get sick and can't work? They have to be sensible, and you are right to not want to detriment your family. Reply 21
    via u/Original-Winter9334
  • 22
    KBD_in_PDX. 9h Certified Proctologist [20] NTA you're not forcing their hand in anyway. They're asking for a handout, and you're setting proper expectations for what you can provide, and options to make that go further. If your parents refuse to move, you'll offer the money you can, but it won't go as far as they need. They'll need to decide what to do when they can no longer afford to live where they're living.
    via u/KBD_in_PDX
  • 23
    You need to decide for yourself what that amount is, and let them decide on their end what they do with it. Don't put conditions on it, but make it clear that this is the extent of financial assistance you can provide. There will be no additional money offered later on, as elder support is a long game. Reply 23
    via u/KBD_in_PDX
  • 24
    Any-Rule2355.9h NTAI can understand your parents wanting to be closer to their grandchildren, especially since they have been here with them as they are growing. You have made a very generous offer. It is up to your parents to decide if they would like to accept. They may decide not to.
    via u/Any-Rule2355
  • 25
    You could offer them the same stipend for hat you were offering if they move to their home country but it would not go nearly as far. Your parents could add it to what they have for retirement, stay where they are and accept the lower standard of living if you would be willing to assist in subsidizing their retirement. Reply Ŵ 12 ♡
    via u/Any-Rule2355
  • 26
    NTA Trick_Delivery4609 • 9h Certified Proctologist [23] Sounds like they should move and you should send the grandkids or go with the grandkids on vacation down there on school breaks, and they come visit you guys on other vacation breaks. Reply 9 3
    via u/Trick_Delivery4609

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