Woman's Family Finds Out Her Husband Is Adopted After Private Investigator Shows Up at Family Dinner, They Demand an Explanation for 'Betrayal'

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Sep 26, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

Hey, sisters from other misses and misters. Those of us who were not adopted as children may have a few misconceptions about the whole thing, to say the least. Growing up watching movies, reading books, and binging TV shows featuring orphaned children and adults can have us believing that those who were not raised by their biological parents have some sort of inherent yearning for them. While it is true that many adopted folks have some level of curiosity towards the people that they share DNA with, most consider their 'real' parents to be those who raised them. Thus, the whole 'being adopted' thing might not be as big a part of their personality as we might be led to believe by popular media.

In our story today, after an unexpected visit from a private investigator, our protagonist's in-laws find out in the most dramatic way possible that he is adopted. He didn't mean to keep it a secret - the information just never seemed relevant. However, his in-laws insist that he betrayed them by not disclosing the information sooner. Scroll down for all the juicy deets on this curious situation.

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  • 01
    r/AmltheA u/Valuable-Hotel4435 • 22h AITA for not disclosing the fact I'm adopted to my fiancée's family?
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 02
    1 (27m) was adopted as an infant. I always knew. My parents never hid this from me or made it something shameful. But I never liked to talk about it with others. It normally opens up a lot of questions about my biological (or real as some would call them) parents. Or some people start talking about my parents like they're not really my parents. I had it happen when I was a lot younger and started school and told people my "special story". So after we moved when I was 8 I stopped talking about it
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 03
    I told my fiancée when we started dating but apart from her and some very close friends I never talk about it with people. To me it's not something that anyone else needs to know. This includes my fiancée's family.
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 04
    My adopted status was revealed to my fiancée's family during a recent visit of theirs. I got a knock on the door from a Pl who informed me my biological parents were interested in contact with me and they overheard. They had a lot of questions but primarily they were angry at me, for two reasons. Firstly, and most importantly for this post, because I didn't tell them. They did not like "being kept in the dark" and did not like my fiancée's response that it wasn't any of their business. Secondly,
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 05
    But the primary criticism is that I did not tell them and let them find out that way. They said they could have had grandkids affected by this and I wouldn't tell them. My fiancée reminded them it was none of their business and she had them leave early when they refused to let the topic go. But her parents are still I at me. AITA? 11.5k 723 D
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 06
    IrradiantFuzzy • 22h Partassipant [1] NTA, your parents are your parents, period. Also, why is a Pl knocking on your door for this? This is usually done with a letter. ... Reply 13.4k
    via u/IrradiantFuzzy
  • 07
    Valuable-Hotel4435 OP • 22h He was asked to make direct contact with me by my biological family. He had a letter from them as well. ... 6.7k
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 08
    oliviamrow ⚫ 21h • Pooperintendant [67] Your fiancée is right that it's none of her parents' business. Not one bit of it is their business, through and including any information about possible future grandchildren. NTA. I'm glad your fiancée has your back because you're 100% in the right here. 6.1k
    via u/oliviamrow
  • 09
    NTA chudan_dorik • 20h Partassipant [2] OP, if you decide to contact your biological family you might want to let them know what a mess was created by the PI not thinking through how this introduction was to be handled. And you might want to contact the management of the PI firm about that as well as the PI did a job of handling this discretely. And trust me, Pl's have Discretion 101 in Pl school as that is foundational to their whole business model. A PI that can't be discrete does not get retu
    via u/chudan_dorik
  • 10
    Evening Music9033 • 20h It's obviously your choice and you did tell your fiance. The only thing you might want to know is their medical history. Sometimes that information is important. ... 113
    via u/EveningMusic9033
  • 11
    lemon_charlie • 19h Aficionado [14] Your real parents are the ones who raised you and made you the person you are by nurture. Maybe you can get some medical background just so you know what is known to be hereditary in your genetic heritage, but you don't owe them any sort of or relationship. Did the Pl give any indication of why you were taken from your bio parents? 79
    via u/lemon_charlie
  • 12
    Hushes • 21h NTA for the reasons listed by others. Let's hear it for your fiancée who is a real one. She keeps your confidences. Very nice. ← Reply 4.6k
    via u/Hushes
  • 13
    Valuable-Hotel4435 OP. 21h She does. She's a big believer in personal business and being allowed to keep things like that to those you want to know and not whoever thinks they should know. ← 2.6k
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 14
    CampfiresInConifers • 21h Partassipant [2] NTA. I strongly suggest you get out ahead of this with your ILs. I've read a lot of Reddit stories where "helpful" relatives make contact with the biological relatives "for OP's own good". It never ends well. I suggest that you & your fiancee tell the ILS EXACTLY what will happen if the ILs contact the bio relatives. NC, LC, uninvited from the - wedding whatever you decide, stick to it. 1.1k
    via u/CampfiresInConifers
  • 15
    readthethings13579 • 20h I agree with this. Fiancée should tell her family that OP's real family are the people who raised him, full stop, and if they attempt to contact his biological relatives in any way they will face strict consequences. 366
    via u/readthethings13579
  • 16
    CoCoaStitchesArt. 21h Nta. Your fiancee stood up for you! I see why you don't tell people, they try to dictate about people you never even met! Wild how their brains work like that. It ain't their business Reply 1.1k
    via u/CoCoaStitchesArt
  • 17
    Valuable-Hotel4435 OP. 21h Yep! It's funny because a lot of people are the opposite when you do want to know. I've met adoptees who wanted to know and were judged for that. I feel like when you fall on one side you get the other kind of people in your life more often. Like how could you betray the parents who raised you like that vs how can you not want to know your REAL FAMILY!! 696
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 18
    NTA MyLipsBetweenMyHips • 22h Partassipant [1] Your adoption story is your personal information to share or not share as you see fit. You were under no obligation to disclose this information to your fiancée's family. The fact that you shared it with your fiancée shows that you trust her and value your relationship.Your fiancée's family's reaction is unfortunate, and their insistence on knowing about your "real family" is disrespectful to your adoptive parents and your own feelings on the matter
    via u/MyLipsBetweenMyHips
  • 19
    you. Your fiancée did the right thing by defending you and asking her family to leave when they refused to drop the topic. You and your fiancée seem to be on the same page regarding this issue, which is crucial in maintaining a strong relationship.If her family continues to bring up the subject, you and your fiancée should establish boundaries and communicate that this is not a topic open for discussion. It's essential to prioritize your well-being and the health of your relationship over the un
    via u/MyLipsBetweenMyHips
  • 20
    MiddleHuckleberry445 • 22h Enthusiast [6] NTA. Your in laws are behaving in a very condescending way by 1) asserting that you owed them this information, and 2) asserting that they should have input in how you move forward with regard to contact. Given that you haven't implied that they are like this in other ways, I will give them the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they were just surprised and responded poorly in this one situation. Good for your fiancé for setting and holding boundaries. Th
    via u/MiddleHuckleberry445
  • 21
    RoyallyOakie • 22h Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [381] NTA...Like you and your fiancée already told them: it's none of their business. NONE of it is any of their business. They have no right to be angry. Remind them that if they wish to be involved in their future grandchildren's lives, they're going to have to learn some boundaries--and fast. Reply 144
    via u/RoyallyOakie
  • 22
    ΝΤΑ Neutral_Guy_9 • 22h Certified Proctologist [20] adoption is an event in your life. Not an identity or a label. You don't have to disclose that event if you don't want to. ← Reply 139
    via u/Neutral_Guy_9
  • 23
    spacetstacy 19h Exactly!!! One of my children was adopted by us. We say he WAS adopted because it's a thing that happened. We don't say he IS adopted because it's not his identity. 46
    via u/spacetstacy
  • 24
    jjrobinson73 21h Partassipant [2] Why the are they | at YOU? I mean, it's not like you MADE your biological donors place you for adoption. My cousin was adopted and it was such a NON- ISSUE for us. IDK, we never felt like he was any less because he wasn't "blood". He was and still is my cousin, just as much as his brother who was born to my Aunt and Uncle after they adopted my cousin. People need to say in their own lane. NTA ← Reply 124
    via u/jjrobinson73
  • 25
    Valuable-Hotel4435 OP • 20h That's my family. I was so lucky. My family treated me the very same as all the bio grandkids and niblings. There was never a moment where I felt less than, or not like a true member of the family or where I questioned if I was loved and wanted. I also looked more like my parents than some of the cousins who were biologically related to the family lol. We often joked about that. 156
    via u/Valuable-Hotel4435
  • 26
    ReviewOk929 • 22h Supreme Court Just- [117] My fiancée reminded them it was none of their business NTA - That's about the size of it right there. It's none of their business. Reply 120
    via u/ReviewOk929

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