Woman Withholds Husband From Access to Finances After He Frivolously Lends Thousands to Parents, Marriage Falls Apart When He Finds Out

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Oct 19, 2024 2:00 PM EDT

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen of the universe. Finances, though not always the first thing on the forefront of one's mind when getting married, is a deeply important aspect of a long-term relationship and happy marriage. Many couples these days are opting out to not have a shared bank account at all, and many who agree to it are still keeping an individual bank account for themselves. Even through marriage, you may not know your partner's monetary habits. 

This brings us to the Reddit thread. In this story, the original poster (OP) is a woman who's fed up with her husband's lack of frugal spending. Not only is she the breadwinner for him, but he continually goes into their bank account to send his parents hundreds of dollars. She puts her foot down and limits his access to her finances by setting up a separate account for herself. 

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  • 01
    r/AITAH •19 hr. ago GoddessLunelii AITAH for separating my finances from my husband because he keeps lending money to his parents?
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 02
    We've been together for over 9 years, and until this year, the thought of separating our finances never even crossed my mind. I'm generally frugal, and he's more of a spender. In the beginning, it didn't bother me, as we had two incomes, and even though we weren't rich, life was comfortable. His family often
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 03
    borrowed money from us, and they rarely paid it back. Personally, I don't lend money to anyone, not even family, but I never stopped him from doing it.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 04
    A few years into our marriage, my husband was in a serious accident, and since then, he hasn't been able to work. As a result, I became the sole breadwinner. Recently, after four long years, he was finally approved for disability benefits. During those years, our savings were depleted, and we were on the brink of losing everything.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 05
    Our debts kept piling up, and there was nothing I could do about it.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 06
    When he finally received a back payment for the entire time he'd been waiting for disability benefits, I asked him for just one thing—to pay off his car loan, for which I had already paid over $45,000 in the last few years, and maybe save some of the money. He did neither of these things. Instead, he blew through the
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 07
    cash, lent $8,000 to his family, and didn't contribute a cent to our debts. Meanwhile, I had managed to save a bit from my salary, but it wasn't much. My plan was to save enough to pay off some of our debts. He knew I was saving for this purpose.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 08
    About a month ago, I noticed that $600 had disappeared from our savings account. I asked him what happened, and he admitted he lent it to his parents. I asked when they'd pay it back, because I needed it soon for bills, and he replied that he didn't know when they'd be able to. I was furious, not just because of the money,
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 09
    but because he didn't ask me, we didn't discuss it. He acted behind my back, knowing I'd be mad and would have said no. We had a huge fight, and I hoped that after that he'd stop. But he didn't.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 10
    Yesterday, I checked our account and saw another $900 missing. Again, it went to his parents. I'm beyond angry. I told him that I was done with his parents. I'll pay half of the bills, buy groceries, and that's it. If he wants to give all his disability payments to his parents, fine, but I'm not going to work 60 hours a week just for him to give our money away.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 11
    So, AITAH for going to the bank, withdrawing all the money I had saved, and opening a new account that he has no access to? He says I'm being an and that I should want his parents to be happy. I'd love to see them happy, but I'm not willing to fund it with my own well-being.
    via u/GoddessLunelii
  • 12
    RugbyKats 19h ago • Tell him he can sell his $45K+ car and downsize if he wants to give away his money. (Which is really your money.) I'll bet he's not willing to make the sacrifice that he expects from you.
    via u/RugbyKats
  • 13
    NTA, and I would require that a percentage of his disability go to your account as well.
    via u/RugbyKats
  • 14
    Financial_Bear_... • 18h ago • NTA. You need to cut him off today and move your money. However, that isn't going to stop him giving HIS money to the family and expecting you to pick up the financial slack at home when he can't afford his share of your bills.
    via u/Financial_Bear_
  • 15
    This is a hill to die on. If you can't agree on an approach to financial planning and he adheres to it, this would be divorce territory for me.
    via u/Financial_Bear_
  • 16
    ABuddlAm 19h ago • Why are his parents in such continuous financial distress? You are NTA for trying to protect your own assets!
    via u/ABuddlAm
  • 17
    AggressiveLem... • 19h ago. NTA definitely protect your finances. However I'd also talk to his parents and check that's where the money is really going (I've got family members that are addicts and this sounds a bit sus to me). Also even if that is where it's going maybe they
    via u/AggressiveLem
  • 18
    will be able to pay it back and didn't realise your real financial position.
    via u/AggressiveLem
  • 19
    jewel_flip 18h ago NTA. Except to yourself for letting it slide when he received the back payment. It's funny how generous he is with your money but has none of that "generosity" towards his own household. Lock it down and consider using a bank outside of the
    via u/jewel_flip
  • 20
    using a bank outside of the one you had joint accounts with to avoid overlap. He's taking advantage of your love for him and I can't really see what he's bringing into the partnership with how he handled the back pay.
    via u/jewel_flip
  • 21
    He should want you to be happy as well. You didn't join a partnership with him to care for his family while no one cared for you. He's the AH through and through here.
    via u/jewel_flip

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