'It feels like a complete rejection': Ungrateful daughter-in-law refuses to wear family heirloom bracelet at her wedding, calls mother-in-law controlling

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 2, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

You're allowed to wear whatever you want at your wedding. It's your wedding, after all. You can wear a green morph suit for all I care. You are not, however, exempt from the opinions of others regarding what you're wearing. Especially family. Weddings are family affairs by nature, or else everyone would simply elope. So when you have a wedding, you're opening up your life and choices to be evaluated by the people in your company. You don't have to care (and probably shouldn't care) what they think, but you have to know that they will think something. 

In this case, when the groom's mother tried to impart a sweet family tradition onto her newly minted daughter-in-law. The bride ultimately has complete say over what she's going to wear, but family traditions are not to be scoffed at. Read on for the details of the story and see what you think. 

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    AITA for taking back a family heirloom from my DIL before the wedding
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    My family has two heirlooms that we give to a bride or groom when they marry. For the men, it's a set of cufflinks, and for the women, it's a bracelet. My oldest son and my oldest sister are married, and their spouses wore the bracelet or cufflinks at their weddings. This tradition is essentially our family's way of saying, "We're accepting you into the family."
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    When my future DIL got engaged, I gave her the bracelet and explained that it's a family heirloom, expressing how meaningful it would be if she wore it at the wedding. I mentioned that she could wear it during the reception if she preferred not to wear it in the ceremony. It's a white jade bracelet, and I shared its significance with her.
    via u/United-Honeydew-7230
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    Now, with the wedding only a few months away, there's a problem. My daughter has been getting to know my future daughter-in-law, and she recently came to me, saying that my future daughter-in-law thinks the bracelet is ugly and has been complaining about it. She even showed me texts where my future daughter-in-
    via u/United-Honeydew-7230
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    law said some hurtful things about me, calling me a "controlling " for giving her the bracelet. This was hurt and it feels like a complete rejection, especially since she knows why it's important. When I asked my son, he said he didn't know anything about her feelings on this.
    via u/United-Honeydew-7230
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    j Since she clearly doesn't want or respect the bracelet, I asked for it back. That's when things got messy. She made a big deal about how I was excluding her from the family by taking it back. Now, she's p ed and calling me a • My son also thinks I'm a j for taking it back, even after I showed him what she said. People are divided over this, saying that by taking it back, it implies I don't see her as family or trust her with the heirloom
    via u/United-Honeydew-7230
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    • Aggravating-Item9162 1d ago • info: if she had simply come to you and said "hey, I appreciate the sentiment sooo much, but this really isn't my style, and I don't want to wear it at the wedding", how would you have reacted?
    via u/Aggravating-Item9162
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    United-Honeydew... • OP 1d ago Edited 1d ago • • That would have been fine, my own mother didn't wear it but had it on the family table I probably would have just worn it or asked if my son wanted to wear it
    via u/United-Honeydew-7230
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    BlushEmbers 1d ago. . Honestly, NTA. If she truly respected the tradition and the meaning of the bracelet, she wouldn't be talking badly about it or about you behind your back. Heirlooms hold deep meaning, and they're more than just jewelry. She doesn't have to love it, but she could at least appreciate what it represents. Taking it back isn't about excluding her; it's about wanting it to go to someone who understands and values its importance. You're not wrong for wanting to protect something m
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    . LandofDonkey • 1d ago. NTA - if she's calling a family heirloom "ugly" and calling you "controlling" behind your back, sounds like she missed the "meaningful family tradition" memo. If she doesn't respect the bracelet (or the sentiment behind it), why should it stay with her? Taking it back isn't excluding her; it's just making sure it ends up with someone who appreciates it.
    via u/LandofDonkey
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    Sami_George • 1d ago • Ok so let's break this down... You have this family heirloom that you lent to DIL as a way of saying "we accept you in our family" and mentioned she didn't have to wear the bracelet the whole time. Ok, cool, fine, adorable.
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    So your DIL confided in your daughter about not liking the bracelet and felt like you were being controlling about telling her what to wear at her wedding. I don't love this, but she is allowed to have negative feelings pertaining to this tradition. It was never in her mind growing up and thinking about her wedding and she doesn't like the look. That's her right.
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    I really don't love that your daughter essentially tattled on DIL to you about this. Then you took all of that and decided you didn't want DIL to have the bracelet at all and, by your admission, are basically saying, "we don't accept you as family anymore" because she wasn't playing well by your rules.
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    I will admit that her calling you a "controlling for having her partake in a tradition is too far. And I think that makes her an AH, even though that thought was never meant for you to hear. But instead of going to her and saying, "I understand you don't like the bracelet and I don't want to pressure you into wearing something you don't want to wear at your own wedding" you doubled down, took the bracelet away, and became a controlling
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    So now there's unnecessary drama because DIL expressed her feelings to the wrong person, your daughter tattled, and you took it personally. And I seriously doubt DIL will trust either of you after this. And your son will (rightfully) take her side as his wife. So fix this or be prepared for consequences. ESH.
    via u/Sami_George
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    Montanapat89 • 1d ago • Info - did she, in fact, give it back? You don't make that clear, but I will assume that she did. I will give a conditional NTA, but it could have been the way the conversation went. During the initial conversation, was she given the option of NOT wearing it and putting it on a table or your son wearing it? Or, was it so important to you that she felt she had no choice?
    via u/Montanapat89
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    From her side, it probably doesn't fit her vibe and maybe she doesn't want to ruin that. Maybe you came across as controlling and she didn't feel she had a choice but to accept it. You don't say how old she and your son are. Maybe it's immaturity. What's her relationship with her mom? Is her mom controlling?
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    For sure, she is the AH for not telling you that she didn't like it. For sure she should not have put anything in a text to YOUR daughter. I think it's time the two of you sit down and have a conversation.
    via u/Montanapat89
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    Cappa Cail 1d ago • I can appreciate that OP felt what future DIL said was hurtful, but why didn't the daughter, recipient of the texts, respond with a "talk to my mum about it, it's a tradition, but I'm sure she'd understand" and at the very least "excuse me, but please do not refer to my mother as an
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    For that matter, why didn't OP speak directly with future DIL. "I hear you're not a fan of the bracelet. My own mother didn't wear it, she just had it on the table. There are always options." OP, you have (hopefully) a lot of years with this young woman in your life. Think long term.
    via u/Cappa_Cail
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    I'd try to clear the air. Talk to your son on how best to approach the situation and I hope there are those encouraging future DIL to figure out a way to move forward with her fiancé's mother.
    via u/Cappa_Cail

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