Woman’s In-Laws Refuse to Accommodate Her Food Allergies, She Starts Bringing Her Own Meals Family Dinners, Enraging Controlling Mother-in-Law

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Nov 6, 2024 4:00 PM EST

Welcome, internet-lurking ladies. Hosting dinners and events is an art form. Even small gatherings take a lot of effort and careful planning; buying groceries, cooking a meal, and dealing with cleanup is only the tip of the iceberg. Good hosts must also find a suitable night for all guests, tidy the home and rearrange furniture, and ensure everyone's safety for a great dining experience. Unfortunately, in our story today, our protagonist's mother decides to actively ignore the last point, putting her pride and stubbornness over her daughter-in-law's health.

Cooking for people with food restrictions can be tricky. However, f you are consistently hosting 'family dinners' and don't want to make your daughter-in-law feel alienated, then you should at least let her bring her own meals to enjoy so that she does not end the evening on an ambulance. Otherwise, you might give the impression that you hate her, and your son will stop showing up at all to your dinners - as was the case in our story today. Get all the details down below. 

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  • 01
    r/AmltheA u/Efficient Debate_234 • 11h AITA for no longer taking part in meals with my family because they won't accommodate my wife's allergies?
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  • 02
    My wife (25f) has food allergies. Shellfish and peanuts are her most serious ones, but she's also allergic to celery and soy. She's used to people not being willing to accommodate her OR being lazy about it and thinking they can make food with one of those things in it and just not putting it on her plate. So she'll normally bring some food if people seem unsure about what to do. When we first went to one of my family's dinners she brought along some stuff she could eat because my mom had made i
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  • 03
    I'll say this now. Before we moved close and started joining family dinners, my wife and family got along so well and everything was fine. But we moved to be closer to both our families 18 months ago.
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  • 04
    My wife didn't bring anything the next time and mom had something she could eat. And for a few months this was how it was. Then one of the days she served something specially for my wife but the rest of us had shellfish and soy in our food. My mom was not careful about food safety prep and there was contact between what my wife ate and what we ate and my wife had an allergic reaction. Mom said she felt bad and apologized. But then after that dinner she decided it was too much hassle to make a wh
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  • 05
    My wife started bringing her own food again but my mom didn't like it. After some back and forth and me talking to my whole family about the issue, and them saying it was unfair to expect mom to cook, but she was still adamant she didn't want to do something separate for my wife, so I told them it was for the best if my wife and I just didn't join them for these dinners.
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  • 06
    My family did not like this decision and we have faced criticism for this choice. Well, I have. They know I decided to just stop showing up. I told them the health and safety of my wife comes first and since she can't win and she's not risking another allergic reaction eating there, and it wouldn't be fair to have her sit and watch us eat, then not going is our sole option remaining. AITA? 8,095 1,263 D
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  • 07
    mdthomas • 11h Sultan of Sphincter [737] I'm confused on how your wife bringing her own food has any impact on everyone else enjoying the meal. What does your mother expect your wife to do? Sit there and watch everyone else eat? NTA ... ← Reply 11.3k
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  • 08
    Efficient Debate_234 OP. 11h She finds it rude to bring your own meal to other people's dinner "parties" or family dinners. But she is not being provided food she can safely eat so the only other option would be she doesn't eat. ... 6.4k
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  • 09
    mdthomas 11h • Sultan of Sphincter [737] So your point is completely justified. Why should your wife attend a family meal where she can't eat? If your wife can't attend, why should you go? NTA ... 5.1k B
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  • 10
    Efficient Debate_234 OP · 11h They believe we should be there because we're family. My counter to them was exactly. We're family. They should care about the health and safety of a family member. 15.8k B
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  • 11
    mdthomas • 11h Sultan of Sphincter [737] I would suggest you offer to host the next dinner. Present a menu consisting of things you KNOW they don't like or allergic to. Don't offer alternatives. Don't allow them to bring their own food. If the complain, tell them they should still attend because "they're family". ... 1 4.4k
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  • 12
    Spicy_Alien_Baby • 9h Spice it to uncomfortable levels and ensure you have portions for yourself that are at your preferred spice level. 1.2k
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  • 13
    Spicy WonderBread • 9h I'm confused on how mom can't cook without shellfish, peanuts, celery, and soy. Those are not hard ingredients to avoid in home cooking (and only soy is really hard to avoid in prepared foods). I'd argue 99% of recipes that exist don't include shellfish or peanuts. Those that include soy or celery can almost always be modified easily. Think, adding extra onion and omitting the celery in a pot roast or using coconut aminos instead of soy sauce. Is this woman cooking pad tha
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  • 14
    ΝΤΑ chicken_eater_629. 11h Umm, your mom doesn't want to cook food for your wife, fair enough, so she bought her own and she has a problem with that too? She wants her to eat food she is specifically allergic to? Absurd. NTA and good decision honestly Reply 2.1k
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  • 15
    Efficient Debate_234 OP. 11h Or to sit there and not eat which is really the only other option available here. ← 938 ⇓
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  • 16
    SocksAndPi 10h Sounds like she wants to punish the wife for being "problematic", which can't be controlled because it's allergies. Life-threatening ones, I'm assuming as most shellfish and peanut ones are. Good on OP for not tolerating any of that bulls ☆ 33 ⇓
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  • 17
    MNcrazygirl 11h Part ipant [3] NTA. Your wife's health is more important than being at these family dinners. Sounds like your family believes your wife is making things up because she doesn't want to eat what the family is eating. She should be allowed to bring her own food if they want you there so much Reply 795
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  • 18
    Efficient Debate_234 OP 11h They believe her. They witnessed her allergic reaction. They just feel like mom shouldn't have to make food suited to her specifically. But she didn't have to. My wife brought her own food and it still wasn't acceptable to them. 580
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  • 19
    cndnsportsfan • 11h Ahle Enthusiast [8] Wow. Those don't seem like wild culinary exclusions. Your family can either accommodate her needs, welcome her to bring her own food, or shut the f up. You're NTA. You'd only be the AH if you were forcing or expecting special behavior, but it sounds like you just want to be present and are happy to prepare your own stuff. Is your mom the type to always insist on hosting? Reply 502
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  • 20
    Efficient_Debate_234 OP 11h Yes, my mom always hosts these things. She believes as "the mom" of the family it's her duty to host her kids and her kids families. 216
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  • 21
    AnotherNoether ⚫ 10h • It's rough for an East Asian family but, like....i can't. eat soy right now, and I'm pretty sure in this situation my (SE Asian) partner's parents would pick up some coconut aminos or fermented fava beans and make it work. Japanese (bonito flakes) or Korean (kimchi often contains soy sauce) would be tough as well. But, again, they should just let her bring her own food in that case, reacting like they have is nuts. → 23 д
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  • 22
    Worried_Suit4820 • 11h I suspect your mum wants you to leave your wife at home for family meals, otherwise she would cooks something (carefully) for her, or not get snotty when she brings her own food. Definitely NTA for bowing out. Reply 108
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  • 23
    AzsaRaccoon • 10h This here. She doesn't want her there. Otherwise she wouldn't set up a no-win situation. Has she always been adversarial towards your wife/ marriage? ← ☆ ☆ 44
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  • 24
    efgrigby 10h Ahle Enthusiast [6] I'm going to say the quiet part outloud. Your Mom doesn't like your wife. If she cared even a little bit she would allow your wife to bring her own food when accommodating her allergies became to much. The solution she wants is for you to leave your wife at home and come without her so that no accommodations need to be made. Mom wants to see you, not your wife, and the rest of the family agrees. Reply 59 ⇓
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